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I feel fake all the time and I can't switch it off

Abigail

I feel like I am pretending with everything about me, even when I'm on my own. It's like I am constantly in my own head analysing everything that I am doing to seem "normal". It even happens when I am on my own, I will stop myself from doing something that is considered "weird". I think this is masking but I really don't know because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it as I don't have my official diagnosis yet (haven't even had my first meeting or anything. Very annoying and am anxious about that because I want and feel like I need that support and validation). What do I do? I am exhausted all the time because I am constantly thinking about everything I say and do. I have stopped myself from stimming a lot and it is constantly pent up. I feel like I am going to explode (not literally) all the time but I can't seem to let myself go when I am on my own in my room. I don't really know what to do at this point. How do I bring this up with my doctor? Should I get a therapist? What is the best way to do that and will they understand? I've never talked about this before and it's the first time I feel I have noticed and acknowledged it and I want to let it all out but I think I have been doing this for so long that I can't and don't know how.

  • I'm in exactly the same boat! It's hard being in limbo. I'm questioning about myself and everything I've ever done. I really want to just be myself because my head feels like it's about to cave in.

  • in reply to HP35

    I don't know anyone in my life that is autistic. I wish I did though because I think it would help me understand myself more.

  • Is it possible for you to spend time in person around other autistic people? I found that helped.

  • At the age of 19 I think I was "playing" with all sorts of identities and feelings.....I most certainly didn't know who I was or what I should or would become.

    I don't think that is especially diagnostic of any particular condition because I believe it is VERY common amongst many people in the 18-25 age group.

    It is great that you are aware of yourself in the way that you report.  Just give yourself a good bit of time to explore your thoughts and feelings whilst you experience different situations in your life to see if any common tropes are apparent.

    Don't necessarily try to figure out everything for certain too early.  I think it really does take some considerable time to "know ones self" irrespective of what diagnosis or 3rd party opinion you receive regarding yourself.

    I think (trite though it sounds) that keeping calm, sane and self aware requires more than enough effort at your stage of life.  I wish you sincere best wishes with those onerous challenges in this day and age.

    Number.

  • I know what you mean. I've felt like i was performing in social situations for most of my life rather than just acting naturally and being myself. I've learnt to mask from a young age basically to cope in a non-autistic world. I also do the monitoring thing where i'm constantly analysing how well or (usually) badly i'm doing in social situations. The book 'Taking Off The Mask' by Hannah Louise Belcher really helped me. I think i've used just about every masking technique there is over the years

    Be kind to yourself and take things slowly is my best advice. I was seeing my parents daily around the time of my autism realization but now only see them once a week because i found it so exhausting being around them and it was making me ill quite frankly. 

    So limiting social interaction early on was beneficial for me and continues to be. Might be something to keep in mind 

  • I think I´m in a similar stage. I recently found out I might be autistic and I´m doing an official diagnosis with a psychologist next month. 

    I feel like I don't truly know who I am and what it is to be me, but it´s probably not something we can discover quickly. It will take time. Don´t be hard on yourself. I´m sure you will eventually figure it out, but it cannot be done as a 180 turn. Go slow. Do what makes you feel comfortable. 

    Are you afraid that if you let yourself stim on your own, you will eventually do it in front of other people? Is that something you want to prevent? Are you ashamed of who you are? 

    The first step in showing your true self to others is accepting yourself. With everything.  Even the things, you don´t like. How can others accept you if you don´t accept yourself? Do you know what I mean? 

    All my life I thought I was a bad person for not being able to spend as much time with my friends as they or I would like. Or not caring enough. Or being selfish. But those things are not true and now I know it. I still hate it, but now I at least know it´s not my fault, and the more I learn, the more I´m able to accept who I am. 

    So take your time. After all, you´re just getting to know yourself. I watched a lot and I mean a lot of youtube videos on the subject. I´m sure not all of them were completely accurate, but those from other autistic people are probably the best.