My boyfriend has autism and often gets angry and can be really rude to me. What can I do?

To the observer, my enquiries suggest that a "meltdown" is indistinguishable from a child's tantrum, and they feel an instinctive half embarassed revulsion, when they witness one, followed by an instinctive determination to never put that person in any position of responsibility...

I myself can snap into an expression of rage in a millisecond, over something ridiculously trivial. 

It's not only a feature, it is a huge drawback to being me. It's the reason why Autism gets a place in DSM, why some of you can get PIP, and why they now won't let you be a pilot or serve in the army...

The reader might not believe in a Creator, or a plan, or religion even, but the metaphor of having a demon in your head, or being "posessed" certainly seems to apply when it comes down to melting down!

Demanding that other people accept that aspect of me, "in their face" seems a tad unreasonable. Hence I prefer to melt down outside of peoples direct observation. What pisses me off most is the "element of surprise" that you refer to. But I've been doing a lot of work on "meltdown management" recently and it seems to be paying off in my personal life. 

I'm glad I'm not the only one, as I truly feel awful looking back at how I was.. and I'm not trying to make excuses, but since being medicated and getting the appropriate help.. my meltdowns are no longer loud and angry.. it's now more an overwhelming amount of crying and pacing and rocking etc.. so help does make a huge difference.. but we have to make that choice to get help.. no one can do it for us.

I agree and MartinW below made an excellent comment of being autistic is not a free pass to treating people like crap.

Although autistic individuals may have additional challenges.. it is important that we also try to take steps to cope better and treat people how they deserve to be treated.

Good catch, I managed to miss that aspect, and I should not have, it's very in your face, now I re-read the post.

I think her chap needs to know that SOME of our problems as insecure male Autists are exclusively OUR problems, and need to be dealt with by US alone. 

My last O/H had a friend who I personally came to loathe, but I put up with here with as much grace as I could muster and certainly didn't expect my O/H to accomodate my dislike of her friend other than not pressing us together for long periods.

I was much happier for her to go and see that friend than bring her home of course...

Yeah, the guy appears to be expecting a "wrap around girlfriend" not a life companion. If you love someone you ae the rough with the smooth or you let 'em go. People aren't clay, to be moulded to your whim..

For other folks there's more to it than that. Not all of us are able to spot the warning signs either some or all of the time, I used to know another autist IRL who genuinely thought he was fine until suddenly he wasn't and it was almost always too late to intervene and prevent the meltdown. But I appreciate why you think that and hold that standard for yourself. It cannot be easy to ride it out for people in the direct firing line, and NTs like to compare it to a tantrum when they don't know what they are really looking at (it's not like we have a big sign above our heads saying we are autistic) so it can be embarrassing to have a meltdown in public as an adult.

That last line, makes you poster of the week, I reckon.

Well said!

ttl95 said:

Another example is that, for some reason unknown to me, he really hates one of my best friends, and I wanted to go visit her one weekend because she doesn't live close to me (3 hours by train) and I told him that. He got triggered and just started to give me the silence treatment. Then I was the one texting him, trying to understand what was going on.

Hi ttl95,  the above quote from your post tells me he is being abusive amd controlling, this is isolating behaviour and is very separate from autism. NT abusive people do it too.

Hi Char - you’ve made some great suggestions here - so many things that I can relate to. I think if a relationship is fundamentally good and loving then it’s worth trying to find solutions. We’ve done this in our marriage and we have a really happy marriage even though I struggle with some things due to being autistic. My children are autistic too so we’ve had to make lots of little adjustments for all of our various needs. It’s been so worth it though as we all love each other and get on so well, and we all support each other. 
Of course everyone is different and in terms of the original post no one should accept behaviour that is abusive in anyway. It’s all a matter of judging each individual situation - but all relationships require some compromise, and perhaps with us autistic people there are a few extra challenges. However I think on the plus side (from my own experience) autistic people also have many qualities that are a real advantage in a relationship - such as honesty and loyalty. 

I'm not sure if this is the sort of advice you are looking for, but speaking as an autistic man myself, being autistic does not give him the right or a free pass to treat you like this. In your post you have talked about being 'scared', 'lonely', feeling like 'the worst person ever', and asked how you can 'protect' yourself? Is this the relationship you want? A few months into your relationship, he is showing you who he is, believe him.

