Autism obsession with a person

You're potentially with the wrong therapist.

I'd seek counsel, wisdom, practical advice. Therapy can help you work on yourself, but without learned techniques that help us grow character in line with our deeper values, things like this can be difficult.

I've been given hard advice and soft advice and all kinds of things to think on regarding these matters. Life is complex enough, it's important to have balance in relationships with those who respect you equally and earn trust equally. These 2 things are the most crucial. Love can grow from this, and while it's important to have a kind of chemistry, sometimes we can be attracted to someone who we will biologically produce good offspring with, but won't have shared values and can leave us - thoughtlessly - in ruins. 

The idea that our pheromones exchange these packets of information and report back to our brains (our control centre) at a rapid speed and that this is how chemistry with another happens, can help when we have an overwhelming impact upon meeting someone - and I've experienced this several times (not often). Autistics tend to feel emotionally and sense-perceive with a depth of impact due to not dulling our senses the same, which can make it difficult to ID emotions and make distinctions between healthy ones vs unhelpful ones.

25 years is a long time. It may take years to let yourself dislodge from that connexion you were impacted by, and I'm so sorry he didn't feel the same toward you, nor desire to work against his selfishness on the matter and choose to create healthy actions his feelings might then follow for the sake of steadfastness. We can become very protective of anything we invest in whether financially or emotionally.

I've noticed that having difficulty with my own emotions and being someone who might have been diagnosed Asperger's (this is no longer in use due to Naxi ties), I have found a type of NT male is always interested in me as something of a Novelty - a mystery to crack! And once they realise there are all kinds of things about me they cannot empathise with/relate with, the mystique wears off and they grow distant or controlling. I have had to understand the typical brain, and unless it's someone with deep ethics and an appreciation for values I also share, all the chemistry in the world won't keep us together. Love is not an impulse, but requires work, selflessness and a willingness to protect and care for the other. 

At the same time, if we don't make a point to work on ourselves and not overwhelm the other or depend on them for our being, we can be a part of pushing them away like weeds overtaking a garden. We all have things we need to keep in check and sometimes work with or around for the benefit of another. This can be easier with a child, who's our responsibility, than a partner, who's needs we are responsible with to help meet - so long as they're not unreasonable and abusive, and we hope will do the same for us. A good reference question for the self can be "what do I do which attracts you? And what pushes you away?" Now, if the attraction is abusive/unhealthy and the pushing away is when you assert a healthy boundary (things you don't feel comfortable with in private, phantasies you don't share, desires that feel perverse/warped, or just needing time to grow), then perhaps this is a sign your values are mismatched with the other and this might not be a productive relationship for either of you.

We cannot control another, and situations like this take a great - and I mean great many years to untangle. It's traumatic as it's a great loss to embrace. Feeling don't disappear, but what matters is how we act on them. When your whole being is wrapped up with someone who is no longer yours to invest in and care for, the difficulty becomes minding the consequence of that difference, like jealousy and resentment, and that's what therapy can help with. You don't have to find anyone else. You are welcome to be single for the rest of your life should you wish. If it seems financially not possible, it can be good to find a friend who's been through the same thing - a good team mate. I had to force myself to find community, get out and do things I liked and live my life when someone I was obsessed with felt we weren't 'meant to be'. And 20 years later, I recognise there's so much I never would've done or learned all these amazing things had I been with him. Life is for living. 

You're potentially with the wrong therapist.

I'd seek counsel, wisdom, practical advice. Therapy can help you work on yourself, but without learned techniques that help us grow character in line with our deeper values, things like this can be difficult.

I've been given hard advice and soft advice and all kinds of things to think on regarding these matters. Life is complex enough, it's important to have balance in relationships with those who respect you equally and earn trust equally. These 2 things are the most crucial. Love can grow from this, and while it's important to have a kind of chemistry, sometimes we can be attracted to someone who we will biologically produce good offspring with, but won't have shared values and can leave us - thoughtlessly - in ruins. 

The idea that our pheromones exchange these packets of information and report back to our brains (our control centre) at a rapid speed and that this is how chemistry with another happens, can help when we have an overwhelming impact upon meeting someone - and I've experienced this several times (not often). Autistics tend to feel emotionally and sense-perceive with a depth of impact due to not dulling our senses the same, which can make it difficult to ID emotions and make distinctions between healthy ones vs unhelpful ones.

25 years is a long time. It may take years to let yourself dislodge from that connexion you were impacted by, and I'm so sorry he didn't feel the same toward you, nor desire to work against his selfishness on the matter and choose to create healthy actions his feelings might then follow for the sake of steadfastness. We can become very protective of anything we invest in whether financially or emotionally.

I've noticed that having difficulty with my own emotions and being someone who might have been diagnosed Asperger's (this is no longer in use due to Naxi ties), I have found a type of NT male is always interested in me as something of a Novelty - a mystery to crack! And once they realise there are all kinds of things about me they cannot empathise with/relate with, the mystique wears off and they grow distant or controlling. I have had to understand the typical brain, and unless it's someone with deep ethics and an appreciation for values I also share, all the chemistry in the world won't keep us together. Love is not an impulse, but requires work, selflessness and a willingness to protect and care for the other. 

At the same time, if we don't make a point to work on ourselves and not overwhelm the other or depend on them for our being, we can be a part of pushing them away like weeds overtaking a garden. We all have things we need to keep in check and sometimes work with or around for the benefit of another. This can be easier with a child, who's our responsibility, than a partner, who's needs we are responsible with to help meet - so long as they're not unreasonable and abusive, and we hope will do the same for us. A good reference question for the self can be "what do I do which attracts you? And what pushes you away?" Now, if the attraction is abusive/unhealthy and the pushing away is when you assert a healthy boundary (things you don't feel comfortable with in private, phantasies you don't share, desires that feel perverse/warped, or just needing time to grow), then perhaps this is a sign your values are mismatched with the other and this might not be a productive relationship for either of you.

We cannot control another, and situations like this take a great - and I mean great many years to untangle. It's traumatic as it's a great loss to embrace. Feeling don't disappear, but what matters is how we act on them. When your whole being is wrapped up with someone who is no longer yours to invest in and care for, the difficulty becomes minding the consequence of that difference, like jealousy and resentment, and that's what therapy can help with. You don't have to find anyone else. You are welcome to be single for the rest of your life should you wish. If it seems financially not possible, it can be good to find a friend who's been through the same thing - a good team mate. I had to force myself to find community, get out and do things I liked and live my life when someone I was obsessed with felt we weren't 'meant to be'. And 20 years later, I recognise there's so much I never would've done or learned all these amazing things had I been with him. Life is for living. 

Thank you so much for your very detailed and thoughtful response! Everything you’ve said makes complete sense. I know I have to work on myself but I just don’t seem to be able to, which is where I need help. My thoughts are very definite (I.e he is the only one for me, I can’t let go of him, no-one will ever match up to him, I don’t find other men my age attractive and I don’t want to be single) and every technique I’ve tried to try and be more open minded has failed. I will investigate finding someone who thinks they can help me.