Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
Introduction (Me): young adult, currently at college, still living at home, autistic (diagnosed aged 16), adhd (undiagnosed).
Problem: my mother. She has mild symptoms of adhd, but big problems with organisation to the extent that I really don't think it's normal... which is why I thought I would check with everyone on here as I don't have much experience with normality. Our house is an absolute tip. Our kitchen: a carpet of dust and dirt and little bits of furry vegetables that have fallen lining the edges of the floor; sink is brown and blocked with tea leaves; clutter on every single surface, washing up is done irregularly and there are things waiting (jars, plastic packages, etc.) that have been there for weeks; no system of organisation in the fridge or cupboards. Hallway: full of boxes and piles of junk covered in sheets from when we moved six years ago and still stuff hasn't been sorted or unpacked. Bathroom: looks like something from a third-world country; completely black and mouldy and slimy. We still have bare plaster and naked lightbulbs from building work 2 years ago which hasn't been painted, and no wardrobe or filing cabinets. Everything is just a hellish mess.
For someone with OCD tendencies, I find it really stressful living in so much disorder. I also have executive functioning issues and find it hard to cope with stuff unless there is a clear structure of organisation and chore routine. My mother does not have a job, and before you ask, she's not depressed. She says that she's an organised person (family and I beg to differ) but has a lot on her plate. Lockdown... issues with my schooling... my mental and physical health issues... but I see other people who have larger family and full time careers managing to keep an organised home.
I love my mum so much and she's a wonderful person, but the way we have been living for the past few years shows no hope of changing and causes me and my dad a lot of pain. It will be at least another couple of years before I consider leaving home. None of it is my stuff; I'm not in control of how the house is run; there is very little I can do; and she won't accept any advice or support.
I think this is beyond most self-help books, and beyond the "little-bit-here-little-bit-there" tidying she promises to do when she has the chance. But the chance never comes.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Housework is such a thankless task. You get it done and then within months it all needs doing again! When you are living in a mess it can be easier to just look past it and ignore the problem.
From your comments there are three people in your house at least. It is not your mother's responsibility alone. Maybe with your dad you could make it a joint effort. Sometimes it is hard to get started but then once you do the momentum kicks in and you can achieve a lot in a short time.
See if you can set aside a day or two when you are all at home and start to tackle it together, one room at a time. The state you describe does sound too daunting for one person to take on alone.
It is not helpful to question how the house has got into that state. It has happened and you need to be forward looking about how best to deal with it. If you can work together and get the house in order then hopefully going forward it will be more manageable.
Thanks for your advice, and also thank you PinkPomPom
I have offered many times to help sort the house and even made a start when she's been out for the day. However, I am at college full time and I'm having to work flat-out to get the grades I need to go to uni eventually, as my GCSEs and A-levels were a screw-up. I could manage doing chores if I'm instructed what to do, but I know I will burn myself out if I try and tackle the stress of organising our home on top of the stress of everything else. I know that makes me sound like a really spoiled kid, but I just don't have the capacity to help at the moment. My dad also works full time in a rather intense job. Besides this, my mum won't accept any help and gets very irritated and defensive when I try and bring it up. When my sister comes home, she accomplishes more in 5 minutes than my mum accomplishes in a week, but she doesn't get home very often nowadays as she's lately married with her own house.
I'm just beginning to think that it might be something neurologically abnormal with my mum which means she struggles so much with organisation. I know this probably sounds stupid, but is it worth seeking some sort of professional guidance support??
It is a difficult situation. You've already mentioned ADHD and I agree that could be a possibility.
Have you tried making a start when your mother is there? If not that could be worth a try, if you can agree a suitable time with your sister.
The only other thing you can do, at least while you're concentrating on your studies, is to stay in your room as much as you can. If you can keep your own space clean and organised that should make it easier for you to study.