Large groups of (strange) people

Thanks. I have explained that I do have issues with large groups of people. Yet, it doesn't seem to be that much of an issue if I go first time (as I did with one of the groups) and there's a large amount of people there. It just seems to be an issue if the group starts off small and then suddenly, there's a huge amount of people turning up.

I didn't feel as though I was forced to interact with anyone; so that's not the issue.

My friends alway ready know I have difficulties in these social areas, they can't understand that once I am close friend I can Jibber-jabber, but when around strangers I freeze up.  My friend would take off the edge of introductions, subject talk until I was comfortable enough to get involved. They are acting as a protector and a leg to hide behind. The problem would be that if the friend suddenly left me alone, I would freak out. The friend acts a constant, a bridge, guide and protector. I am not talking a rigid relationship more an understanding of how my Aspergers effects my socializing, I just get overwhelmed in a large setting and my friend helps organise it into small social chunks.

Possibly simpler to say "I don't know if you've noticed I'm not finding it easy to get to know people in the new larger group. I'm not good at this. Could you look out for me please, and let me know if I'm still handling things badly?"

Your friend probably does notice you are having difficulty. But friends make these allowances. It will be difficult for your friend to explain to others why they stick with you when you don't seem to be blending in. But that's the sort of thing friends do........apparently.......

You don't have to disclose your asperger's to achieve this. That might be putting a difficult burden on your friend, as Scorpion0x17 advises.

openheart said:

I may try this concept myself, but I must the tell the friend, they are the shield and constant in the environment, a bit like what a support worker does, except the friend is more free range.

Be careful with this, openheart.

Many people will not want to be 'chosen' in this way, and you may do nothing more than lose a friend.

It is better to ask a friend if they would become your 'guard', and be ready to accept their decision if they say no.

Do not force it upon them.

Longman good overview, enjoyed reading that, especially the humans are monkeys or it is monkeys are human, or is it human monkeys, oh thats it ! .. oo, oo !

You may have the answer in there, if you take the sub-group and reduce it to just you and one friend, the friend acts as a social shield by being more or less constant because you know the strains of them and therefore no surprises. The large group or sub-groups do not exist they become virtual people so to speak and you have a guard.

I may try this concept myself, but I must the tell the friend, they are the shield and constant in the environment, a bit like what a support worker does, except the friend is more free range.

I see a picture in my mind of a cell, dividing but growing by sub-cells, remember music is the body.

To explain this a bit further, in a larger group you cannot assume that the informality you've got used to in your sub-group will be accepted by the other sub-groups now joining yours.

You need to watch your friends carefully to see what they do differently when talking to the newcomers.

It is sometimes worth just being a byestander now and then, and watching to see how people interact. That will inform you how you might need to adjust.

It might be worth explaining this to the other members of the sub-group you are used to. Even if they don't know you have AS you could explain it say that you have difficulty getting to know strangers and could they help you settle in with the others in the larger group.

Sometimes you just need to say I need a little help.

Larger groups have more sub-groups. This is especially so if these sub-groups previously existed and continue to exist while only partly merging into the larger group - does that make sense?

The sub-groups will have their own sets of collective understandings - words and phrases they only use with each other, agreements about what to say and not to say about members of their group or relationships in the group, shared humour, including shared history of humour. A sub group might accept a joke at another's expense, but not if it came from someone in another sub-group.

What NTs have to do when groups merge into larger groups is "play by ear", work out what degree of informality one sub-group will allow an outsider, or someone from another sub-group. The sub groups will continue to exist on their own account, while sharing some aspects of socialisation with the whole group.

One could offer the analogy of two groups (extended families) of monkeys coming together to work jointly to secure food resources. The top monkeys will try to enforce themselves on the newcomer group as well as their own, and try to eliminate competition. There will be some changes and mergings, but the sub-groups will retain some of their original identity. Maybe I'm just making it worse, but thinking of monkeys, anthropologically, often explains humans.

Back to the human population. What happens to the person with aspergers? Well they don't usually understand the codes of their own sub-group, but their sub-group may be making allowances.

The newly arrived sub-groups will not understand the person with aspergers, and will wonder why the sub-group with the aspie is making allowances for someone who isn't adjusting to the new situation well.

At the same time the sub-groups are merging into a larger group, and sharing some socialisation and social codes. Therefore the other members of the aspie's sub-group are having to make compromises to fit in with the larger group.

The trouble is, for the aspie, all this relationship re-assignment will be meaningless. They want things to stay the same in their sub group, and for the new arrivals to be equally accommodating.

AS people can learn to look for and read the "social codes" but it is a slower process, and when the dynamics are changing and realigning within a larger group, that's really hard for the aspie.

To refer that back to you, the dynamics of a larger social group involve re-adjustments. You wont be able to make the adjustments as quickly and you are likely to feel left out - until perhaps the larger group comes round to accepting and accommodating your difference.

I hope that makes sense - I've had a bit of trouble seeing through my own argument - so it may not be as clear as I had hoped.

I do envy you going into pubs and chatting to a few friends without being affected by the background. Where there is complex sound and movement I rapidly lose coherence of what I hear and even what I say. I just have to nod most of the time and guess the way the conversation is going because most of it becomes unintelligible. I can improve things by sitting or standing by a wall, so the conflicting sounds only come from one direction, but that means moving to the edge of a gathering, which is seen as anti-social, and not many "friends" will play along as it takes them out of the core action.