Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello! New here, and newly diagnosed. I feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster with the diagnosis. One minute fine; "well duh, it's obvious I'm autistic", the next just kinda sad or frustrated at things that have happened in the past that might have been different if I'd known.
One such thing is my career. I feel like I chose it in a very autistic way. It was strategic and made sense because I could see a neat row of dots which I could connect together to do "the right thing" for my family.. But I'd also dropped out of school at 12, so I had to complete five years of study to actually get to the job I had decided I was going to do. I hated every minute of my studies. Up to that point in my life I had always quit everything, and unfortunately for present-day-me this was the moment I decided I was going to change my ways. Eight years later, I am miserable.
In the last two years alone I've taken three extended periods of time off sick due to "mental health difficulties". I realise now it was likely burn out each time. I hit an all time low yesterday and nearly quit on the spot. I literally did no work all day, instead just talking myself down from acting impulsively. Today I have logged myself as absent and have already decided I won't work again this year. I have realised I need to change my job, and I need a bit of mental space to think about it. So I'm taking it.
I guess what I'm really curious to know is, is this... common? Or maybe just what are you experiences of the working world as autistic adults? How did you select your career path? Do you love your job? Did you get it "right" first time? If not, how did you go about switching? Is it possible that I'm always going to go through burnout cycles because finding jobs that carry any level of satisfaction is actually pretty unlikely? I do kind of feel like I'm just going to be miserable for the rest of my life no matter how hard or long I work to try and make things better.
This is a really interesting one to bring up, thanks for doing so. And I'm sorry you're feeling as you are, understandable as it it. I consider myself one of the lucky ones - I found something so niche and so 'me' (that I hope to be a lifer in, if possible) that I know it's within a very narrow band of things I could do full-time without a total breakdown or regular severe burnouts. It's a specialism within library work, though I started out with more general library duties which worked well too. I'll never be rich but I don't want to be. Even then, I still have to be careful not to get too dysregulated as my focus can go very easily if I'm ruminating, triggered, anxious about departmental change, etc. I'll say more later, as I don't have enough time right now, but I hope you can hang in there, and find something just right for you. I have several colleagues who came out of higher-pressure careers (teaching, the law, one or two psychologists) - in some cases taking a massive pay cut- as they could see the iceberg and needed a better respite/fulfillment balance. Burnout is no joke, and I hope that the rest of the month gives you a chance for some proper self-care and to formulate some thoughts around what might work best in future.