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My boyfriend has autism and often gets angry and can be really rude to me. What can I do?

ttl95

My boyfriend (male 29yo) and I (female 28yo) have been dating for the past 8 months. He told me he was autistic very early in the relationship, something that never really bothered me, until I started to notice that he's really mean to me and others when he feels overwhelmed. 

Notes: He often gets more overwhelmed during big trips, when he is outside of his bubble (home), or when he has friends over because he feels like he's babysitting. He is currently living outside of his country (for more than 2 years) and lives in my country, where he doesn't speak the language nor has a lot of friends. We also don't live in the same city, but we live and hour by car from eachother, so we often see eachother more during the weekends

One big example was a few weeks ago we had a trip to France and on the way back home he started to become really overwhelmed and I tried to make the trip as fast and smooth as possible so he wouldn't explode. When we got to his place he took a few minutes to himself and I went on the PC to order us food. By accident, I moved the plugs that were already connected to my PC and his computer and he snapped. He started to scream at me and started to become super angry to the point I was scared, he then went to the toilet. I didn't know what to do, so I ordered us the food and made him a tea and meal preaped him some food for the upcoming week.

He then came to me and apologized, but I still feel like I didn't deserve that treatment at all.

Another example is that, for some reason unknown to me, he really hates one of my best friends, and I wanted to go visit her one weekend because she doesn't live close to me (3 hours by train) and I told him that. He got triggered and just started to give me the silence treatment. Then I was the one texting him, trying to understand what was going on.

What happens usually is that, if I made a small and innocent mistake he makes me feel like the worse person ever, but when he's mean and makes mistakes I always confort him and try to understand his side. I just feel quite lonely in this realtionship and that I do most of the work.

Outside of this he is very sweet and we have a lot of fun together, he's very smart and super funny. We're able to think about the future with eachother and we have a lot of the same future goals.

How can I have boundaries and protect myself from those situations?

Parents

  • It must be really difficult for you to go through and coming here is a good sign that you’re looking for a solution. In the past I haven't always been the nicest to my partner and those close to me when overwhelmed (and also unmedicated with no help - as we didn’t know I was autistic at the time).

    If he gets more overwhelmed during big trips, it might be worth him having a think about what will better help put his mind at ease. From personal experience I like to travel comfortably, research where, when and how I will be going somewhere so that I can identify what I can take and where I can go to feel comfort and in my safe space.. it also helps to feel prepared and relaxed for the trip ahead. That said.. sometimes when executive functioning is difficult having some assistance to go through this can be realky helpful.

    Looking at your examples:

    In the France trip example, it seems like he knew he needed space.. it might help for him to find an area to isolate fully until he is ready. It’s awful for both sides.. as an autistic person the guilt of these outbursts can be soul destroying as you feel awful for how you’ve hurt others and yet there is no/little control when they happen.

    When “giving the silence treatment” this is typically very different for autistic vs allistic individuals. Sometimes autistic individuals have no control over them or I find it’s a way to regulate our emotions and to ensure we don’t say anything bad. When I go silent/mute it’s often I want to speak but either can’t find the words or the words just won’t physically come out. It’s a very different experience from allistics that I’ve read use silence as a manipulation technique. Texting is a good way to communicate during these episodes.. and if space is needed on his side this can be communicated non-verbally.

    It’s important to express your own feelings too and maybe discuss what would help him and you feel better during times he’s feeling overwhelmed. Seems like a lot of honest communication is needed. For example, before my diagnosis my partner used to think I was trying to manipulate him which used to make me feel worse and more overwhelmed.. as this was never the case.. I just didn’t know how to communicate my needs or thoughts healthily.

    Just some examples for you. Since my diagnosis.. we’ve talked about what helps most.. some examples:

    • If I am in the bath for hours at a time.. I’m probably needing space to calm down
    • After work.. I do not want to talk or communicate at all for an hour or 2.. so I have this time set aside for silence and we then spend time together afterwards
    • Instead of walking into the bedroom and turning the light on right away (I prefer darkness a lot as lights hurt my eyes and head) he’ll ask me if it’s okay first.
    • I decided to get therapy to help me cope better as it’s important
    • I’ve spoken to him about why I sometimes go silent and he now understands this.. I often go in the bath when I feel like this as it helps me cope
    • When having meltdowns my partner no longer tries to touch/comfort me and allows me space
    • Noise is difficult for me so when things get too loud he will use headphones.. or I will wear my noise cancelling earbuds.. whichever one of us feels like doing - we try to find a balance in everything we do.. but a lot of struggles have been resolved since talking about what does and doesn’t help both of us.
    • He used to throw things out to “de-clutter” or move things around the home which caused me to have meltdowns as I struggle with sudden changes.. so we will set time aside and plan to go through things together now when i'm ready.. it takes patience on his side to wait for me.. but the reduction in meltdowns because of this really helps our relationship
    • If I’m not feeling great with senses or emotions.. I will let him know by saying.. I’m not feeling so good today - I need space OR I might be a little clingy today.. on days I’m feeling clingy when he has a bath he’ll invite me up to sit with him.. we don’t even have to talk.. just the company is nice
    • I can be messy at times.. and have to tidy at specific times (before bed) rather than throughout the day.. so I now try to keep my messes in my set locations of the home so it's out of his way 

    A lot of it is about finding what helps for both of you.. it's a partnership so there has to be a balance of give and take.

  • in reply to Char

    Hi Char - you’ve made some great suggestions here - so many things that I can relate to. I think if a relationship is fundamentally good and loving then it’s worth trying to find solutions. We’ve done this in our marriage and we have a really happy marriage even though I struggle with some things due to being autistic. My children are autistic too so we’ve had to make lots of little adjustments for all of our various needs. It’s been so worth it though as we all love each other and get on so well, and we all support each other. 
    Of course everyone is different and in terms of the original post no one should accept behaviour that is abusive in anyway. It’s all a matter of judging each individual situation - but all relationships require some compromise, and perhaps with us autistic people there are a few extra challenges. However I think on the plus side (from my own experience) autistic people also have many qualities that are a real advantage in a relationship - such as honesty and loyalty. 

Reply
  • in reply to Char

    Hi Char - you’ve made some great suggestions here - so many things that I can relate to. I think if a relationship is fundamentally good and loving then it’s worth trying to find solutions. We’ve done this in our marriage and we have a really happy marriage even though I struggle with some things due to being autistic. My children are autistic too so we’ve had to make lots of little adjustments for all of our various needs. It’s been so worth it though as we all love each other and get on so well, and we all support each other. 
    Of course everyone is different and in terms of the original post no one should accept behaviour that is abusive in anyway. It’s all a matter of judging each individual situation - but all relationships require some compromise, and perhaps with us autistic people there are a few extra challenges. However I think on the plus side (from my own experience) autistic people also have many qualities that are a real advantage in a relationship - such as honesty and loyalty. 

Children
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    I'm glad I'm not the only one, as I truly feel awful looking back at how I was.. and I'm not trying to make excuses, but since being medicated and getting the appropriate help.. my meltdowns are no longer loud and angry.. it's now more an overwhelming amount of crying and pacing and rocking etc.. so help does make a huge difference.. but we have to make that choice to get help.. no one can do it for us.

    I agree and MartinW below made an excellent comment of being autistic is not a free pass to treating people like crap.

    Although autistic individuals may have additional challenges.. it is important that we also try to take steps to cope better and treat people how they deserve to be treated.