Creative work

I have a really strong desire to be a writer and do all sorts of other creative things as well, but I think my perspective on "externally imposed routines vs doing what you enjoy" is a bit more complicated. I've had a keen interest in film and filmmaking since I was a kid, and I chose to pursue it academically all the way to a postgraduate level because I wanted to study something that I would enjoy. In practice, however, I struggled immensely with the same pressures I'd always had in education - keeping up with the workload each week and handing in coursework on time.

I think from a young age I developed a very perfectionist, people-pleasing mindset as a response to the demands of school work. I felt absolutely devastated every time I received disapproval from a teacher, so I quickly learnt to prioritise my academic performance over my own wellbeing. When the option to study something I had an interest in (i.e. film) became available, I thought that would solve my problems - but while there was so much that I enjoyed about studying film, because it was in broadly the same educational environment those problems never really went away. Even at uni, where in theory I had more agency as an adult and more of a peer relationship with my tutors, I maintained the same attitude I had towards my teachers at school - feeling rewarded by praise for my work, but by the same token dreading the possibility of disappointing them, and contorting myself into inhuman shapes in a desperate attempt to avoid this.

I finally reached the point, in the middle of writing/producing/directing/editing my MA dissertation short film during the Covid pandemic, where I got so overwhelmed with stress that I had to take a break from my studies. I managed to complete the film to a high standard when I returned to it, and graduated with a Distinction, which I'm very happy with. However, although I've had ideas for loads of different creative projects since then, I've found it almost impossible to commit myself to any of them without being more or less forced to by something external like a deadline. I've internalised this mentality of constantly having to meet other people's expectations (real or perceived) that I don't know how to function without it - I don't know how to do anything under my own steam. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be doing a boring 9-to-5 job because then at least I'd be doing something, even something I'd hate, rather than failing to do my own thing and remaining inert.

I have a really strong desire to be a writer and do all sorts of other creative things as well, but I think my perspective on "externally imposed routines vs doing what you enjoy" is a bit more complicated. I've had a keen interest in film and filmmaking since I was a kid, and I chose to pursue it academically all the way to a postgraduate level because I wanted to study something that I would enjoy. In practice, however, I struggled immensely with the same pressures I'd always had in education - keeping up with the workload each week and handing in coursework on time.

I think from a young age I developed a very perfectionist, people-pleasing mindset as a response to the demands of school work. I felt absolutely devastated every time I received disapproval from a teacher, so I quickly learnt to prioritise my academic performance over my own wellbeing. When the option to study something I had an interest in (i.e. film) became available, I thought that would solve my problems - but while there was so much that I enjoyed about studying film, because it was in broadly the same educational environment those problems never really went away. Even at uni, where in theory I had more agency as an adult and more of a peer relationship with my tutors, I maintained the same attitude I had towards my teachers at school - feeling rewarded by praise for my work, but by the same token dreading the possibility of disappointing them, and contorting myself into inhuman shapes in a desperate attempt to avoid this.

I finally reached the point, in the middle of writing/producing/directing/editing my MA dissertation short film during the Covid pandemic, where I got so overwhelmed with stress that I had to take a break from my studies. I managed to complete the film to a high standard when I returned to it, and graduated with a Distinction, which I'm very happy with. However, although I've had ideas for loads of different creative projects since then, I've found it almost impossible to commit myself to any of them without being more or less forced to by something external like a deadline. I've internalised this mentality of constantly having to meet other people's expectations (real or perceived) that I don't know how to function without it - I don't know how to do anything under my own steam. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be doing a boring 9-to-5 job because then at least I'd be doing something, even something I'd hate, rather than failing to do my own thing and remaining inert.