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My boyfriend has autism and often gets angry and can be really rude to me. What can I do?

ttl95

My boyfriend (male 29yo) and I (female 28yo) have been dating for the past 8 months. He told me he was autistic very early in the relationship, something that never really bothered me, until I started to notice that he's really mean to me and others when he feels overwhelmed. 

Notes: He often gets more overwhelmed during big trips, when he is outside of his bubble (home), or when he has friends over because he feels like he's babysitting. He is currently living outside of his country (for more than 2 years) and lives in my country, where he doesn't speak the language nor has a lot of friends. We also don't live in the same city, but we live and hour by car from eachother, so we often see eachother more during the weekends

One big example was a few weeks ago we had a trip to France and on the way back home he started to become really overwhelmed and I tried to make the trip as fast and smooth as possible so he wouldn't explode. When we got to his place he took a few minutes to himself and I went on the PC to order us food. By accident, I moved the plugs that were already connected to my PC and his computer and he snapped. He started to scream at me and started to become super angry to the point I was scared, he then went to the toilet. I didn't know what to do, so I ordered us the food and made him a tea and meal preaped him some food for the upcoming week.

He then came to me and apologized, but I still feel like I didn't deserve that treatment at all.

Another example is that, for some reason unknown to me, he really hates one of my best friends, and I wanted to go visit her one weekend because she doesn't live close to me (3 hours by train) and I told him that. He got triggered and just started to give me the silence treatment. Then I was the one texting him, trying to understand what was going on.

What happens usually is that, if I made a small and innocent mistake he makes me feel like the worse person ever, but when he's mean and makes mistakes I always confort him and try to understand his side. I just feel quite lonely in this realtionship and that I do most of the work.

Outside of this he is very sweet and we have a lot of fun together, he's very smart and super funny. We're able to think about the future with eachother and we have a lot of the same future goals.

How can I have boundaries and protect myself from those situations?

Parents

  • I’m sorry - that must be really difficult for you. And it sounds like he is also finding many things very difficult. 
    Your boyfriend has certain needs due to him being autistic, but you also have needs - for example the need to be treated with respect. Both of your needs in the relationship are equally important - his don’t take precedence because he is autistic. 
    I think the key here is communication, and working out ways to deal with these problems when they arise. 
    I'm autistic and I sometimes freak out about things - and sometimes I know this impacts on my husband. We’ve been together for over 30 years so we have found ways to deal with this - but it’s still sometimes not easy for both of us. But we love each other, we try to find solutions and we forgive each other. If you both feel that your  relationship is worth the effort you can find ways to deal with these issues when they arise. Work out strategies. It’s definitely possible if you both have the will to make it work. It’s EXTREMELY important though that your needs take equal value in your relationship. You shouldn’t have to ‘put up’ with your partner treating you badly. 
    Talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Listen to him and take on board his challenges and the reasons why he might freak out about certain things. Work TOGETHER to find solutions. You can do this if you really love each other. No relationship is perfect. Have realistic expectations, but also have firm boundaries. Good luck! 

Reply

  • I’m sorry - that must be really difficult for you. And it sounds like he is also finding many things very difficult. 
    Your boyfriend has certain needs due to him being autistic, but you also have needs - for example the need to be treated with respect. Both of your needs in the relationship are equally important - his don’t take precedence because he is autistic. 
    I think the key here is communication, and working out ways to deal with these problems when they arise. 
    I'm autistic and I sometimes freak out about things - and sometimes I know this impacts on my husband. We’ve been together for over 30 years so we have found ways to deal with this - but it’s still sometimes not easy for both of us. But we love each other, we try to find solutions and we forgive each other. If you both feel that your  relationship is worth the effort you can find ways to deal with these issues when they arise. Work out strategies. It’s definitely possible if you both have the will to make it work. It’s EXTREMELY important though that your needs take equal value in your relationship. You shouldn’t have to ‘put up’ with your partner treating you badly. 
    Talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Listen to him and take on board his challenges and the reasons why he might freak out about certain things. Work TOGETHER to find solutions. You can do this if you really love each other. No relationship is perfect. Have realistic expectations, but also have firm boundaries. Good luck! 

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