Published on 12, July, 2020
I (41, straight mostly cis-gendered male) found out I’m autistic under 2 months ago when a friend that is a psychologist and also autistic told me. I was formally diagnosed under 3 weeks ago with the report saying that I’m high functioning. This process began because I have a history of being in abusive relationships with covert narcissistic women, which caused me to seek therapy from a psychologist that specializes in narcissistic relationships. Through that, I kept asking questions as to why I keep ending up in these, which lead to the revelation that I’m autistic. The other part of why is that my father was an abusive textbook narcissistic personality disorder, so that felt comfortable to me in relationships until the abuse became intolerable. However, the vast majority of my long-term friends are autistic. The ones that aren’t autistic are military veterans like me, so there’s a shared understanding that makes it easy to be autistic around them. They also tend to be stoic, aren’t offended easily, blunt, and are more concerned with results than interpersonal norms.
My concern now is related to dating. I would very much like to date, find a long-term partner, and start a family. I know I’m a good partner because most of my exes said they wish they had treated me better and the preliminary autism report states, “He has struggled to find a romantic partner that is worthy of him, but he is working through negative relationship patterns and trauma in his current therapy. Based on the current evaluation and observation, [All My Friends Are Autistic] is judged to have excellent potential as a good, kind, generous relationship partner if he chooses the right woman. It is recommended that he continue to work on this in therapy, and have his friends 'vet' any potential girlfriends to detect negative characteristics and cues that he may miss.”
Considering my close friends are autistic, perhaps I would match better with an autistic woman, which I have never knowingly dated. I told my autistic friend’s wife (she’s NT and also a psychologist) that I was considering only dating autistic women, and she said that I would get bored because apparently I like spicy women. She said it lovingly and focused on my preferences, not speaking poorly of autistic people, and consider that she herself is married to an autistic man. But, I’m worried about dating a NT because of my previous relationships. I could see advantages to it since they would bring strengths to the relationship that I am lacking in, while I would add my autistic strengths to the relationship as well, making us a solid team. However, I’m worried about being taken advantage of again.
The other piece of this puzzle is that I terminated my two-year relationship with my narcissistic ex a few months ago. During the relationship, she ensured that I lost the majority of my social group and depended on her friends and family to socialize so she could manipulate me better. They function as a predatory pack. It's disgusting, but it's also over. Anyway, that means that I don’t have a social group at the moment. I recently signed up for an autistic support program through a local university that has social meetups. I also found a meetup.com for aspies in my city. I was betting on growing my social circle through them, but considering that my friend said that I wouldn’t match well with an autistic woman, I’m now having doubts of finding a romantic partner in said avenues.
Any thoughts on this? Any advice? Anyone been through something similar? What are you experiences with dating NTs versus autistic people?
Oh wow! Well, I'm not surprised all your friends are autistic. We have a knack of finding each other and there is growing evidence that the communication differences are no "deficit" at all between autistic people because we are naturally on the same wave length.
And the pattern of ending up in abusive relationships isn't unusual. Apart from anything in your own back ground like your father, we often don't see through motives and don't see the exploitation coming.
Personally, I have close relationships with both autistic and NT people. With the right NT people (and my best friend is) we find that we can both benefit from each other's very different perspectives and can give each other insights neither of us would get elsewhere. Two of my ex-boyfriends from my youth and with whom I am still mates turned out to be autistic - quelle surprise! Knew there was a reason we were drawn to each other, lol.
And errrr.... as per AuTriker's point, who said autistic women aren't spicy? LOL not going to give a way too much but sex between two autistic people - well, I can tell you from experience that can be the most fun you can have without actually laughing ;-)
I'd say don't close your mind to any romantic opportunity but be very aware of the negative experiences you've had in the past and take it slow. Not all NT women will be abusive, but their behaviour over time will tell. It may help to have a trusted NT friend to talk to, sometimes they spot ulterior motive and abusive behaviour way before we do and an honest friend will point that out.
All that said, the place where the differences between NT/ND romantic partners might be evident - potentially more beneficial to you - is outside the bedroom. It is rather nice to have your communication style immediately understood by your partner and to know it's always perfectly fine to ask and answer blunt questions without anyone taking offence, or to just understand and be understood when one of you has just had too much of people today and wants to go loose themselves in some hyper focused hobby.
“We have a knack of finding each other and there is growing evidence that the communication differences are no ‘deficit’ at all between autistic people because we are naturally on the same wave length.” Yes! There are two main characteristics about my autistic relationships that I highly appreciate. One, is that when we talk, we are rarely looking at each other. It helps me focus on what they are saying, and I can respond without having to process their emotional disposition so that my responses are as authentic as possible. When I’m thinking about what people are saying and what to respond, I move my eyes like I’m searching through my brain. It’s as if I were looking through the physical area for my thoughts. Two, we rarely have small talk. Small talk is so unfulfilling to me and actually makes me feel shallow and inauthentic...as if I have nothing of value to contribute, just mindless statements made to pass time or create a false relationship. Instead, we discuss matters of greater importance and to a deeper level.
“We often don't see through motives and don't see the exploitation coming.” Exactly, it was only in hindsight after the relationship that I recognized all of the signs and cues that I missed. She clearly had a goal from the beginning and was quite calculated with her behaviors. It’s upsetting that people like that exist.
“LOL not going to give a way too much but sex between two autistic people - well, I can tell you from experience that can be the most fun you can have without actually laughing ;-)” Okay, now I’m excited! Let me go check when this local aspie group is having their next meetup lol.
My close friends that I mentioned in the OP actually insist that when I meet someone, they have to be friends with her to check for anything I might be missing. I think it’s a great idea because they’re both psychologists, one’s an NT, and the other is autistic. They have a wide-range of strengths that would cover a lot of areas. “It is rather nice to have your communication style immediately understood by your partner and to know it's always perfectly fine to ask and answer blunt questions without anyone taking offence, or to just understand and be understood when one of you has just had too much of people today and wants to go loose themselves in some hyper focused hobby.” This is a great point and is a potential reason as to why sex is central to my past relationships. In fact, while we were breaking up and I was in therapy, I would tell my therapist that we were still hooking up. She said that I needed to stop sleeping with her so that I could see what the relationship really was. I did and the whole thing fell apart so quickly.