Published on 12, July, 2020
I got my diagnosis at the end of last year and thought it would be the answer I needed. It was, to an extent, but the whole masking/not masking, getting others to understand, disclosing or not disclosing has been pretty much constant in my head. I can't seem to think of anything else.
Everything I do, I'm hyperaware of it and wonder if it's a trait I've always done and never noticed or if I'm doing it more now as I feel that I can.
I keep wracking my brain trying to work out how to make other people around me understand, but no matter how I try to explain things, there always seems to be something that's misinterpreted, either the person has related it back to neurotypical behaviour or assumed something, or they've nodded along in the moment but not acted on what I've told them even if they said they would.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk about being autistic, I want others to - not even understand - but just to listen, and I want to be able to figure out where I go next in terms of finding out who on Earth I actually am.
Sorry for the rant. I don't know the purpose of my post - I just needed to get it out there!
Hi. I can completely relate to how you are feeling.
It's very early days for me as I only got my diagnosis three weeks ago and I'm going through a lot of different emotions. Like you, since finding out that I am autistic, I've been very aware of how I am coming across to others so am more self conscious and feel less confident socially than before but I think these feelings are normal and part of the process of coming to terms with everything.
I feel frustrated that although I now know that there is a reason, it doesn't change the fact that I will always struggle socially as i just don't have the genetic makeup to fit in without huge strain and efforts on my part.
I've only told my husband and children about my diagnosis and am in no hurry to tell anyone else as I don't think it would make any positive difference.
For me, I'm glad I had the diagnosis but all it has done so far, is to help me understand my struggles with the world around me.
It's cool Elyssa, just share autism in a gentle way with people you know and can trust. You'll probably find they have faced similar issues, but have a different angle on them. One of my neighbours was a right old broomstick-pilot and I thought it was just down to me. Then another person shared her experience of the witch and I realised what a sharp-tongued, bitter character we'd both been dealing with.