Published on 12, July, 2020
Apologies for the length of this post. I need to share my feelings as I have no one else to turn to
My father, who is in his nineties, has been waiting for social services assessment since last October. His health has declined. He has had heart attacks and has diabetes, profound deafness, and limited mobility. A social worker visited recently and said that 'she was struggling to see how he needed any help'. I should add that my father is also on medication for auditory hallucinations, has sight problems and is incontinent. I recently fractured my shoulder and a bone in my pelvis, in addition to having several spinal compression breaks. I am also waiting for a cataract operation in both eyes and a hospital consultation for an electrolyte disorder. I myself was denied support after being discharged from the hospital with a sling and a walking stick and told to order shopping online and pay for other services. My father refused to let me pay for support, and I have been taken to hospital three times with cardiac issues as a result of the stress of living and looking after my father. He subjects me to verbal abuse when he does not get his own way or is tired or frustrated. Hospital consultants have told me that my body cannot undergo so much pressure, yet the GPs have told me, reiterating this on today's visit, that the responsibility for my father is mine. There are no other family members and no friends. I have no social contacts through looking after my father. The only ones are through university work and I have had to interrupt my degree studies three times. (I will not get another chance, and it is my only pleasure. My father has always regarded academic interests as inappropriate for a woman and that a woman's function is solely to support a man) My father has days when he is lucid (He tells social workers that he is very well and tells me that he is not going to reveal his problems to them. When I speak truthfully, I am seen as morally defective. Any advice? The local carers centre and citizens advice bureau sympathise but can only say 'you're in an unenviable position'.
Firstly you are not morally defective in any way. You have sacrificed so much in a situation that is not your responsibility.
I know social services are stretched but how can they not see how much your father needs help You both do and desperately.
Is there any way you could remove yourself from the situation for a while? Maybe you could have a break recuperating in a remote cottage somewhere, on the medical advice of your hospital consultants. In your absence services might realise just how much help your father actually needs.
I’m assuming you’ve asked for your father to be assessed for social care? that being the case if they’ve said no the only thing left is to speak to a lawyer
Your GP is a (insert swear word of your choice).
Your father is NOT your responsibility. We may choose to care for our parents out of love, but this does not absolve services from their responsibilities.
A parent is responsible for a child. The parent chooses to have them. The same is not true Visa versa - unless you wish it. In particular you do not have responsibility for a parent who abuses you or when you are not well enough yourself to cope.
It's time to see another GP and start screaming at social that you can't do this any more, so they need to step in. NOW! Make it plain a) that you are autistic in need of help yourself b) the detrimental impact to your health.
I'm so sorry this is putting you through so much. What's our society coming to?