Autism obsession with a person

Thank you!

Thank you for your advice! Yes you’re right. Logically I probably know this but emotionally I can’t see it.

ah, i think what probably clashes with it to put the diagnoses off adding it to asd is that they see it perhaps clashing with asd having no relationships and not being social enough to build a relationship. they perhaps see a clash with that.

but it can make sense if they think. if they kinda think how a person who has had trouble with relationships and being lonely would cling onto anyone that ever actually gets close to them. so it makes sense.

Firstly, I’m your age, female, and currently being assessed too, and can empathise with you re your situation. However, there's no easy solution. I’ve had more than one partner and in the past have had to, let’s say, learn to curb my obsessional behaviour re certain individuals. It’s a very difficult emotion to control, but it can be; and the fact, that you’re conscious of it, and seeing a therpist - although not necessarily the right one for you -  is the first step to controlling it.

I taught myself to do so. as I’ve had people obsessed with me and I found it overwhelming, so based on my own experience I was eventually able to manage it.  It will never go away, but you can learn to manipulate it and move your thoughts in another direction.  

When you’ve lived with an individual, as long as you have and focused so much of your energy on that person, you will need the right kind of support to come to terms with the situation.

In my experience, it's best to try more than one therapist, until you feel comfortable... Just think of it like this, therapists are trained to listen, in order for you to work through the situation, hence you cannot depend on a therapist to solve the issue, that’s down to you. I trained as a counsellor, but did not pursue it as a career. What I'd suggest, if you feel comfortable doing so, is getting your feelings down on paper, if it works you'll gain some clarity and calm the obsessional thoughts whirling through your mind, basically, making it easier to navigate your way through the situation. Be gentle with yourself, it will take time, but you can do it.

I'm officially diagnosed autistic and yes, this is familiar to me.  The advice I can give you is - let time pass and these feelings will almost certainly pass.  I think that part of the problem is that we're creatures of habit.  It will take time to readjust.  Try to expose yourself to other things and people, without expectation.  Something or someone may take your interest at some point, and try to encourage that.  I would not have believed it myself, but these feelings do pass.

Another thing you could do is to try to see the situation from the outside.  If your child or friend was telling you the facts of your story, what would you think of it?  Logically you must realise that 'your friend' could eventually get over the partner and find a new partner, or perhaps be content without a partner and that this isn't something which could be predicted by whatever feeling they had after the relationship ended.  You can't know what will happen.  However, you can be good to yourself and give yourself the space to grieve the loss.

Interesting, I’ve looked up BPD and have none of the symptoms of that. Autism yes, but not BPD. It’s funny it’s not listed with ASD as I’ve found loads of examples of people with Aspergers/ASD online saying that a person becomes their obsession and it makes it really difficult to get over an ex. I also found a therapists website that said women with ASD often don’t obsess over things like me do, it’s more subjects or people and they can make great researchers as a result.

www.choosingtherapy.com/.../

obsession with a person and having one special person is a listed BPD trait. 
its not on the asd list, but it is bpd.

I’ve been a wife and mother and grandmother for so long that I’ve always put everyone before me and you’re right, I don’t have a good sense of myself as a person. I’m exploring the idea of a different therapist. 

That’s the problem. All I’ve ever wanted is to be with someone I love that loves me back and I thought he was that person. I don’t want adventures. It’s really tough when all I can think about is him.

Oof, that's hard. 

Apart from your ex potentially being an obsession...  it sounds like maybe you just don't have a good sense of yourself as a person, or a good idea how to live independently.  And things would probably start to get better if you could explore those things more. +10 what Juniper said: a different therapist is probably a good idea. 

You're starting a new life and a start would be to write down all the adventures you want and things you would like to do. Dont allow regrets and the past issues to creep into your brain

Thank you so much for your very detailed and thoughtful response! Everything you’ve said makes complete sense. I know I have to work on myself but I just don’t seem to be able to, which is where I need help. My thoughts are very definite (I.e he is the only one for me, I can’t let go of him, no-one will ever match up to him, I don’t find other men my age attractive and I don’t want to be single) and every technique I’ve tried to try and be more open minded has failed. I will investigate finding someone who thinks they can help me.

You're potentially with the wrong therapist.

I'd seek counsel, wisdom, practical advice. Therapy can help you work on yourself, but without learned techniques that help us grow character in line with our deeper values, things like this can be difficult.

I've been given hard advice and soft advice and all kinds of things to think on regarding these matters. Life is complex enough, it's important to have balance in relationships with those who respect you equally and earn trust equally. These 2 things are the most crucial. Love can grow from this, and while it's important to have a kind of chemistry, sometimes we can be attracted to someone who we will biologically produce good offspring with, but won't have shared values and can leave us - thoughtlessly - in ruins. 

The idea that our pheromones exchange these packets of information and report back to our brains (our control centre) at a rapid speed and that this is how chemistry with another happens, can help when we have an overwhelming impact upon meeting someone - and I've experienced this several times (not often). Autistics tend to feel emotionally and sense-perceive with a depth of impact due to not dulling our senses the same, which can make it difficult to ID emotions and make distinctions between healthy ones vs unhelpful ones.

25 years is a long time. It may take years to let yourself dislodge from that connexion you were impacted by, and I'm so sorry he didn't feel the same toward you, nor desire to work against his selfishness on the matter and choose to create healthy actions his feelings might then follow for the sake of steadfastness. We can become very protective of anything we invest in whether financially or emotionally.

I've noticed that having difficulty with my own emotions and being someone who might have been diagnosed Asperger's (this is no longer in use due to Naxi ties), I have found a type of NT male is always interested in me as something of a Novelty - a mystery to crack! And once they realise there are all kinds of things about me they cannot empathise with/relate with, the mystique wears off and they grow distant or controlling. I have had to understand the typical brain, and unless it's someone with deep ethics and an appreciation for values I also share, all the chemistry in the world won't keep us together. Love is not an impulse, but requires work, selflessness and a willingness to protect and care for the other. 

At the same time, if we don't make a point to work on ourselves and not overwhelm the other or depend on them for our being, we can be a part of pushing them away like weeds overtaking a garden. We all have things we need to keep in check and sometimes work with or around for the benefit of another. This can be easier with a child, who's our responsibility, than a partner, who's needs we are responsible with to help meet - so long as they're not unreasonable and abusive, and we hope will do the same for us. A good reference question for the self can be "what do I do which attracts you? And what pushes you away?" Now, if the attraction is abusive/unhealthy and the pushing away is when you assert a healthy boundary (things you don't feel comfortable with in private, phantasies you don't share, desires that feel perverse/warped, or just needing time to grow), then perhaps this is a sign your values are mismatched with the other and this might not be a productive relationship for either of you.

We cannot control another, and situations like this take a great - and I mean great many years to untangle. It's traumatic as it's a great loss to embrace. Feeling don't disappear, but what matters is how we act on them. When your whole being is wrapped up with someone who is no longer yours to invest in and care for, the difficulty becomes minding the consequence of that difference, like jealousy and resentment, and that's what therapy can help with. You don't have to find anyone else. You are welcome to be single for the rest of your life should you wish. If it seems financially not possible, it can be good to find a friend who's been through the same thing - a good team mate. I had to force myself to find community, get out and do things I liked and live my life when someone I was obsessed with felt we weren't 'meant to be'. And 20 years later, I recognise there's so much I never would've done or learned all these amazing things had I been with him. Life is for living.