So certainly I could say things about recognising that some things may be overwhelming, recognising that sometimes he will need space to himself, or that his responses to some things may not be the same as yours, but I think all of that misses the point.

Do you want to be with someone who is really mean to you, who screams at you in public to the point where you are scared, who gives you the silent treatment when you want to see friends, who makes you feel like the worst person ever, who makes you feel lonely, and who you need to be protected from?

If a friend had written this to you, what would your advice to them be?

Sorry to be so blunt, but being autistic is not a free pass to treating people like crap.

Golden rule:

Never melt down in front of someone.

Just leave the room, (casually or comedically if you can) and do it out of sight.

If you can't manage that by your twenties, expect a new life partner n the form of the Mental Health Services.

Having a meltdown for me is in the same bag as being sick.

If you make a real effort, motivated by care for the poor sods who live with you, in both instances one can usually make it out of the room...

It must be really difficult for you to go through and coming here is a good sign that you’re looking for a solution. In the past I haven't always been the nicest to my partner and those close to me when overwhelmed (and also unmedicated with no help - as we didn’t know I was autistic at the time).

If he gets more overwhelmed during big trips, it might be worth him having a think about what will better help put his mind at ease. From personal experience I like to travel comfortably, research where, when and how I will be going somewhere so that I can identify what I can take and where I can go to feel comfort and in my safe space.. it also helps to feel prepared and relaxed for the trip ahead. That said.. sometimes when executive functioning is difficult having some assistance to go through this can be realky helpful.

Looking at your examples:

In the France trip example, it seems like he knew he needed space.. it might help for him to find an area to isolate fully until he is ready. It’s awful for both sides.. as an autistic person the guilt of these outbursts can be soul destroying as you feel awful for how you’ve hurt others and yet there is no/little control when they happen.

When “giving the silence treatment” this is typically very different for autistic vs allistic individuals. Sometimes autistic individuals have no control over them or I find it’s a way to regulate our emotions and to ensure we don’t say anything bad. When I go silent/mute it’s often I want to speak but either can’t find the words or the words just won’t physically come out. It’s a very different experience from allistics that I’ve read use silence as a manipulation technique. Texting is a good way to communicate during these episodes.. and if space is needed on his side this can be communicated non-verbally.

It’s important to express your own feelings too and maybe discuss what would help him and you feel better during times he’s feeling overwhelmed. Seems like a lot of honest communication is needed. For example, before my diagnosis my partner used to think I was trying to manipulate him which used to make me feel worse and more overwhelmed.. as this was never the case.. I just didn’t know how to communicate my needs or thoughts healthily.

Just some examples for you. Since my diagnosis.. we’ve talked about what helps most.. some examples:

• If I am in the bath for hours at a time.. I’m probably needing space to calm down
• After work.. I do not want to talk or communicate at all for an hour or 2.. so I have this time set aside for silence and we then spend time together afterwards
• Instead of walking into the bedroom and turning the light on right away (I prefer darkness a lot as lights hurt my eyes and head) he’ll ask me if it’s okay first.
• I decided to get therapy to help me cope better as it’s important
• I’ve spoken to him about why I sometimes go silent and he now understands this.. I often go in the bath when I feel like this as it helps me cope
• When having meltdowns my partner no longer tries to touch/comfort me and allows me space
• Noise is difficult for me so when things get too loud he will use headphones.. or I will wear my noise cancelling earbuds.. whichever one of us feels like doing - we try to find a balance in everything we do.. but a lot of struggles have been resolved since talking about what does and doesn’t help both of us.
• He used to throw things out to “de-clutter” or move things around the home which caused me to have meltdowns as I struggle with sudden changes.. so we will set time aside and plan to go through things together now when i'm ready.. it takes patience on his side to wait for me.. but the reduction in meltdowns because of this really helps our relationship
• If I’m not feeling great with senses or emotions.. I will let him know by saying.. I’m not feeling so good today - I need space OR I might be a little clingy today.. on days I’m feeling clingy when he has a bath he’ll invite me up to sit with him.. we don’t even have to talk.. just the company is nice
• I can be messy at times.. and have to tidy at specific times (before bed) rather than throughout the day.. so I now try to keep my messes in my set locations of the home so it's out of his way 

A lot of it is about finding what helps for both of you.. it's a partnership so there has to be a balance of give and take.

