Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all. I'm Lauren and I'm new here. I strongly suspect that I'm autistic but no-one apart from my sister understands unfortunately.
I'm posting here today as I'd just like some advice!
I have acquired a new friendship group in the form of mothers from my children's school. At the beginning I was happy to meet up for cups of coffee or going on an occasional night out, but they're doing this really regularly now, sometimes 3-4 times a week, as well as seeing each other at the morning and afternoon school run. I'm not comfortable with doing this as I really love to be alone everyday. They're even talking about having group family holidays which makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
They don't understand why I'm not interested in doing these things with them? They keep pressing me, insisting they must have done something wrong to me or I'm angry with them for something because I keep making excuses not to see them.
They say that I'm avoiding them, and in fairness I am avoiding them. It seems that the more they press me on the issue, the more i want to avoid them. I just really dont want to see people everyday. And anyone I ask for advice just doesnt understand! Does anyone here understand please? I do have 4 boys under 8 so I'm burnt out most of the time anyway...
Thank you!
Hi, I think what Martin said would be the easiest way for them to see your point. Autistic or not, 4 children is going to wear anyone out. Neurotypical people like to be in groups or as I often say, herds or packs. They like to seek approval from each other and have a need of belonging to a collective. Autistic people often prefer their own space and don’t crave being in groups, we are often the lone wolf, just happy to quietly watch from a distance. Groups can be overwhelming and cause a meltdown. If you don’t want to completely cut them off then maybe just find one in the group who wants to go at a slower pace.
I often called these groups ‘the playground mafia’, there is always a dominant one in the group who borders on bullying. I can’t imagine how regimented and overwhelming a group holiday would be. I keep thinking of the series ‘ Motherland’.
Thank you. It is exhausting being a mother of 4 boys. My husband is also a full time nights lorry driver and they're not very understanding of that either - they've previously said "wake him up so he can look after the children and you can come for a cuppa". That just isnt how our family works, I respect that my husband works hard and I leave him to sleep as much as he needs, I also then enjoy spending time with him for an hour or two before he goes to work.
It does appear that one person is more demanding than the others, and I have avoided her like the plague since she has made it all about her. It's frustrating as shes my oldest friend out of the group and when we're alone, we get on like a house on fire.
I just wish this could be more casual. I'm happy once in a blue moon to meet for a catch up but multiple times a week or a group holiday sounds like a form of torture. I made the excuse that my husband wouldnt want to go and they genuinely suggested me and the children leave him at home alone for 5 days. Honestly.
It sounds like it takes a lot of energy in having to justify and defend yourself
.....actually, I find that some do and have done for far longer than my autism was even a twinkle in anyone's eyes. I personally find this comforting and reassuring.
and no-one bloomin' realises
Definitely....on all counts.
It's hard work isn't it. I think as autistics we put more effort in for less reward and we can be quite (or more) conscientious around others.
At least 2 out of 4 of them have expressed the same issue so there's obviously some mob mentality going on. It's frustrating because there isnt any real issue. I haven't ignored anyone. I dont generally tend to speak to anyone unless I'm spoken to first though so maybe that's another issue. It's hurting my brain now
I think it says more about her than you
Yes it all seems a bit gaslighty tbh. "It feels like you're ignoring us" "you're rude". She is suspected adhd so I respect that overthinking maybe at play here but it's still hurtful. If ever I've genuinely seen her, or not been rushing home for an appointment or something I've always stopped to talk. I dont want to be spending 20 mins everyday waiting around school yards talking! Thank you for your wonderful words π Bees π (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs
That is unfortunate, I'm also super annoyed for you because that sounds like a gaslighty thing of her to put on you. I don't understand why even if you knew you had seen her and didn't want to waste her time and yours with small talk before both going "sorry I have to go dinner won't cook itself", somehow you are the rude one? Nah I think that's just an allist excuse to feel more "normal" in of herself. That's not on you at all, and going by how outrageous the were of their demands to your time and energy I think you can hold your head high because you gave them the fairest of chances, because I know very social non-autistic people who would have found their demands a bit too much as well.
Hi Roy. It appears that things have come to a head now. My oldest friend has messaged me to tell me that I am rude because I've seen her multiple times and i have completely ignored her. Unfortunately sometimes when I look in a direction...it doesnt mean that i am actually *looking*. Looks like I will have to cut them off. Thank you for your responses today.
NAS83572 said: I realise that I am different in that I need to be alone but I cant even express that.
I think you have just given your own answer. I definitely wouldn’t disclose why you are different. My boys are adults now, these people seem like they are your whole world, honestly they come and go. Your husband works nights so that should be enough of a reason to decline their offers. Explain that he drives a large vehicle, waking him up as they are requesting is dangerous, his rest hours are there for a reason.