venting / any advice would be v welcome struggling to cope with it all

i was transfered hospital monday and ive been under so much since then im sleep deprivied i feel ill im in tears all day im burnt out from stress im losing my voice im exhausted from dealing with all the stress im desperate for help i need help i asked for help from the staff about 12:30 tonight they said i need to wait i sat for idk 45m on the floor crying my eyes out shaking from stress i could hear the staff here walking past me not asking if im ok or can they help me im alone to deal with everything here its so isolating i feel so alone im desperate for some compassion and some help to relieve my stress load and i just cant take it anymore it hurts so much to think of my old ward bed managment took me from i had so much help there and it was torn away the positive relasionships i built up the compassion from staff the mdt listening to your needs and helping you make things better i miss it so much i feel like im grieving for that feeling again i just cant take it any more im depserate for help i phoned the police to ask them to arrest me or just take me away from here the policeman said he will phone the staff and ask them whats going on and if he isnt satisfied with the response he will take it futher. i was in my room during the phone call and 5m later or so both nurses came to my door i begged for help from them in tears and they interrupted me to order me to listen to them they said he has had a call from the police and ive phone a few times now asking for help and he said if i phone them one more time they will take my phone away they will take everything else away from me and i will get an injection i said ok i get it can i just have some help please im begging you and he said no you're not getting any help and kept shouting at me to stop this and they walked off i tried to phone my old ward to speak to someone they said i need to speak to the staff here i tried to explain and begged them just for a couple of minutes of their time and they hung up on me ive phone samaratins and i feel better afterwards but very shortly after im having a breakdown again i need some help im desperate each time i try no matter what from small things like knocking on the office asking for help staff just stare at me and continue to stare and i get frustrated as its been like this since i been here and i start banging the door and crying im under so much stress they tell me to calm down and ignore me again when the stress gets too much to bare ive cried out loud and punched the wall earlier im shaking and crying from the stress i'm irritable i feel brittle they say if i dont calm down i will be getting an injection i said i just need help please and they just tell me to calm down and walk away and extreme measures like phoning the police begging for them to intervene my brain is literally breaking with the stress i cant do this anymore ive been through rough times my whole life ive was put into care age 10 from a bad home life ive been moved 34 times around the countries care system ripping me away from wherever i try to a home ive been physcially sexually emotionally abused from staff in different units over the years locked into seclusions restrained my whole life with no voice to make it stop im very sensitive to feeling isolated and over estimating threat and im breaking this time its too much for me ive been thinking about a way to get myself sent to a&e just to beg for help there but i dont think i can hurt myself to do that it'll make it worse for me when i get back and im scared i'll get into trouble i'm scared of making it worse i feel so isolated and im under too much stress that i cant cope with i feel brittle like glass the smallest thing tips me over the edge right now i just want this to stop it feels like some warped dream i feel like reality isnt real anymore it doesnt feel real i feel my mind seperating itself i dont feel anything is real anymore i was doing so well on my last ward and in 4 days ive gotton to this state it doesnt feel real my old ward feels like it happened years ago ive had an episode of psychosis for 2 days when i was under an extreme amount of stress years ago and undergoing trauma and im scared its leading up to this i dont even have any diagnosed mental illness my primary diagnosis is autism co-morbid complex ptsd i feel like im starting to lose my mind i cant sleep because of the noise here i have very sensitive hearing and hypervigilence the office door slamming shut constanley is stopping me falling asleep i wear ear plugs for bed ive even took some meds for sleep and i still cant sleep i dont think the lack of sleep is helping at all its not just the noise stopping me falling sleep my heart feels like its breaking when i start crying in bed i cant distract myself to relax and fall asleep it doesnt feel real the hospital im at is under special measures by cqc for serious improvements to be made i make daily phonecalls to add to their log my social worker cant offer help as its out his hands as im in hospital and he deals with council matters like community placements it still doesnt feel real though my last ward was also in special measures and it was nothing like this i just tried phoning my local mental health crisis team and she interrupted me to ask what hospital im at my name my ward and i panicked i was going to get my phone taken from me her voice didnt sound real i said can i just tell you whats going on i need some help and she said what kind of hell do you need but it was monotone it didnt sound like a real person it sounded like a trap set up to get my phone taken away i couldnt trust her i actually feel better since its starting to not feel real i know im under loads of stress and its making me feel like this isnt real but my mind feels like its in that half sleep stage where you just fall asleep between dreaming and awake i can rationalise its stress causing it but it also doesnt feel real i feel stoned like im high i dont feel as stressed as much i was waiting for a call back from the mental health crisis line and felt things started to not feel real and speaking to her and hearing her monotone robot voice with no emotion behind it makes it not real her voice wasnt real i dont think she was a real person she was a trap to catch me out i feel high

