Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm enrolled in a support program for autistic people at my local university. I attended the Adults with Autism group last week that is facilitated by a NT autism disorder specialist.. As I gain more experience with this program, I'm starting to get the feeling that they treat all autism as a personal dysfunction and not as a difference that causes difficulties in a neurotypical dominated society. It's not acceptance-based, but more disordered-based. Continuing with the group session, there was a guest NT that was asking the group for experiences with masking to help build her presentation to an audience interested in learning about autistic people. I gave my experience, which was that now that I know I'm autistic, I've been engaging more with other autistic communities and it feels much safer to be myself rather than wear a mask to try to fit in and not pretend to be NT by saying things like, "It was sooo nice to finally meet you!" and "You look sooo great!" which makes me feel insincere. I did this respectfully, actually making fun of myself for pretending to be something I am not, and celebrating that I no longer feel compelled to do that. The guest ignored my comment entirely and did not acknowledge my presence throughout the hour-long session. She focused on asking the other members to elaborate on theirs instead. She then asked to individually interview members of the group to get a more personal conversation. I commented in the chat that I would be happy to partake in a personal interview. That was ignored. She then gave her email asking for members to email her if they were interested in an interview. I emailed her, and she did not respond. I find this incredibly rude, especially from someone claiming to be an advocate for autistic people. She could have said whatever about not being interested in my perspective for whatever reason because I would accept that as valid as long as it wasn't directly offensive (e.g. "No, because you're stupid.").
I'm upset because I feel like I'm being ignored and am at a disadvantaged position because any disagreement is due to being autistically dysfunctional, so my concerns are not valid. I need NTs to tell me how to interact because I'm assumed to be "wrong" automatically. Screw that! If I'm going to be treated like I need education and guidance from NTs for the most minor interactions, then I'm going to play their game. The group meets again next week, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
The plan I'm considering is to review what happened, then say I don't understand why it occurred. "I was under the impression that common manners maintain that when someone responds to a request for help, the person seeking support is expected to at least respond even if to decline the offer. Is it respectful to ignore people when they offer to help? If it is, I'm having trouble understanding it and can you explain that to me? If it isn't, then why did she ignore me if it's considered rude to do so?" I'm going to get to the most minute detail to see what happens. Let's get uncomfortable because I don't like being treated disrespectfully, and I want everyone to know that I will not tolerate it so they think about it next time they get the urge to do so.
Clearly, I'm angry, and think that if her presentation were to be authentic, she should include a slide on how she thinks it's acceptable to disregard the voice of autistic people when they speak about themselves while she is attempting to represent them to the larger population. I know that's unrealistic, but it would be valid to me at this point. Of course, I will absolutely not share this idea with the group or facilitator, but I want to be forthcoming with y'all that I believe it pending further discussion.
Someone please tell me if I'm out of line, or if you have any other suggestions.
Autistic groups should be run at least FOR if not by the autistic people who attend, NT's that walk into spaces meant for us need to be prepared to disrupt the medicalised abelist power structures that always puts us last by not making it all about them and their NT feelings for a change. If they can't put the autistic people first in those setting the NTs need to not be there because they are perpetuating harm to us by putting themselves before the needs of autistic group members.I'd honestly make a formal complaint about the way you felt dismissed and CC that email to a 3rd party witness to make them aware you are not gonna just be swept under the rug. Because in a face to face or online 1 to 1 that is what they do, they think they don't have to listen to us and think our concerns aren't valid because we are "disordered" (less than them) that is what they think, and if you cannot get an advocate to speak on your behalf exactly as you need them to then you need to have a witness for when you self advocate so tehy will be forced to take what you say seriously.
All My Friends Are Autistic said: there was a guest NT that was asking the group for experiences with masking to help build her presentation to an audience interested in learning about autistic people
Also sounds like she is using autistic people so she can look like "did you see her presentation, she is such a good person, helping those poor disordered people with autism" among other NTs. If she's getting something out of it at your expense that's a messed up balance of power for a group that is supposed to benefit autists.
Yes, I totally got that vibe from her. It also felt like she was in over her head with the topic and was anxious about presenting to an audience that could potentially discover her imposter syndrome. The quotes she was looking for would be distracting to the audience and helpful to seem like she cares a lot and is deeply involved in the autistic community, so it would give a believable false presentation of expertise on the matter.
omg, all of this could have been avoided if she solely would have acknowledged my existence . In the group meeting, she could have said, "Thank you for that. That was insightful." or "Thank you for being open to an interview, [my name]." or even replied to my email with, "No thank you. I have what I need for the presentation." Instead, she ignored me 3 times after asking for help.