Deleted because I feel its unfair on the other people who's event it is. Pull my socks up and stop moping.
Deleted because I feel its unfair on the other people who's event it is. Pull my socks up and stop moping.
10 minutes and have quiet time.
I find I use the toilet to hide! When I was in my early teens, my parents would force me to go to classmates' parties (on the grounds that, if I was asked, it would be rude to refuse) and I would hide in the toilets, not knowing why I hated it and was desperate to leave. Of course, now I know the reason.
If I had a pound for every social event that I didn’t want to attend, I would be rich. My mood change will start weeks before the event, it would peak the week before with either becoming non verbal or instigating an argument. This went on for years, I didn’t know I am autistic. My wife often had to attend things on her own. Option B was I would drink so much alcohol , I could l shut down the anxiety, most probably the wrong way to express it but, I could stop being so autistic for a few hours, I don’t recommend it, it doesn’t cure the miscommunication problems! Most people who matter know I’m autistic and will rescue me, my wife doesn’t pressure me anymore, she now really gets how much it affects me, it’s one less thing that I beat myself up for now. Limit the time at an event, I use excuses if I do attend, “ just need to get something from the car,” escape for 10 minutes and have quiet time.
Often I've seen people say after diagnosis and beginning to unmask they don't know who they actually are. I've never felt this. But I actually feel now this realisation is starting to come.
I think I'm at that stage too. Personality develops in our younger years and as we age the brain becomes less malleable and adaptable. That's why it's so important that autistic people are diagnosed as early as possible.
This is the particular video I was thinking of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFCaoFX-pjg
This is why when ive read people say to "mask less" or "now I'm unmasking" I feel conflicted. Because it IS actually part of who I am. And to some extent always will be. As long as I'm around people. But to reduce it where I can....I think sometimes people wouldn't even notice a difference. I'll have a look at Rose thanks. Often I've seen people say after diagnosis and beginning to unmask they don't know who they actually are. I've never felt this. But I actually feel now this realisation is starting to come. Because it isn't just social situations where masking occurs, but life choices.
just feel that *being autistic* isn't enough of a good enough reason bevause people inherently DON'T understand it unless you are stereotypical autistic which I very much am not. Even then they might not do.
People don't understand. I think you need to be autistic in order to begin to understand.
They also people please and mask but I feel they haven't had a lifetime of autistic masking.
And after a lifetime of pushing through, which has in the end probably contributed to the ill health, I still don't feel able to say no when I want to.
It's easy to say mask less but less easy to do that in practice. The Kieran Rose videos posted here recently explain how our masking behaviour starts so early that it becomes automatic. If you have become a people pleaser who doesn't feel able to say no then that is going to a be tough mask to shed.
The other side effect I've noticed is that trying to mask less makes me more self conscious and vulnerable and therefore more anxious. Trying to bare the true self when it has been masked for so long is difficult and daunting.
Yes I need people connection too. But most definitely has to be on my terms. Otherwise I end up like I have been today.
LOL I love your honesty! I could probably get away with that at work to be honest. But not with family! Ive tried to be dry in my humour before and people think im being serious. Of course allistic people get that feeling too. But I feel its prevalent / different / with different reason a,ongst the autists!
To be fair I'm regularly like:
"Sorry I'm late, but I didn't want to come."
Especially to meetings that really should have been an email.
I feel like that feeling is a lot more universal than people think it is.
Yes, it is a balancing act. For me at least maintaining connections is a part of being healthy too. I'm autistic and introverted, but not a total recluse. I need some social contact or I sink into loneliness and depression. It's an effort to find the healthy point, though. I'm lucky that my family do mostly make adjustments for me these days. And, yes, I don't give myself enough credit for the efforts I make either.
It's a balancing act isn't it. To maintain our health but still maintain connections. I think part of me this past year due to health has somewhat closed down but also diagnosis was only a couple of years ago and I wonder if part of the closing down is because of this. As well as health issues which have meant sometimes there has been no choice, or that I could use it to reduce activities.
I think we put a lot of effort in at these situations which goes completely unrecognised by others AND probably ourselves.
What I'm trying to do is still say yes but reduced capacity. I hope you find a line you can stay balanced on.
I've actually spoke with my partner about it just now. He says he's been able to tell all day what's up and knows why. So we have had a laugh about it which has lightened the load considerably!
I also struggle with this. My family understand to some extent, but probably not 100%. I was supposed to go to some family things over the last two days which I missed and then I have some more to go to over the next eight days (a lot of family stuff going on right now!). I was worried about all of this. In the event I made a genuine effort to go to the thing Friday and yesterday, but when I was prevented by outside events, I was secretly pleased, then felt guilty. I hope I'm OK with the stuff coming up. I definitely feel obligated to "push through" stuff, but suffer from it afterwards. It's hard to find the balancing point though, and I don't want to totally cut off my family and friends just because I'm autistic even if I have done so in the past, to some extent.
Thank you. That's partly why I wanted to share. Not for reassurance but so we can see there are people who are similar. And also because it doesn't matter how much people close to me "get it" there are still elements that they don't. And it's only other autistic people who really get it!
I worry about oversharing too. But what’s the harm here? Your identity is secret, your social event unnamed, individual participants will never know that this was them. And if they did, it would educate them. Personally I feel less alone for what you’ve said so you’ve shared exactly the right amount from my perspective.
I just feel other people are able to advocate for themselves. I mean probably allistic people. They also people please and mask but I feel they haven't had a lifetime of autistic masking. I just feel a lot of other people, if they were *ill* etc would say they weren't going. I can hide behind the health matter. I just feel that *being autistic* isn't enough of a good enough reason bevause people inherently DON'T understand it unless you are stereotypical autistic which I very much am not. Even then they might not do.
And after a lifetime of pushing through, which has in the end probably contributed to the ill health, I still don't feel able to say no when I want to. There's an element of that I feel accepted and don't want to jeopardise that. Also that other people only have so much patience. Also that other people do a lot to help me so I need to do a bit in return.
Now I am oversharing!
I agree but I feel I over share on here. I'm conscious it's a public forum. I wish there was something where we could post private group messages. I was on discord but left.
I know I'm harsh on myself. Its another hard habit to break. Chipping away at that one.
Thank you for taking the time to reply
Your original post was a true reflection of how an upcoming social event was making you feel. Something that many of us can relate to and you should not feel guilty for posting it.
Pull my socks up and stop moping.
You are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself.
Good luck. I hope the event goes well.
It'll probably be a bit more than that but I'm hoping I can use other health matters to make a swift exit. It's hard to mask less but I'm gradually learning how to do so. I also think if I can keep myself distracted this afternoon it'll stop me stewing
People = uncertainty and attention.
More people = more uncertainty and different strands of attention.
I can relate, and I’m sorry it’s ruining your day. Two hours sounds just short enough to hopefully weather the moment and then get some of your day back on the other side, even if just to decompress and recuperate. Masking less sounds good.
Thank you for replying.
Not really and I wouldn't want to let people down as I've already ducked out of other things. I also feel like I haven't had any choice in the matter. Which isn't true, we always have a choice. But it feels expected. It's hard to get out of habits and ways of being you've known for so long. So I'm putting my strategies into place.
