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Poly

JT

A friend sat me & my partner down about 10 years ago and told us she was polyamorous. She had a boyfriend and a second love interest at the time.

I'd never heard the term before and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on I realised this is how I felt as well. I have been fighting it off because I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship that I don't want to upset, but I also feel in some ways a little restricted by that. I love my partner and will stay 100% loyal to her as that is the loyal relationship we have.

I'm sure anyone reading this will immediately think 'you want to be physically intimate with another person'. This isn't my concern. My concern is surrounding the notion of freedom, actually to be more accurate, the palpable feeling of restraint or restriction that I feel single person relationships hold over individuals in society's unwritten 'Rulebook of Expectation'. You know the one, that everybody signed (accept, nobody has, they just go along with it without question??).

If it was a physical thing I could just go out and cheat and be a dishonest person. But I have no interest in breaking the love and trust of my partner. It is much more nuanced than that. It's the feeling of freedom to know and share love and care with whomever I feel it towards. I feel that deeply. This isn't about physical intimacy, this is about philosophical freedom.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way?

As I say I'd never heard that term before, but within my circle of family and friends I don't know anyone else that follows this way of thinking. It would definitely be frowned upon and seen as 'weird' or similar, and although I am growing into my unmasked unique self, the idea of being open about things like this that can so easily be mischaracterised and life changing in the most important relationships I know, is frightening to me

  • in reply to Caelus
    Caelus said:
    i cant do this jumping into relations like everyone else seems to do and then proclaim it as love, because that would be a betrayal of the feeling of love in my eyes and a light use of the term.

    Amen brother !  Are you autistic or something?

    I think I am a really loving and caring human, but to many, I just appear to be a callous door knob, if you will - simply because I'm not afraid to speak and write what I think is real. 

  • i dunno it kinda sounds like a high sex drive.

    if you just wanted to love more people you could still love them without having sex with them, kinda like how you must have loved your parents but certainly wouldnt have wanted sex with them lmao love isnt just sexual relationship, it can be with parents or with friends... and to be fair parental love is probably stronger given you spent longer time with parents than you have with total strangers.

    what i dont get is how to meet a new person and form a relationship with them that matches that love one feels to parents... is relationship love weak or a imaginary thing? or is it just lust and thats it? ....because im not feeling any love unless i perhaps get to know the person over many years and form a bond with them over years, i cant do this jumping into relations like everyone else seems to do and then proclaim it as love, because that would be a betrayal of the feeling of love in my eyes and a light use of the term. for me to love someone i have to spend alot of time and experiences with them and it has to really sink in over a long time. it might never even happen too.

  • in reply to JT

    Great to hear JT - and no less than I was suspecting.......like I say, it's me not you.....or else its the whole westernised world = probably most likely !!  Like you, I am just processing it all I guess.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    I hear you. These feelings aren't a new phenomenon, I'm only now realising what's always been there I guess.

    As I said, I'm not acting on them because they don't align with my existing 16 year long relationship which I'm very happy in. Just processing it all I guess

  • You are right to be suspicious of yourself and your feelings.  It is great that you can acknowledge that you are "growing into your unmasked unique self".....if you take that new being as a wholly new entity - then how old is it, in Dog years?  Are you merely a 13 year old - and if so, would you trust a 13 year old to make fundamental and lift changing decisions about a fully developed grown-up?

    As always JT - please accept this short ditty as merely me, trying to help you, with my own personal "from the hip" assessment of what you speak.  I'm freshly back from a sabbatical from this place.  I'm delicate.....fight or flight modes are on a hair trigger for me.

  • in reply to Steven

    Novelty? I find that ignores the emotions involved. I don't see any part of feelings being a novelty.

    But I do like your point about compromise. That's how I have quantified the feelings so far. It may well be that these feelings have to exist until if ever the current relationship ended. Only then could I be open and evoke change in this area personally.

    But even discussing that these feelings might be a novelty, sure that tells of the unspoken shackles we all unconsciously wear?

    I mean, why couldn't everyone love more than one person? Seems mad to me when you think about it

  • All credit to you - I think you've done your best to explain how you feel about all this. But, regardless of society's and our peers' written or unwritten rules, you've already made your choice...and that initial choice very likely did not have anything to do with such rules, fundamentally. While I don't believe you are insincere - based on a single post, admittedly - you must ask yourself, seriously: 'Am I using my genuine objections to these limits as an excuse for the thrill of novelty?' *Only you can know the authentic answer to that question* and discovering it might need some serious self-examination by you. Genuine loving relationships require compromises; the true test always is if we're happy to accept and offer such compromises.