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What I'd be like if I wasn't masking - a mess of contradictions

Billy87
over 1 year ago

Got to the point, particularly at work, where I don't know what's masking and what's me any more. I'm just trying to survive at work without a complete mental breakdown

I feel like I'm a mess of contradictions so I don't fit into anyone's box, even on here sometimes

I'm quiet and sensitive and I like nature and talking to ducks and wildlife. I like cuddly animals and collect hundreds, they're like friends to me. I love writing stories, and reading 

I'm also really sporty and love being around sporty, blokey guys and bantering about football and other stuff 

I feel like whoever I'm with I can only show one side of me and have to hide the other side, it's very confusing 

I'm feeling very low at the moment 

Parents
  • over 1 year ago

    Oh Billy, it sounds like you need a good old-fashioned rest!  You and I both know that it ain't easy being Green (Kermit the Frog song)....but that masking can make everything entirely achievable. ....but that masking is very tiring AND it makes you loose sight of yourself = upsetting and disorientating.

    My practical advice to you is as follows;

    1.  Invest your energy to continue masking at work as your priority.  I know you have started a new one - and that is stressful - but loosing the income and routine that it imposes on you at the moment, would probably be ill-advised.

    2.  When you are not at work.....REST.  Don't keep worrying about the complexity of your soul and the narrow simplistic "rails" that most other people seem to need go run on.  We are cross-country souls......nothing contains our range.  This is glorious, but can be VERY tiring.

    Based on my life experience, the very worst time to be soul-searching is when you are feeling very tired and washed out......it simply increases your stress-load at a time when you can't afford that extra brain investment.

    Grab a "hugs worth" of your animals and just "be".  Screw the rest of the world for as long as you can manage to allow your energy reserves to build back.  Don't panic mate....be mindful.....we know what this is all about.....so rest should be the aim.

    I do hope you start to feel stronger very soon.

    All my best.

    Number.

Reply
  • over 1 year ago

    Oh Billy, it sounds like you need a good old-fashioned rest!  You and I both know that it ain't easy being Green (Kermit the Frog song)....but that masking can make everything entirely achievable. ....but that masking is very tiring AND it makes you loose sight of yourself = upsetting and disorientating.

    My practical advice to you is as follows;

    1.  Invest your energy to continue masking at work as your priority.  I know you have started a new one - and that is stressful - but loosing the income and routine that it imposes on you at the moment, would probably be ill-advised.

    2.  When you are not at work.....REST.  Don't keep worrying about the complexity of your soul and the narrow simplistic "rails" that most other people seem to need go run on.  We are cross-country souls......nothing contains our range.  This is glorious, but can be VERY tiring.

    Based on my life experience, the very worst time to be soul-searching is when you are feeling very tired and washed out......it simply increases your stress-load at a time when you can't afford that extra brain investment.

    Grab a "hugs worth" of your animals and just "be".  Screw the rest of the world for as long as you can manage to allow your energy reserves to build back.  Don't panic mate....be mindful.....we know what this is all about.....so rest should be the aim.

    I do hope you start to feel stronger very soon.

    All my best.

    Number.

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