Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
Introduction (Me): young adult, currently at college, still living at home, autistic (diagnosed aged 16), adhd (undiagnosed).
Problem: my mother. She has mild symptoms of adhd, but big problems with organisation to the extent that I really don't think it's normal... which is why I thought I would check with everyone on here as I don't have much experience with normality. Our house is an absolute tip. Our kitchen: a carpet of dust and dirt and little bits of furry vegetables that have fallen lining the edges of the floor; sink is brown and blocked with tea leaves; clutter on every single surface, washing up is done irregularly and there are things waiting (jars, plastic packages, etc.) that have been there for weeks; no system of organisation in the fridge or cupboards. Hallway: full of boxes and piles of junk covered in sheets from when we moved six years ago and still stuff hasn't been sorted or unpacked. Bathroom: looks like something from a third-world country; completely black and mouldy and slimy. We still have bare plaster and naked lightbulbs from building work 2 years ago which hasn't been painted, and no wardrobe or filing cabinets. Everything is just a hellish mess.
For someone with OCD tendencies, I find it really stressful living in so much disorder. I also have executive functioning issues and find it hard to cope with stuff unless there is a clear structure of organisation and chore routine. My mother does not have a job, and before you ask, she's not depressed. She says that she's an organised person (family and I beg to differ) but has a lot on her plate. Lockdown... issues with my schooling... my mental and physical health issues... but I see other people who have larger family and full time careers managing to keep an organised home.
I love my mum so much and she's a wonderful person, but the way we have been living for the past few years shows no hope of changing and causes me and my dad a lot of pain. It will be at least another couple of years before I consider leaving home. None of it is my stuff; I'm not in control of how the house is run; there is very little I can do; and she won't accept any advice or support.
I think this is beyond most self-help books, and beyond the "little-bit-here-little-bit-there" tidying she promises to do when she has the chance. But the chance never comes.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Ok, so I'm 23 and have been through very similar situations. I was late diagnosed and also suspect I may need an ADHD assessment.
If you cannot move out, then your only option is to clean and make your living space tolerable. Your mum will not magically get better, so stop waiting for things to change because even if it does, it wont be overnight and the state of the place wont be helping if she has ADHD. You have to focus on college, you wont be able to whilst living in a bin. Even if the extra work is stressful, it simply cannot compare to leaving it to get worse. The bathroom mould is a very big problem because mould can cause neurological damage and poisoning. So, for everyones safety, your father and yourself must take responsibility since so far, your mum isn't. If you decide to clean it yourselves rather than hire someone to do so (I recommend a specialist for mould however), you will need:
Please also note that if the area is larger than a meter 1x1, your dad and yourself must hire a specialist due to health and safety risks.
You will all feel much better after you have done a full clean of the property.