Hello.
Firstly I wanted to say a big thank you to the community and the participants. It is not just about belonging to a group of like minded individuals, or validation of previously "worrying odd traits" to be OK and normal. It is also the fact that the conversations can be interesting, mentally stimulating and satisfying even when perspectives are different (something that is essentially missed when discussing anything with a NT in my experience).
Secondly and on to the topic I would like your thoughts on.
I have noted that alot of people find camouflaging exhausting, unnecessary and a way the society has forced us to conform to their idea of "normal".. which is something to resent, reject and therefore refuse to comply with.. although understandable, that is not my perspective.
I like my space.. physically I don't like people getting too close to me (I might give exceptions when I want to but that can be revoked and certainly is not a free for all type thing). Emotionally is pretty much the same concept too.
With that in mind, I like camouflaging to help me control the narrative in my social interactions (which I must have to live!) So for example, going to work, I put on my formal wear which includes a professional mask, the whole attire I consider to be a version of myself I use for work. Yes it can include forced social interactions (among other things) that I would rather skip but I understand it's requirement and I do it in the same way I tell my dog "good boy" when he sits upon prompting (no intended offence for any NT).
My point is I see the use and I control the quantity and quality of the masked behaviours that I do which suits the outcome I have intended without too much anguish on my side. So the world see what I allow them to see about myself.
Upon the discovery of myself being autistic, camouflaging got my attention and resentment because I was doing it subconsciously and frankly no matter how effective, one would ALWAYS know that they are different than others around which comes with associated challenges and terrible self image etc. But upon reassessing and taking control of the situation, my behaviour and therefore my life, my stance changed to "my choice" for "my reasons" in my "own way" and that made it ok!
However, can't help but think that this might be my glorious brain finding control on an otherwise out of (my) control situation to continue a behaviour that I would suffer without. (I.e., self preservation and adaptation etc. Which I/my brain are quite good at) but even if that is the case, can I still not use camouflaging as a tool for my benefit rather than reject it and suffer the consequences?
To me, the issue was the awareness. As long as I am aware of who I am and what I am doing and why, I am ok with it, but blindly complying or following other sheep in a long queue is not something I am ok with.
What are your thoughts?
Thanks.