Parent of an adult with autism

We are in a similar position to yourselves (see my posts under the parents and carers section) and unfortuately still struggling.  However, in addition to the excellent responses above, I am wondering about the possiblity of drilling down into the reasons why his current job is a better match for him.  Yes, it may all be down to working with or for another neurodivergent person who perhaps tacitly understands or feels like a kindred spirit, but other factors might also be rolled up in there too - as mentioned above, it may be that a job away from direct, immediate contact with customers suits better, or maybe within an outdoors, more natural environment, or maybe that it's more physical so takes his mind away from other issues, albeit only temporarily.  Or it might be linked in some way to his former interests or hobbies, with which I would also recommend some drilling down - what were the precise aspects that appealed, what was going on in his life when they were dropped, were these all genuine interests or did they feel in some way imposed or expected (again remember that possibility of a PDA profile), can the genuine ones be in some way reignited (again remembering that, especially with PDA, you can only foster the conditions and that even a recommendation or attempt to persuade might have the oppostie effect to what's intended).

Its difficult, I know, especially if he doesn't want to talk about it, but my experience has been that the more I push or even just hint or mention things, the more my son retreats or withdraws.  I suspect that's because he needs a high degree of autonomy, particularly as the transistion into adulthood was so problematic and the masking which developed over a very long period has been very damaging and left him feeling unsafe and unable to cope with it all apart from absolute rejection of expectations plus all the "conditions of worth" that were put on to him (by ourselves, nursery staff, teachers and other educators, GPs and other health professionals, particularly those working in mental health services.  The reaction, we now believe, is proportionate to the experience.  And the experience was one of trauma and invalidation.  It might not follow the same pattern with your son, of course, but he maybe needs a very long recovery time and you are providing a safe environment in which this can take place.  

And coming to that safe environment, I would also suggest thinking about your son's sensory profile and, based on your family experience and knowledge (which might not necessarily be in line with professional advice or observations you're received in the past) and anything he's shared with you, again probably harking back to past conversations with your son if he's not able to be more open about it now.

I would also consider the possibility of what may be situational mutism (aka selective mutism, although many members of the autistic community would point out that it's often NOT a conscious or deliberate choice, it's an automatic response and linked to extreme anxiety in many cases), plus the drivers behind that.  In the Aucademy online socials, there's a young man who often only appears behind an avatar and only communicates via the chat to the side of screen.  That feels safer for him, less anxiety provoking and more encouraging.  Again, your son might not have the same profile but it might be worth some consideration.

The other thing - does he have, or has he had, any contact with the autistic community?  It strikes me that he could do with more kindred spirits in his life.  I'm not, of course, suggesting that he shares none of this with the family (indeed autistic people will very often find that there are quite a lot of other autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people in their families), but it may be that he needs to feel more accepted and validated in the world, and some of this might come from contact and connection with others outside the family, even if this can only, especially at first, be in very small and tentative ways.  

Here we are simply trying to maintain a calm, steady environment that conveys the acceptance our son obviously wasn't feeling out there in the world.  Low arousal, low demand, low stress.  I wish there were more out there in terms of specific advice and guidance for parents to adults who, often for quite understandable reasons, have stopped engaging with services themselves.  To be honest we could do with a whole book on the subject as it's conspicuous by its absence.  But in the meantime we're picking through resources from autistic-led sources and hoping to piece things together.  Clearly we'd love to see more and any NAS info on this thorny and pervasive issue would be most welcome.            

We are in a similar position to yourselves (see my posts under the parents and carers section) and unfortuately still struggling.  However, in addition to the excellent responses above, I am wondering about the possiblity of drilling down into the reasons why his current job is a better match for him.  Yes, it may all be down to working with or for another neurodivergent person who perhaps tacitly understands or feels like a kindred spirit, but other factors might also be rolled up in there too - as mentioned above, it may be that a job away from direct, immediate contact with customers suits better, or maybe within an outdoors, more natural environment, or maybe that it's more physical so takes his mind away from other issues, albeit only temporarily.  Or it might be linked in some way to his former interests or hobbies, with which I would also recommend some drilling down - what were the precise aspects that appealed, what was going on in his life when they were dropped, were these all genuine interests or did they feel in some way imposed or expected (again remember that possibility of a PDA profile), can the genuine ones be in some way reignited (again remembering that, especially with PDA, you can only foster the conditions and that even a recommendation or attempt to persuade might have the oppostie effect to what's intended).

Its difficult, I know, especially if he doesn't want to talk about it, but my experience has been that the more I push or even just hint or mention things, the more my son retreats or withdraws.  I suspect that's because he needs a high degree of autonomy, particularly as the transistion into adulthood was so problematic and the masking which developed over a very long period has been very damaging and left him feeling unsafe and unable to cope with it all apart from absolute rejection of expectations plus all the "conditions of worth" that were put on to him (by ourselves, nursery staff, teachers and other educators, GPs and other health professionals, particularly those working in mental health services.  The reaction, we now believe, is proportionate to the experience.  And the experience was one of trauma and invalidation.  It might not follow the same pattern with your son, of course, but he maybe needs a very long recovery time and you are providing a safe environment in which this can take place.  

And coming to that safe environment, I would also suggest thinking about your son's sensory profile and, based on your family experience and knowledge (which might not necessarily be in line with professional advice or observations you're received in the past) and anything he's shared with you, again probably harking back to past conversations with your son if he's not able to be more open about it now.

I would also consider the possibility of what may be situational mutism (aka selective mutism, although many members of the autistic community would point out that it's often NOT a conscious or deliberate choice, it's an automatic response and linked to extreme anxiety in many cases), plus the drivers behind that.  In the Aucademy online socials, there's a young man who often only appears behind an avatar and only communicates via the chat to the side of screen.  That feels safer for him, less anxiety provoking and more encouraging.  Again, your son might not have the same profile but it might be worth some consideration.

The other thing - does he have, or has he had, any contact with the autistic community?  It strikes me that he could do with more kindred spirits in his life.  I'm not, of course, suggesting that he shares none of this with the family (indeed autistic people will very often find that there are quite a lot of other autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people in their families), but it may be that he needs to feel more accepted and validated in the world, and some of this might come from contact and connection with others outside the family, even if this can only, especially at first, be in very small and tentative ways.  

Here we are simply trying to maintain a calm, steady environment that conveys the acceptance our son obviously wasn't feeling out there in the world.  Low arousal, low demand, low stress.  I wish there were more out there in terms of specific advice and guidance for parents to adults who, often for quite understandable reasons, have stopped engaging with services themselves.  To be honest we could do with a whole book on the subject as it's conspicuous by its absence.  But in the meantime we're picking through resources from autistic-led sources and hoping to piece things together.  Clearly we'd love to see more and any NAS info on this thorny and pervasive issue would be most welcome.            

Jenny - you really are really something else - in the most excellently unimaginable way!

You SO know your stuff lady....and can write it clearly.....you are a champion advocate in my eyes.   I mean REALLY, WOW!!  [Listen to me sounding all BPD ?!?!?] lol.