Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm enrolled in a support program for autistic people at my local university. I attended the Adults with Autism group last week that is facilitated by a NT autism disorder specialist.. As I gain more experience with this program, I'm starting to get the feeling that they treat all autism as a personal dysfunction and not as a difference that causes difficulties in a neurotypical dominated society. It's not acceptance-based, but more disordered-based. Continuing with the group session, there was a guest NT that was asking the group for experiences with masking to help build her presentation to an audience interested in learning about autistic people. I gave my experience, which was that now that I know I'm autistic, I've been engaging more with other autistic communities and it feels much safer to be myself rather than wear a mask to try to fit in and not pretend to be NT by saying things like, "It was sooo nice to finally meet you!" and "You look sooo great!" which makes me feel insincere. I did this respectfully, actually making fun of myself for pretending to be something I am not, and celebrating that I no longer feel compelled to do that. The guest ignored my comment entirely and did not acknowledge my presence throughout the hour-long session. She focused on asking the other members to elaborate on theirs instead. She then asked to individually interview members of the group to get a more personal conversation. I commented in the chat that I would be happy to partake in a personal interview. That was ignored. She then gave her email asking for members to email her if they were interested in an interview. I emailed her, and she did not respond. I find this incredibly rude, especially from someone claiming to be an advocate for autistic people. She could have said whatever about not being interested in my perspective for whatever reason because I would accept that as valid as long as it wasn't directly offensive (e.g. "No, because you're stupid.").
I'm upset because I feel like I'm being ignored and am at a disadvantaged position because any disagreement is due to being autistically dysfunctional, so my concerns are not valid. I need NTs to tell me how to interact because I'm assumed to be "wrong" automatically. Screw that! If I'm going to be treated like I need education and guidance from NTs for the most minor interactions, then I'm going to play their game. The group meets again next week, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
The plan I'm considering is to review what happened, then say I don't understand why it occurred. "I was under the impression that common manners maintain that when someone responds to a request for help, the person seeking support is expected to at least respond even if to decline the offer. Is it respectful to ignore people when they offer to help? If it is, I'm having trouble understanding it and can you explain that to me? If it isn't, then why did she ignore me if it's considered rude to do so?" I'm going to get to the most minute detail to see what happens. Let's get uncomfortable because I don't like being treated disrespectfully, and I want everyone to know that I will not tolerate it so they think about it next time they get the urge to do so.
Clearly, I'm angry, and think that if her presentation were to be authentic, she should include a slide on how she thinks it's acceptable to disregard the voice of autistic people when they speak about themselves while she is attempting to represent them to the larger population. I know that's unrealistic, but it would be valid to me at this point. Of course, I will absolutely not share this idea with the group or facilitator, but I want to be forthcoming with y'all that I believe it pending further discussion.
Someone please tell me if I'm out of line, or if you have any other suggestions.
She doesn't belong in this role. Who is this moderator accountable to? Is there anyone above her who - regardless of their NeuroType has reached a place in life they can work with more grounded Rules of Engagement which include a bit of wisdom?
I would send a VERY SHORT email saying: "I'm trying to be civilised and a Responsible Participant, not stressed out by being Stonewalled or Ghosted - this is not helpful. If you don't understand how Autistics use language, I'm happy to help you learn. Sincerely, ____"
Yeah, someone above mentioned sending the lady an email. I like your passion and feel validated by it. However, just like people in martial arts use their opponents moves against them, I plan on using their perceived dysfunction of mine the same way. I want to come in playing their game to get a better understanding of why I was dismissed and ignored rather than creating direct conflict because I rather not be overtly offensive. By playing their game, she'll also realize that she her strategies are not only unhelpful, but she is not properly educated on autism, so she might want to avoid presenting as an expert on the matter. I think it would also be a good learning lesson for her to realize that because we interact differently and tend to avoid direct conflict with NT disrespect doesn't mean we don't see the gaslighting.
I think that's a good idea, using their prejudices against them, you can borrow terms from what I said below if you like, but maybe not use exactly the language I used because that was my very restrained version of spitting fire and brimstone. (Sorry, about that, I'm just so upset and angry about the way you got ignored like that, esp' considering NTs are teh ones who really should know how rude that is.)