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Poly

A friend sat me & my partner down about 10 years ago and told us she was polyamorous. She had a boyfriend and a second love interest at the time.

I'd never heard the term before and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on I realised this is how I felt as well. I have been fighting it off because I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship that I don't want to upset, but I also feel in some ways a little restricted by that. I love my partner and will stay 100% loyal to her as that is the loyal relationship we have.

I'm sure anyone reading this will immediately think 'you want to be physically intimate with another person'. This isn't my concern. My concern is surrounding the notion of freedom, actually to be more accurate, the palpable feeling of restraint or restriction that I feel single person relationships hold over individuals in society's unwritten 'Rulebook of Expectation'. You know the one, that everybody signed (accept, nobody has, they just go along with it without question??).

If it was a physical thing I could just go out and cheat and be a dishonest person. But I have no interest in breaking the love and trust of my partner. It is much more nuanced than that. It's the feeling of freedom to know and share love and care with whomever I feel it towards. I feel that deeply. This isn't about physical intimacy, this is about philosophical freedom.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way?

As I say I'd never heard that term before, but within my circle of family and friends I don't know anyone else that follows this way of thinking. It would definitely be frowned upon and seen as 'weird' or similar, and although I am growing into my unmasked unique self, the idea of being open about things like this that can so easily be mischaracterised and life changing in the most important relationships I know, is frightening to me

  • Wow, this is an Interesting and deep thread. It's become clear to me in my life that "love" means different things to different people.

    The Greeks had several nuanced words for love, being eros, agapae, spiritus and filius, (If I remember correctly something I learned 50 years ago). 

    This conversation mixes them up in places.

    Also, one needs to be kind to people with incompatible mindsets, this is after all a thread purporting  to be about love expressing love.

    I watched a bitchute or youtube documentary a while back about a polyamourous group of people entitled "Is your friend a Unicorn?", which reminded me of when I have watched such people close up and impersonal in the past. 

    Look for the people in life who are genuinely content and stable and see how they live, is the advice I'd give, and is how I live my own life.

    And I always remember Adrian B who wanted to sleep with another girl introducing her to the concept of polyamoury, and reaping the lonely rewards that attend being such a massive twat...

    "Polycules" appear to have weaker bonds than more covalent relationships...

  • Nope. Entirely wrong angle. Quite happy to be an accountable citizen thank you.

    I'm talking about a similar subtleties in the controlling of our behaviour as that of unconscious bias. If you don't know anything different then people generally don't question the norms of society. This is just another example.

    I'm all about questioning standardised principles that we all continue to stick to without a second thought.

    This really has nothing to do with me specifically, that's just a starting to point to talk about how it first came into my awareness.

    What other things do you go along with because that's just what you were conditioned to do? Hmm

  • Playing the Windows 95 shutting down music...............plop.

  • Flipping heck Martin?

    I really am beginning to think that I have returned from sabbatical WAY, WAY to early?

    And.....I note that I am failing to follow my own stated advice 4 hours ago in this thread.

  • I get the impression that your real problem is that you wished that you did not have a conscience. The sociopath is probably the only entirely societally free, conscience-less, kind of person. Unless, of course they end up in prison, where freedom is literally curtailed.

  • Society isn't even ready to discuss being open enough to allow the freedom of choice to occur.

    Substitute the word "choice" for the words "expressed thought" or "expressed opinion" and you have yourself a new acolyte !  I am existentially concerned for each and every one of us these days JT.

  • Again, I see your perspective, but that is moving straight passed the issue of freedom and into the logistical difficulty that may or may not arise.

    Society isn't even ready to discuss being open enough to allow the freedom of choice to occur.

    ...I know, in theory, we can do whatever we want. But, it is the oppressive court of public opinion that isn't willing to be open in my opinion

  • I know very little about this but I think it’s important to remember that poly relationships are not open. As I understand it it only really works if all parties consider themselves poly and consent to the arrangement. Which means every time someone joins the relationship it requires the approval of all concerned. In that sense poly people only get to have poly relationships with other poly people.

    Also there is the sexuality issue. A relationship where 2 parties are not sexually attracted can become strained. They naturally tend to compete for the attention of the 3rd parties in the relationship. Ideally you’d want everyone to by physically attracted to everyone else which means either everyone has to be gay and the same sex or all but one of them have to be bi.

    it sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. How would you have a poly break up? It’s going to be messy because people can now switch sides. If A and B fall out and one wants to break up but they both want to stay involved with C how’s that going to work? C will have to choose.

    what if A wants kids in the family but B doesn’t and C is undecided. Again C is in the middle especially if C is the only male. In relationships you have to make serious life decisions together. That’s hard with 2 people. To get unanimity between 3 or more people sounds totally infeasible. About the only way it could work is if you have one hugely dominant personality in the relationship and everyone else with a highly submissive personality that’s happy to let one person make most of the decisions.

  • I did never worry until recently......but the untimely and unfair self-expulsion of some titans recently have given me pause for thought and reflection.  I am untoward and out of step with the world, always have been.  I mean no harm - ever (or if I do, there is absolutely no doubt about it)

    I am trying to channel my seething and defensive energy into positive work and service for the remaining freaks and weirdos like me who rightly should be able to call this place home.

  • For sure. For me, at this stage, it is less about logistics and more about principle barriers.

    I'm just curious as to what others think as I'm quietly assessing the world, and not taking big bold giant steps to unravel it.

    I'm just curious about how society of constructed and why certain things are as such

  • Its a debate in an open forum, worry not Slight smile

  • Thank you, this is most helpful

  • I am glad you’ve found this out for yourself. It doesn’t matter what other people think, as long as you are living your life how you want to.

    I am not Poly. It is not for me. but I know all about it, and I have people close to me that are. I just wanted to say that even if you find that special other, the relationship may not be plain sailing. It’s awfully hard to give everything to more than one relationship, and sometimes, you may find that it isn’t the best thing after all. 
    I hope you understand what I’m trying to say? I’m speaking about the situation in general, not yours.

  • Bless you.  I am needy for the reassurance that I do not inadvertently causing harm to others on such delicate and personal matters in this place, at the moment.  Thank you JT.

  • You seem to get it, so thank you for your contribution, always appreciated Slight smile

  • Time for me to jump back out of this thread (a new coping mechanism recommended to me by a very wise and very old soul to ensure a long life.).  I don't think I have anything to add - I hope my contribution has been OK for you JT.  I send you love.....of the type you mean. xxx

  • I respectfully disagree.  I do think (nay know) that there is a split between tribes, but that split is not between men and women, but between those of have known-and-shared absolute trust and those who have not.

    Also - for what its worth - I did not take the commentary of Caelus as being presumptuous - merely him stating his truth as a stand alone point.

  • I'm not polyamorous myself but I know people who are. It's tough, because so many people don't understand it and misinterpret it as cheating, when the entire point is that polyamory has the expectation of acceptance and honesty as it's just another natural variation in human sexuality/romantic feeling.

    Do you think it would help to find resources by other people who are inclined towards polyamory but are currently in monogamous relationships? There's an author called Joy Demorra who has spoken about this online as that's been her situation for some time.

  • Sadly, it is this presumption I know I am fighting against. What I am saying has nothing to do with sexual intimacy. It is about societal barriers being present in circumstances that become a public debate.

    Why can't you interact on all levels with whomever you want without having to label how a relationship is defined?

    Why does society project the rationale of either 'faithful' or 'potentially unfaithful'.

    Holding hands, spending time with or being able to hug anyone, isn't wrong. But if you are in a relationship, would be immediately questioned by others.

    Again, I think there a split between how this would be read between men and women

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