Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm enrolled in a support program for autistic people at my local university. I attended the Adults with Autism group last week that is facilitated by a NT autism disorder specialist.. As I gain more experience with this program, I'm starting to get the feeling that they treat all autism as a personal dysfunction and not as a difference that causes difficulties in a neurotypical dominated society. It's not acceptance-based, but more disordered-based. Continuing with the group session, there was a guest NT that was asking the group for experiences with masking to help build her presentation to an audience interested in learning about autistic people. I gave my experience, which was that now that I know I'm autistic, I've been engaging more with other autistic communities and it feels much safer to be myself rather than wear a mask to try to fit in and not pretend to be NT by saying things like, "It was sooo nice to finally meet you!" and "You look sooo great!" which makes me feel insincere. I did this respectfully, actually making fun of myself for pretending to be something I am not, and celebrating that I no longer feel compelled to do that. The guest ignored my comment entirely and did not acknowledge my presence throughout the hour-long session. She focused on asking the other members to elaborate on theirs instead. She then asked to individually interview members of the group to get a more personal conversation. I commented in the chat that I would be happy to partake in a personal interview. That was ignored. She then gave her email asking for members to email her if they were interested in an interview. I emailed her, and she did not respond. I find this incredibly rude, especially from someone claiming to be an advocate for autistic people. She could have said whatever about not being interested in my perspective for whatever reason because I would accept that as valid as long as it wasn't directly offensive (e.g. "No, because you're stupid.").
I'm upset because I feel like I'm being ignored and am at a disadvantaged position because any disagreement is due to being autistically dysfunctional, so my concerns are not valid. I need NTs to tell me how to interact because I'm assumed to be "wrong" automatically. Screw that! If I'm going to be treated like I need education and guidance from NTs for the most minor interactions, then I'm going to play their game. The group meets again next week, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
The plan I'm considering is to review what happened, then say I don't understand why it occurred. "I was under the impression that common manners maintain that when someone responds to a request for help, the person seeking support is expected to at least respond even if to decline the offer. Is it respectful to ignore people when they offer to help? If it is, I'm having trouble understanding it and can you explain that to me? If it isn't, then why did she ignore me if it's considered rude to do so?" I'm going to get to the most minute detail to see what happens. Let's get uncomfortable because I don't like being treated disrespectfully, and I want everyone to know that I will not tolerate it so they think about it next time they get the urge to do so.
Clearly, I'm angry, and think that if her presentation were to be authentic, she should include a slide on how she thinks it's acceptable to disregard the voice of autistic people when they speak about themselves while she is attempting to represent them to the larger population. I know that's unrealistic, but it would be valid to me at this point. Of course, I will absolutely not share this idea with the group or facilitator, but I want to be forthcoming with y'all that I believe it pending further discussion.
Someone please tell me if I'm out of line, or if you have any other suggestions.
Personally I'd consider sending her a letter first. Explaining that you feel slighted by her failiour to acknowledge your response to her request. That you think it's disingenuous to ask for interviews to gauge the range of needs and concerns of autistic people and then only select those who you think will give you answers you like. Sending her a letter gives her a chance to respond privately before you raise it in front of everyone. And if she still ignores you after that well then really she's brought this on her self.
That's a good idea. However, my stated plan does not include bringing it up to her because she will not be in the next group session since she was merely a guest for the last one. I would bring it up to the regular NT facilitator. However, I think that sending her a direct email could be a good idea. I might write a draft and post it on here to see what y'all think. Thank you!