Deleted because I feel its unfair on the other people who's event it is. Pull my socks up and stop moping.
Deleted because I feel its unfair on the other people who's event it is. Pull my socks up and stop moping.
Your original post was a true reflection of how an upcoming social event was making you feel. Something that many of us can relate to and you should not feel guilty for posting it.
Pull my socks up and stop moping.
You are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself.
Good luck. I hope the event goes well.
I agree but I feel I over share on here. I'm conscious it's a public forum. I wish there was something where we could post private group messages. I was on discord but left.
I know I'm harsh on myself. Its another hard habit to break. Chipping away at that one.
Thank you for taking the time to reply
I just feel other people are able to advocate for themselves. I mean probably allistic people. They also people please and mask but I feel they haven't had a lifetime of autistic masking. I just feel a lot of other people, if they were *ill* etc would say they weren't going. I can hide behind the health matter. I just feel that *being autistic* isn't enough of a good enough reason bevause people inherently DON'T understand it unless you are stereotypical autistic which I very much am not. Even then they might not do.
And after a lifetime of pushing through, which has in the end probably contributed to the ill health, I still don't feel able to say no when I want to. There's an element of that I feel accepted and don't want to jeopardise that. Also that other people only have so much patience. Also that other people do a lot to help me so I need to do a bit in return.
Now I am oversharing!
I watched the video. Really thank you for sharing I've never seen Kieran Rose before. It was really good and validating although i dont like using that word for some reason. . It sort of linked into realisations I've been having the past few days. Things are dawning on me big time and this video is confirming that. Although it is only the perspective of one person, i can see he knows his stuff. Taking what hes talked about...I think as long as there are the societal expectations of how men and women should behave or what he calls the golden standard of normal, then we are always going to end up masking to a certain extent.
I still believe we have a degree of flexibility (plasticity) as we get older. But yes our habits become engrained early on. I wonder how much is to do with our automatic default mode network. I find I can't mask the same if ive taken certain....*plant medicines*
Often I've seen people say after diagnosis and beginning to unmask they don't know who they actually are. I've never felt this. But I actually feel now this realisation is starting to come.
I think I'm at that stage too. Personality develops in our younger years and as we age the brain becomes less malleable and adaptable. That's why it's so important that autistic people are diagnosed as early as possible.
This is the particular video I was thinking of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFCaoFX-pjg
This is why when ive read people say to "mask less" or "now I'm unmasking" I feel conflicted. Because it IS actually part of who I am. And to some extent always will be. As long as I'm around people. But to reduce it where I can....I think sometimes people wouldn't even notice a difference. I'll have a look at Rose thanks. Often I've seen people say after diagnosis and beginning to unmask they don't know who they actually are. I've never felt this. But I actually feel now this realisation is starting to come. Because it isn't just social situations where masking occurs, but life choices.
just feel that *being autistic* isn't enough of a good enough reason bevause people inherently DON'T understand it unless you are stereotypical autistic which I very much am not. Even then they might not do.
People don't understand. I think you need to be autistic in order to begin to understand.
They also people please and mask but I feel they haven't had a lifetime of autistic masking.
And after a lifetime of pushing through, which has in the end probably contributed to the ill health, I still don't feel able to say no when I want to.
It's easy to say mask less but less easy to do that in practice. The Kieran Rose videos posted here recently explain how our masking behaviour starts so early that it becomes automatic. If you have become a people pleaser who doesn't feel able to say no then that is going to a be tough mask to shed.
The other side effect I've noticed is that trying to mask less makes me more self conscious and vulnerable and therefore more anxious. Trying to bare the true self when it has been masked for so long is difficult and daunting.
Yes I need people connection too. But most definitely has to be on my terms. Otherwise I end up like I have been today.
Yes, it is a balancing act. For me at least maintaining connections is a part of being healthy too. I'm autistic and introverted, but not a total recluse. I need some social contact or I sink into loneliness and depression. It's an effort to find the healthy point, though. I'm lucky that my family do mostly make adjustments for me these days. And, yes, I don't give myself enough credit for the efforts I make either.
It's a balancing act isn't it. To maintain our health but still maintain connections. I think part of me this past year due to health has somewhat closed down but also diagnosis was only a couple of years ago and I wonder if part of the closing down is because of this. As well as health issues which have meant sometimes there has been no choice, or that I could use it to reduce activities.
I think we put a lot of effort in at these situations which goes completely unrecognised by others AND probably ourselves.
What I'm trying to do is still say yes but reduced capacity. I hope you find a line you can stay balanced on.
I've actually spoke with my partner about it just now. He says he's been able to tell all day what's up and knows why. So we have had a laugh about it which has lightened the load considerably!
I also struggle with this. My family understand to some extent, but probably not 100%. I was supposed to go to some family things over the last two days which I missed and then I have some more to go to over the next eight days (a lot of family stuff going on right now!). I was worried about all of this. In the event I made a genuine effort to go to the thing Friday and yesterday, but when I was prevented by outside events, I was secretly pleased, then felt guilty. I hope I'm OK with the stuff coming up. I definitely feel obligated to "push through" stuff, but suffer from it afterwards. It's hard to find the balancing point though, and I don't want to totally cut off my family and friends just because I'm autistic even if I have done so in the past, to some extent.
Thank you. That's partly why I wanted to share. Not for reassurance but so we can see there are people who are similar. And also because it doesn't matter how much people close to me "get it" there are still elements that they don't. And it's only other autistic people who really get it!
I worry about oversharing too. But what’s the harm here? Your identity is secret, your social event unnamed, individual participants will never know that this was them. And if they did, it would educate them. Personally I feel less alone for what you’ve said so you’ve shared exactly the right amount from my perspective.
I worry about oversharing too. But what’s the harm here? Your identity is secret, your social event unnamed, individual participants will never know that this was them. And if they did, it would educate them. Personally I feel less alone for what you’ve said so you’ve shared exactly the right amount from my perspective.
Thank you. That's partly why I wanted to share. Not for reassurance but so we can see there are people who are similar. And also because it doesn't matter how much people close to me "get it" there are still elements that they don't. And it's only other autistic people who really get it!