Advice needed

Although I need a lot of help, I can't find myself able to talk about it during my last few sessions with my therapist. I've been usually able to open up and talk to her, but not this time. It's after my self-diagnousis, I might be mourning the years that I've spent not knowing who I am and being misunderstood, naive, anxious and isolated. I've had a very hard childhood followed by very hard adulthood. A life worth writing a book about, only to be a very sad one. When I think about my life, I feel like I'm the unluckiest human on earth.. It seems like the universe had made a decision to gift me a very hard life that I don't know if it's worth living. Whenever a hardship passes another tough one shows up. I'm tired of it.

For few sessions, I'm not able to express those feelings to my therapist. Partly because my diagnosis isn't official and I'm so scared of being judged as a fraud, and the biggest part is because I'm not good at expressing how I feel, specially when I'm so vulnerable. I'm scared of the feelings themselves and of her potential judgement..

When I get to the session, I try my best not to talk about how I feel. Whenever she asks, I say that I'm not ready. She seems to be confused and not sure what to do to help me. 

What do you think I should do?

Parents
  • Your therapist should not judge you or think you are a fraud, if she does then you need a new therapist! You say you need help so you evidently want her to be able to help you, but you are struggling with how to trust her. Have you explained that you have trust issues? She might be able to help with that. Ultimately, if you want her to help you, you know you will have to open up to her. Maybe just say you have been looking into autism and see that there a lot of things which fit your experience. That would be more neutral.

    I wonder if it would help you to write it all down and email it to her, then you have something to discuss in the session. You could even ask her about having all the counselling via email if you are better with written words.

Reply
  • Your therapist should not judge you or think you are a fraud, if she does then you need a new therapist! You say you need help so you evidently want her to be able to help you, but you are struggling with how to trust her. Have you explained that you have trust issues? She might be able to help with that. Ultimately, if you want her to help you, you know you will have to open up to her. Maybe just say you have been looking into autism and see that there a lot of things which fit your experience. That would be more neutral.

    I wonder if it would help you to write it all down and email it to her, then you have something to discuss in the session. You could even ask her about having all the counselling via email if you are better with written words.

Children
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