Couples counseling

Thank you. I've no intention of pushing my wife to get a diagnosis, she's happy with who she is and doesn't need to find reasons for anything.

this_is_phil said:

Both my wife and I are terrible at communicating our feelings, and I suspect that I often misinterpret her emotions and that she does the same for me.

I had relationship counselling with my then partner a long time ago.

I think that the problems we experienced were similar to yours.

However, we were both undiagnosed autistic.

So, I think that complicates things a lot.

For example, how much of the way we were communicating was due to autism and the parts that were, are they changeable?

Also, I suffered from severe PMT at the time so I was very emotional.

We arranged two marriages but both were cancelled.

I would have ploughed ahead with them but (hindsight being a wonderful thing) I believe that would have been a mistake, considering how my life has turned out.

We are however still firm friends.

this_is_phil said:

my wife doesn't like talking to people if she can avoid it.

This is true (with regard to emotions) of my then partner/now friend and hasn't changed.

I wish you all the best with this.

I've been doing one to one counselling over the last year and it has taken work, but I am beginning to understand my feelings better, and finding my own ways to communicate them.  My therapist uses a person centred, relational approach, which is very affirming.  It's not CBT!  I've also been teaching him a lot about my autistic experience and he's responded very well to it and adapted.  It's having a positive knock on effect in all sorts of areas of my life.

Yes. It was not helpful. The counselor did not understand me at all.

Been there, done that and it was very useful.

I was diagnosed about 2 years ago and the discovery had an impact on my wife - I suspect her lack of knowledge about autism made her see me as something broken or less than normal and this took some therapy to educate us both and it ended up being individual therapy as well (different therapists though) to help us work through our issues.

I was referred to Psychology Today to find a therapist and found one in Canada (I live in the same time zone but 6000 miles south of them) who has been very good and is well versed in autism, having autistic children of her own.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling

I would think it best not to push your wife to get a diagnosis but try to get her to read more about what autism is and how to live with a partner who is autistic. Let her come round to her own conclusions rather than push and you will avoid driving a wedge between you.

It isn't easy but it was worth it for me.

Good luck.