i was crying at the office door between day shift and night shift begging for someone to help me and it was getting crowded i was getting sensory overload i was getting stressed maybe it went on for about 20m or so and i saw the ward manager and charge nurse in there i banged on the window in asking for them to see me they ignored me i was getting frustrated and overwhelmed i was shaking i punched he wall and charge nurse said i need to stop that i need to calm down i asked for help he just stared at me i was getting more wound up and screamed and walked to my room i pressed my nurse call waited in my doorway for like idk 30m or so shaking crying like howling the night nurse came to me he told me to stop pressing my nurse call i asked him for help he interrupted me to say the ward manager handed it over to inject me i said i just want to talk to someone and he got angry at me and said he will inject me if i carry on. the ward manager earlier today saw me for the first time and i made a list waiting for her with questions and requests ect and asked for my phone charger in my room and she said no because of my behaviour since ive been here i said thats stress ive been asking for help she said i can control these outbursts if i want im choosing to act this way i lost my *** with her and called her a *** and told her to *** off im done with them all here theyre like robots all repeating the same calm down or u will get an injection its all ive heard since ive been here i have a dx of pathological demand avoidance as well and thats why i have these outbursts because i have no fucking control over anything its all forced on me everything and i also have adhd and its hard to control my impulses and not get tunnel vision and tolerate distress i called my old ward manager because he promised he will handover all my care plans and make sure everyone understands me he said to me firmly i need to contact an advocate and its out his hands now hes done his part i just wanted to talk to a familiar voice and was crying telling him about things here and he hung up i was so stable on my old ward i miss it so bad the old ward manager was a learning disability nurse so he knew what autism is like and the old doctor the nice one his speciality was autism adhd and ocd so it was pretty good for me there the psychologist was amazing the OT a lot of the ward staff i felt really close to and they knew how to help me without having to explain myself im mourning the loss of that place so bad i feel like it was years ago i dont even think this is real here

the doctor from my last place said from the first week i shouldnt be in hospital i need to be moved into an appropiate placement in the community he said in my report all i need is an autism friendly approach my social worker for the past year and a half has been looking for somewhere for me to live so i can leave hospital and hes said hes exhausted all options over 140 places have been asked over the country and nowhere will accept me bc i have complex care needs they cant meet hospitals are just dumping grounds at this point. ive had tribunals they agree i shouldnt be in hospital as it clearly affects me badly and isnt helping me but they need somewhere for me to be discharged to. i feel so hopeless it could be another year or more before i can leave this place ive been making plans to end it ive reaserched methods but im not confident it will be 100% effective and i dont want to risk it failing i feel stuck ive spent 8 and a half years on section in hospital the past 10 years im so done with it i never used to be in mental health services i was always in learning disability catogry bc autism falls under that but i was sectioned for anorexia extremley low body weight 2013 trying to go for a passive suicide as i couldnt bring myself to do it and now mental health services wont leave me alone theyve done nothing but harm not help a couple of years back i read uk are looking into bringing the option of euthanasia here but i bet uk being the way it is wont approve for mental health reasons i feel like a criminal for being born the way i was

