Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm male, 40 years old and to the outside world (or most of it) I seem like your pretty standard adult.
I hold down a full-time, rather demanding and complex job. I support a family, pay my bills and get on with my life.
The reality is much different.
I've never written this all down before, so here goes.
(sorry, this might be a long post, but I need to get it off my chest).
I like lists because they are clear and concise, so here's a list of things that I've noticed about myself over the years...some I struggle with and some are actually helpful in certain situations:
- I have a extreme sensitivity to the feel of certain fabrics (particularly polyester) I just cant stand it. It almost feels physically painful when I think about the feel of it.
- I can be very blunt, or so I'm told. Sometimes to the point of sounding rude or so direct it throws people off.
- Multiple sounds at the same time distract me, sometimes evoking a feeling of rage. Particularly high pitched or sudden noises.
- I get really upset (internally its like a sadness mixed with a spoilt child) if I can't do something I planned on doing or really enjoy.
- I have obsessive interests. Some of them long-standing, others come and go...but I get SO engrossed in them that it takes over days of my life at time.
- I've always had this underlying feeling of being an alien on the wrong planet.
- I miss certain social cues (like someone getting bored when I'm talking) but I see other cues almost instantly.
- I find a lot of peoples interests, particularly those that seem like they have little substance (like watching reality TV) utterly perplexing. They confuse the heck out of me.
- If I get something in my head, I find it almost impossible to shake off...until I've done it.
- I like to plan things out in my head.
- I HATE being late for things, always try to turn up early or it makes me unbearably anxious.
- I was a quiet and smart kid, never got in to trouble, I wasn't physically overactive but my brain has been in full-on race mode since as far back as I can remember.
- I make friends, but can only cope with being close to a handful of people.
- I cope in social situations (just about) but I loath them, they are draining on every level imaginable.
- I get bored if someone tries to speak to me about something I'm not interested in...and fast. In seconds my mind drifts.
- I obsessively think of the same things over and over and find comfort in it.
- I love working from the office, the main reason being...it's full of straight lines, it's clean and everything is laid out in an orderly fashion.
- I info dump, go on about something in the greatest of detail when talking to people close to me.
- I repeat myself, especially if its about something important to me. I might bring up a point 4 or 5 times over the course of a week.
- I find myself 'stimming' as I've been told it's called, usually repetitive hand movements that are not easily noticeable.
- If I like the shape of something, I draw it out in my mind, sometimes multiple times.
- When I'm tired or burned out, I find it harder to 'mask' things and these behaviours are more pronounced.
- I don't always show my emotions in facial expressions, sometimes coming across as robotic...but I'm not. I feel things so deeply sometimes its almost physically painful.
- I love facts, statistics and geeky bits of knowledge. Holding on to them without a problem, but forgetting the simple task I needed to do on a given day.
- If something has no tangible outcome or point to it, I don't want to do it. I will go out of my way to say I'm not doing it.
- Logic, truth and honesty are the most important things values to me...bar none! without these things I feel utterly lost.
- I've always been referred to (by friends and family) as highly intelligent and reliable (if plans are made, I'm there without fail) but I can come across as harsh, unfeeling or arrogant.
So my question to other adults who have been diagnosed is...
Is there enough here for me to seek an assessment? Or am I just interpreting normal things as 'abnormal'?I keep doubting myself, convincing myself that I'm just fussy or difficult.
Thank you very much for this.
I can relate to a lot that you posted, I’m also undiagnosed , not quite 40 yet, and flip between thinking I’m definitely ND and not being so sure. Have you taken an AQ-50 test? Embrace-Autism website is quite a good place to go
I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling- I am now diagnosed though (which doesn't completely stop the doubting, just so you are warned :) ), and I am becoming more and more accepting of my autistic identity. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling like this. In fact, I have come to realise that overthinking and questioning everything (for example whether we are autistic) are in fact 'autistic traits' . I now have to laugh at myself as I have realised that my doubts about whether I am autistic were in fact clues that I really am. :)
Hi, I highly recommend contacting Sara Heath- she does a prediagnostic assessment (which is 2-6 hours, so not the 1 hour you were asking for).Sara writes a report summarising her prediagnostic assessment which gives in depth information about any traits and also states her opinion If she thinks you are autistic, you can arrange to see a consultant psychiatrist she works with who can give a formal diagnosis which is recognised by the NHS, if he agrees with Sara's findings. Sara is autistic herself and has a lot of experience with recognising autism in others. I was diagnosed via her. In fact, I felt similarly to you- I was so torn and confused whether I was autistic and I wanted to know and didn't feel like I could wait for such a long time (especially as I was abroad and expecting to move around a lot, so that I would never have made it to the end of a waiting list). I had a very good experience with Sara. It was also great that she took the time to also explain some more about autism to me and I felt like finally I was talking to someone who understood how I was feeling. When I did move back to the UK, I saw the psychiatrist she works with and received the diagnosis. I would recommend phoning or emailing Sara- she is lovely and will be able to give you all the details. As far as I can tell this is also one of the most affordable routes towards a private diagnosis. Autonomy Plus - Pre-Diagnostic (shropshireautonomy.co.uk)
a lot of this rings true with me (in my late-40s)flip flop between thinking "I am" to "do I care if I am"?I am largely doing ok at life. For the most part I function perfectly fine (especially as an older adult where it is perfectly acceptable to do your own thing more and more). I have gone through life thinking I am shy and/or anti-social.But weirdly, I used to have lots of friends (and surrounded myself with lots of big characters... maybe subconsciously this is how I was able to socialise, but disappear in to the background simultaneously. But in small familiar groups, zero issues.The more I read, the more I think I am. But because I do function and work and have a family and friends, partly wonder if I have just convinced myself I am as a coping mechanism for the fact that I am just rude and/or insensitive?Catlover any tips on how to find someone good? Ive stumbled across this website whilst trying to google finding someone. Even this websites links doesnt appear to offer up any assessment specialists (not in my area anyway).
Yes! There is plenty there to warrant a diagnosis. You will forever doubt yourself until you get assessed. But…,I have to say, many professionals are clueless, and might say that you function very well, therefore you can’t possibly be autistic. In which case, you do elsewhere!
So, if you go private, look for someone who specialises in autism. Not all psychologists and psychiatrists do.
it's like it would be helpful if there was someone you could just talk to for an hour, like a pre-assessment assessment, just to get an idea if it's worth pursuing a diagnosis with ideas of what you, in your actual situation, could do with it action wise. you know what I mean? Is it roughly this or am I being daft.
I can't help here as I'm in an incredibly similar situation. mid 40. Undiagnosed.
I'm going round in circles of being convinced I'm on the spectrum and then thinking I'm being silly.
I can relate to a *lot* of your list. Are you planning on a diagnosis? I can't make my mind up. I tell myself I've got this far and I'm fine but on the other hand I'm living in a fairly stressful state, job wise, I'm good but I'm slow. It takes me a long time to onboard new concepts and I'm in an industry which changes month by month. I find it really hard taking in information in "real time" (conversational pace) esp in team discussions etc. Feels like I'm on some kind of conveyor belt I can't get off because I have no other skills in any other area which would pay similar salary and I have a partner and two children (both diagnosed). On the other hand, I don't know what I could actually do about any of this. Sorry I'd written a bit of a brain dump which I've now deleted, but you get the idea.
Just interesting to hear from people in similar situations (age wise etc). I hope you can get something sorted out.