Published on 12, July, 2020
Four decades of trying to get on. Fourteen years of school. Two courses of CBT. Surely, an abundance of clues given off by me… and nothing. *I* had to be the one to suggest autism. But not before all those decades of tacitly assuming and resolving that all the stress and anxiety were things I just had to be clever enough and strong enough to push through. Desperately trying to obtain and cling on to a shred of credibility, despite my weirdness. Being failed over and over again by a lazy, vacuous, uncaring, one-size-fits-all system. Having such a low opinion of myself for thinking I was a pathetic failure. And feeling so humiliated at being alienated by the ‘normal’ majority that this precious society is designed for. Trying so very hard to get on and succeed… denigrating and trying to push past my weirdness and difficulties. And internalising such nasty, cruel thoughts. Hating myself for being weak, stupid, gormless, needy… and projecting that onto strangers, because they represent the normal majority who seem to have it so easy by comparison and are so unguarded and homogenous in each other’s company. Is it any wonder I felt “f*** you, then” and kept them at arm’s length? And that was before covid AND the cladding scandal came along to terrorise me simultaneously, as I lived alone in this flat. You’ve really done it this time… you expect me to be like you? Shrug a shoulder and casually go wading back into social mixing despite the risk that remains? Like I cannot possibly do without you? After what you’ve done to me? Go f*** yourselves. That’s how I feel. I’ve had enough of the arrogant, flippant, lazy, casual, offhand, uncaring, vacuous, one-size-fits-all attitude. It got very old a very long time ago. And now, with this toxic, non chalant “we have to learn to live with it” attitude… they just expect me to swallow that? They expect me to need THEM so much that I’m prepared to risk getting long covid for the ‘privilege’ of their company in this shallow consumer culture that we cannot possibly do without? Either that or they expect me to be so flippant, casual or in denial about it (LIKE THEM) that when BORIS (that well-known philanthropist and teller of truths) comes on TV and says “you don’t have to wear a mask any more!” I’m supposed to be like them and say “oh, OK, great, let’s all get down bar and ‘ave a f***in’ brew!”? Er, no. You’ve really done it this time. How dare you expect me to come gormlessly sauntering back to your society after everything you’ve done to me. Shove it. I’m out.
Thank you all for your replies. I’m sorry for writing such an emotional deluge. Mind like a tumble dryer and these days I’m particularly prone to getting into these desperate, agitated, frustrated moods, after everything that’s gone on.
To be honest, after I posted it, I was concerned that maybe it would get deleted or I’d be banned. But seeing instead people make such kind replies that empathise and say how similar it is for them… that’s… well, I’m not sure how to describe my reaction but it’s a good one. Some of it is relief. Finally, people who properly understand. Thank you! I’ve struggled my whole life for credibility and understanding and it adds to the alienation, anxiety and low self-esteem when the majority of people are just not on the same wavelength. Especially when those people collectively seem to have it easier by comparison. Sure, I don’t know who all ‘they’ are. Almost all of them are strangers. But I’m different to the majority of them in a few ways. Especially this one…
I’m still a little bit in denial as I’m not good at being vulnerable with people. I know, this condition doesn’t have to be seen as a vulnerability. It’s more that I feel vulnerable as a result of this recent diagnosis. When it finally occurred to me to pursue it earlier this year, it was because I was desperately looking for possible contributory factors in the sheer distress I was experiencing due to work’s back-to-office policy and this whole ‘live with it’ thing. I had become accustomed to isolation and the level of control I had over my environment - my safety. Me being me, I also kept constant close tabs over the pandemic situation, including trying to learn more about its pathology as it continues to mutate. So I probably know a little bit more about it than the average person. I’m not a qualified expert by any means… but I have read things (from respected publications, btw, I’m not a tin-foil-hat cherry-picking devourer of conspiracy theories) that made me concerned enough that I didn’t feel safe. Imagine if the Mayor in Jaws was trying to force you into the water…
Anyway, that’s a whole other story/gripe/obsession in its own right. The point is I was looking for ways I could protect myself. I’d known for decades that I had ‘tendencies’. Fine, I thought, let’s see if I can get a piece of paper confirming that so that I might get some ‘reasonable adjustments’. I’d already started talking regularly with a private shrink about my troubles, with a view to trying to resolve or at least diminish/better manage them, so it wasn’t a cynical exercise. This was an attempt as self-preservation as well as trying to tackle the misery. So, I went through the process. An initial screening call put me at a 7 out of 10 and so I was referred. Fast forward to two weeks ago, I was emailed the full report. It included a table of 10 different diagnostic criteria. Every single one was ‘Met’. Well, that did it… high-functioning, yes, and able to sort-of get on in this world with a kind of pathological Endurance Mode. Trying so hard to make it work. But there we go… 10 out of 10. It’s like someone has chucked a grenade at my timeline (bit of stereotyped, idiosyncratic language for you there). In one sense, nothing has changed, because this is who I’ve been this whole time. But in another sense, I now have a life-long condition. Denial can only get you so far. I tried my best but the last two and a half years did for me. I tried my best but, once again, it wasn’t good enough. Meanwhile, ‘they’ go about their lives, casually and with their usual camaraderie. And I’m left surveying ruins. So many years…
Anyone here seen The Good Place, btw?
I so relate to this. Coincidentally I also did loads of research into the pandemic, I even wrote to several experts and got advice from some of the top researchers into the pandemic. I regret it in a way because I think if anything it made me worry so much more as what what I learnt was far from reassuring. I think the pandemic has had a detrimental impact on people’s mental health in so many different ways.