I’m sorry - that must be really difficult for you. And it sounds like he is also finding many things very difficult. 
Your boyfriend has certain needs due to him being autistic, but you also have needs - for example the need to be treated with respect. Both of your needs in the relationship are equally important - his don’t take precedence because he is autistic. 
I think the key here is communication, and working out ways to deal with these problems when they arise. 
I'm autistic and I sometimes freak out about things - and sometimes I know this impacts on my husband. We’ve been together for over 30 years so we have found ways to deal with this - but it’s still sometimes not easy for both of us. But we love each other, we try to find solutions and we forgive each other. If you both feel that your  relationship is worth the effort you can find ways to deal with these issues when they arise. Work out strategies. It’s definitely possible if you both have the will to make it work. It’s EXTREMELY important though that your needs take equal value in your relationship. You shouldn’t have to ‘put up’ with your partner treating you badly. 
Talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Listen to him and take on board his challenges and the reasons why he might freak out about certain things. Work TOGETHER to find solutions. You can do this if you really love each other. No relationship is perfect. Have realistic expectations, but also have firm boundaries. Good luck! 

I acknowledge that this is upsetting for you.

There's a misconception that autistic people don't feel emotions because of the way we can sometimes express them in an under-proportionate way, but the reality is we do feel the same emotions and then some. Energy and stress management is a full time job for us and we frequently bottle up emotions until they burst over. We are not naturally angry people but fustration can appear that way very easily with a combination of negative factors multiplying on top of eachother to build up to that breaking point.

ttl95 said:

When we got to his place he took a few minutes to himself and I went on the PC to order us food. By accident, I moved the plugs that were already connected to my PC and his computer and he snapped.

It sounds like he knew this was building to a burst but didn't really get to retreat to calm down an effective way. Being able to fully retreat and emotionally regulate is pretty much essential for our mental well being.

ttl95 said:

Another example is that, for some reason unknown to me, he really hates one of my best friends, and I wanted to go visit her one weekend because she doesn't live close to me (3 hours by train) and I told him that. He got triggered and just started to give me the silence treatment. Then I was the one texting him, trying to understand what was going on.

This doesn't sound like it's related to autism, autists are no more likely to be possesive in relationships than anyone else this is a relationship issue where he probably percieves the friend dislikes him for some reason or worries that said friend will drive a wedge between you. That is usually separation anxiety and not manipulative possesion. The "silent treatment" is just as likely to be mutism coming from a lack of understanding how to properly express himself, and not the mind game played by neurotypicals. You will have to have a sit down chat to get to the root of that issue and work on a way to fix it at the source: insecurity.

ttl95 said:

What happens usually is that, if I made a small and innocent mistake he makes me feel like the worse person ever, but when he's mean and makes mistakes I always confort him and try to understand his side. I just feel quite lonely in this realtionship and that I do most of the work.

He needs to work on prevention of outbursts by minimising stresses that contribute to them. And you can help him with this by having a mutually agreed escape/cope plan for him wherever he goes. Sorry to tell you this but the neurotypical's idea of a holiday or fun day out usually isn't the same as our idea of a holiday or fun in fact it may be the opposite. You'll have to find things that you can mutually enjoy or ways you can mutually enjoy them. It's good that he will apologise but it's going to come through that magnified lens when it is happening. A phrase we use in this house is "listen to the emotion not the words" because these are not anger management issues they are meltdowns that went unprevented. The verbal tirade in our house is often hyperbolic and exagerated, and that's because it's a messy miscommunication of our emotions and needs. Hence: "listen to the emotion not the words". Autists actually do manage our anger, but unless the underlying cause isn't addressed it builds to a meltdown and a meltdown once started is near impossible to stop until it runs it's course and they aren't always as the media stereotypes portray. It's also not our fault that meltdowns happen, it sucks to be in the firing line of one but people in our life that thrive in our lives usually figure out they aren't meant personally when they happen and that honestly we feel like monsters in our own skins in the aftermath so no piled on additional guilt required (we already feel worse than crap).

You might benefit from reading more about meltdowns, and shut downs as these are also likely happening not just events of anger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_JzHJTKRnM (Anger caused by communication issues)
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/anger-management/parents (mentions need for retreat in anger)
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences (meltdowns)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6XeB7RUZPQ (meltdowns and warning signs)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-S-Ntx37nI (shutdowns)