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I feel fake all the time and I can't switch it off

Abigail

I feel like I am pretending with everything about me, even when I'm on my own. It's like I am constantly in my own head analysing everything that I am doing to seem "normal". It even happens when I am on my own, I will stop myself from doing something that is considered "weird". I think this is masking but I really don't know because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it as I don't have my official diagnosis yet (haven't even had my first meeting or anything. Very annoying and am anxious about that because I want and feel like I need that support and validation). What do I do? I am exhausted all the time because I am constantly thinking about everything I say and do. I have stopped myself from stimming a lot and it is constantly pent up. I feel like I am going to explode (not literally) all the time but I can't seem to let myself go when I am on my own in my room. I don't really know what to do at this point. How do I bring this up with my doctor? Should I get a therapist? What is the best way to do that and will they understand? I've never talked about this before and it's the first time I feel I have noticed and acknowledged it and I want to let it all out but I think I have been doing this for so long that I can't and don't know how.

Parents

  • I think I´m in a similar stage. I recently found out I might be autistic and I´m doing an official diagnosis with a psychologist next month. 

    I feel like I don't truly know who I am and what it is to be me, but it´s probably not something we can discover quickly. It will take time. Don´t be hard on yourself. I´m sure you will eventually figure it out, but it cannot be done as a 180 turn. Go slow. Do what makes you feel comfortable. 

    Are you afraid that if you let yourself stim on your own, you will eventually do it in front of other people? Is that something you want to prevent? Are you ashamed of who you are? 

    The first step in showing your true self to others is accepting yourself. With everything.  Even the things, you don´t like. How can others accept you if you don´t accept yourself? Do you know what I mean? 

    All my life I thought I was a bad person for not being able to spend as much time with my friends as they or I would like. Or not caring enough. Or being selfish. But those things are not true and now I know it. I still hate it, but now I at least know it´s not my fault, and the more I learn, the more I´m able to accept who I am. 

    So take your time. After all, you´re just getting to know yourself. I watched a lot and I mean a lot of youtube videos on the subject. I´m sure not all of them were completely accurate, but those from other autistic people are probably the best.  

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  • I think I´m in a similar stage. I recently found out I might be autistic and I´m doing an official diagnosis with a psychologist next month. 

    I feel like I don't truly know who I am and what it is to be me, but it´s probably not something we can discover quickly. It will take time. Don´t be hard on yourself. I´m sure you will eventually figure it out, but it cannot be done as a 180 turn. Go slow. Do what makes you feel comfortable. 

    Are you afraid that if you let yourself stim on your own, you will eventually do it in front of other people? Is that something you want to prevent? Are you ashamed of who you are? 

    The first step in showing your true self to others is accepting yourself. With everything.  Even the things, you don´t like. How can others accept you if you don´t accept yourself? Do you know what I mean? 

    All my life I thought I was a bad person for not being able to spend as much time with my friends as they or I would like. Or not caring enough. Or being selfish. But those things are not true and now I know it. I still hate it, but now I at least know it´s not my fault, and the more I learn, the more I´m able to accept who I am. 

    So take your time. After all, you´re just getting to know yourself. I watched a lot and I mean a lot of youtube videos on the subject. I´m sure not all of them were completely accurate, but those from other autistic people are probably the best.  

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