i been to every kind of place going in this country including speciest units and bespoke care packages even a over 65yo dementia ward for 6 weeks, i was took out the eating disorder unit be ause of my outbursts patients were threatening to beat me up they moved me down the road to the over 65yo dementia ward for 6 weeks i was 2:1 obs not allowed to leave my room they were always agency with no knowledge on me just provoking me leading to a restraint an tranc injections then transferee to low secure ended up staying there for 6yrs 8months till a place,ent to be discharged to was found was locked in seclusion for 6 months there for my autism outbursts on the ward, they would leave me locked in that cell for hours when i was screaming crying headbanging wanting this to end and not offer any verbal de-esculation i heard a group of voices from people in the staff area i had my back turned i was hoping they would unlock the door and come in to offer some support and i heard the bolts being opened and i turned around and about 8 members of staff came in all wearing medical gloves arms outstretched sliently walking toward me they picked me up laid me over the bed pulled down my pants and gave me an injection and walked back out no words were said i wasnt even crying and i heard the 4 bolts go back on one time in there i blocked my airways with toilet roll so they would un bolt the door after they removed the blockage with forceps i ran out into the staff area and wrapped myself around a staff members legs i liked and begged her to hug me hug me and she didnt respond they removed me and placed me back in and bolted the door again and i was told the next day its 5 days no door opened at all for posing a risk to staff, it was dehumanising in there i was told to sit at the back of the cell crossed legged with arms folded behind my back if they needed to unlock the door to drop me food or meds if i moved an inch they bolt the door shut asap, i was having an outburst one day and the nurse said to bolt the door back up and out of desperation i stuck my arms and legs in the way they pressed their alarm and a team came all big males from the male wards like of them to assist bolting the door and i was grabbed and dragged to the back of the cell i kept trying to wiggle free and block the door again and again and the staff just kept shouting to each other grab her leg ok now quick bolt the door nobody was talking to me though i was even in a psych wing of prison for 6 weeks bc i was forced to move somehere i didnt wanna go to and throw a vase at the managers head to get myself arrested and not be forced to live there and got told i could go back if i say sorry and i said im refusing to live there so they moved me to prison for a 4 week sentance so my social worker had time to find me somewhere else and i didnt have to pay them a fine bc i did time instead i liked prison it was structuerd predictable limited choice it was so easy i was on psych wing tho so i was with vunerable people only like 8 of us so it wasnt bad like prisons can be i get kicked out of everywhere 34 units now i got told out the blue i was moving because bed managment said my okd ward was too restrictive because i was doing so well there the nurse and ward manager just opened my door with two strangers behind them i panicked straight away i knew it was bad i locked my door i was shacking and crying i told no no no no and came in and told me secure transport are here to take me away some place else that ward felt like home to me i was so distressed begged them to phone bed managment and let me stay they said they already tried i tried phoning myself they told me patients cant ring them and tried to talk to them anything to make this not happen after about an hour ward manager came to say hes delayed it and it will get looked into next week and told myself the doctor wont let this happen he knows my best interests and monday morning staff member and nurse cane to my door and said i was going that morning and i tried to lock my door i was panicking and they put their foot in the way and said its happening and i need to pack or its hands on i was pacing and crying phoned cqc phoned my social worker begging them to stop this ive been torn away from a place that feels like a home like this 30 odd times now i cant do it anymore im drained from it.  nice doctor delayed ward round just to see me before i left he said its out his hands but reassuered me it'll be ok there he will tell them wverything about me and it will be ok. my old place i liked was a picu ward so thats why they said its too restrictive after so long there and to move me to an acute but after 28hrs on the acute they transffered me to the picu here as i was struggling to cope with how the staff were treating me there i was threatned with IMs there as well and neglected and stressed out with no support i was banging my door and screaming bc i was distressed and they crowded me and shouted at me im going to get injection i freeze when theh say that i cant stand it happenjng they walked away when i stopped and i tried my best to cope and i kept getting ovwrwheled again and again and started banging and screaming again

i had an idea of dropping weight as fast as i can till my bmi gets too low for the ward to manage me to get out of hear but restrains ng feeds were traumatic in the past eating disorder units are awful for autism i have issues with food anyway idk  i think i could drop enough in like 4 or 5 weeks for low bmi to get out of this hell hole it cant be worse than here nothing can i just need to get out this place as soon as i can ive pretty much been pacing screaming jumping up and down crying hardly any sleep constant black coffee no water very little food since i got here i feel ive lost 2kg or so already since monday i just feel like im running out of options

ive been awake all night and an hour going by feels like only a minute ive never felt like this like a massive weight has been lifted from me i feel no more stress i feel im stuck in a dream i feel like nothing i do now is real i could walk straight through a wall and wouldnt question it right now i dont think the people here are even real its like im in a movie and nothing is even real i dont feel real