Autism and Depression

I made a few posts here a few years ago when I was a bit younger but I am now 18 and still feel the exact same, worse even. I've always struggled majorly with my autism, I've tried many things like CAHMS, help at school and some others I can't remember but everything's always made it worse. I used to be mainly angry, it was always anger I felt but that could possibly have just been a way for me to get all my feeling and energy out but all I feel now is sadness and depression and it's horrible. I've always struggled with making and keeping friends, they would always turn on me for no reason and I'd be so confused on why but I always went back to them and I hate myself for that. The last friend I had who also has autism never replies to my messages, he reads them and leaves me on read and never replies, I've tried everything to get him to message me but I guess he doesn't care about my anymore. I also can't speak to my family about anything, I struggle to explain how I feel anyway but they never understand and just say things like "it's alright" when it clearly isn't. I've struggled with bullying my entire life to the point where it never leaves my head, I was always called names, very personal ones, I was ran over by a car when I was really young and people made fun of me for that until the day I left school and my brain just can't let go of it, I just want to forget about it all. I would always be hit by people for no reason, punched, pushed, spat on, food thrown at me, drinks too and so much more. I just don't understand it all, nothing good can ever come to me and it's been that way since the day I was born, it almost feels as if I've been specially picked to receive all of this because it's absolutely ridiculous. My parents know all about this too but I guess they just don't think deep enough to see that it's stuck with me. I can't commit to anything too and it's making life really hard, I tried college and left after 2 months, I've tried many smaller group type things but just don't like them. I'm not really looking for help at this point, I don't really know what I'm looking for because nothing has ever worked, I guess it's just more of a vent or to hopefully get replies from people with similar situations. Sorry if some of this is nonsense, I just can't express myself properly and just end up writing what comes to my head first. There are some others things I wanted to say but probably shouldn't say it on here but thanks to anyone that hopefully reads this.