Published on 12, July, 2020
My son is 25 now. Since the age of 8 he would not see professionals or have any discussions about his diagnosed condition or accept any support. We hoped that with age this would get easier. He had friends at school and we encouraged all outdoor pursuits e.g mountain biking and ski ing. He has been good at ‘passing for typical’ but the anxiety that this has caused has meant that behind closed doors things have been really difficult. His sensory issues were off the scale. He now wears earplugs in his room which helps but this has taken years. He has had a few jobs but never copes with the expectations. He has however held down a job now with a man doing tree maintenance (the man is very disorganised and has his own issues which is why I think it has worked for over a year)
All of his friends have moved on in life and Max is now really isolated. He has over the last few years lost interest in all his hobbies and life in general. He barely even answers us when we speak. He expresses that there is no point in life and has health obsessions.
If we try and talk to him he flys off the handle, always has. I used to have a close bond with him but that has gone now. I worry constantly about suicide but I can’t reach him. I am qualified in special needs and run parenting groups as a job but I am at a loss. I also have to finance his life in many areas but know I can’t get any benefits as he would never engage. He got disability when he was younger but once he got to an age where he had to be involved we had to stop any claims.
Our hearts are broken everyday because he is so unhappy. His brother is lovely with him but he won’t even engage with him now either. We are not pushy, love him for who he is and are proud of him but he sees none of this. I communicate with him by text which helps a bit.
He won’t eat with us, come away to our place in the Alps or engage with us in any way. My Dad committed suicide and I found his body. This is a worry for me with Max. What do we do and how can we parent him forever with no support. I don’t k ow how me and my husband have stayed together through all of these years of stress and heartache. Is there any way round financial help when someone has a communication issue?
I have paid fortunes over the years for special needs tutors just to get him through his 3 GCSEs to give him options and also to child psychologists for some help. He was under specialists too at Oxford Radcliffe hospital who said that our home life was unsustainable as he ‘passed for typical’ but in home life he was very complex and severe.in his symptoms. This was all done through video footage as we would not get in the car to attend appointments. Any advice or help would be welcome as there seems to be nothing for ‘kid’ or ‘adults’ like Max.
The most important question might be to ask what I expect from my son. Mines 25 now as well. He had a difficult relationship with his father who was NT. He's not autistic but dyslexic and neurodivergent. He can speak both NT/Autistic like all my ADHD friends, but he's a bit slower with communication. We had some difficult years but it seems he started thriving once his father passed away - which I wish wasn't the case.
All kids can feel weighed down by their parents if they're on a different wavelength (think of a radio, AM and FM work entirely different). There's a lot of new studies now around like minded humans having synchronised brain waves when working together! It's fascinating.
In some ways you've been an incredible parent. But it sounds like you're missing some crucial resources to help you with a very fundamental human need: connexion.
If home life was unsustainable, did they explain in detail why? There can be external environmental issues such as non-human friendly elements creating physiological impact - LEDs, chemically scented cleaning products, constant noise - all these things have been used to torture prisoners and yet, we now find them in the modern home. Even a home without a space to have uninterrupted room to focus and work can be jarring. Yoga technicians will stress the importance of a room with clean walls and no clutter for someone to thrive in. There are also all kinds of resources to hunt down regarding Human Flourishing.
But another unsustainable issue can be a mismatch in Roles and Responsibilities and our Expectations of one another which may or may not be alignment with who they are and what our role is in their life. Often, it's just a bit of wisdom we might lack as parents which turn the entire tide. Such as never being offended. My son will never be my equal, my job is to help him learn to understand his emotions and express them appropriately. It's to contain them for him when he cannot control them as he'll always lack my experience in years. It's to give him guidance and wisdom not expect it from him. The problem here can be what we're learning and how. So much media these days can tell us the opposite of what's healthy and if we become hypnotised by the phantasies we're sold, we can do so much damage.
Here's what I did: I grew as a human, spent time learning how to be a person worth investing in. Maybe you've done a lot of this, but I have found with spiritual guidance AND psychological insight, add some grounded understanding which has stayed the test of time, listening and approving the other... these can change everything.
Thank you, they said that home life was unsustainable because he reacted to every noise and movement that we made. During his teens he started to push over bedroom furniture just at any sound when he woke up in the morning. We would tell him that we knew he found noise difficult and give him strategies but he would yell at us, deny any issue with noise and deny any wreckage in his room saying it wasn’t him. I started to have panic attacks during those years as I had to think of every noise and movement I made. We have a big house but he hears the slightest sound. We built him a gym in the garden but he doesn’t use it anymore. His noise issues and movement seem to have settled down but I think that may be why he keeps out of our way now.