Published on 12, July, 2020
Four decades of trying to get on. Fourteen years of school. Two courses of CBT. Surely, an abundance of clues given off by me… and nothing. *I* had to be the one to suggest autism. But not before all those decades of tacitly assuming and resolving that all the stress and anxiety were things I just had to be clever enough and strong enough to push through. Desperately trying to obtain and cling on to a shred of credibility, despite my weirdness. Being failed over and over again by a lazy, vacuous, uncaring, one-size-fits-all system. Having such a low opinion of myself for thinking I was a pathetic failure. And feeling so humiliated at being alienated by the ‘normal’ majority that this precious society is designed for. Trying so very hard to get on and succeed… denigrating and trying to push past my weirdness and difficulties. And internalising such nasty, cruel thoughts. Hating myself for being weak, stupid, gormless, needy… and projecting that onto strangers, because they represent the normal majority who seem to have it so easy by comparison and are so unguarded and homogenous in each other’s company. Is it any wonder I felt “f*** you, then” and kept them at arm’s length? And that was before covid AND the cladding scandal came along to terrorise me simultaneously, as I lived alone in this flat. You’ve really done it this time… you expect me to be like you? Shrug a shoulder and casually go wading back into social mixing despite the risk that remains? Like I cannot possibly do without you? After what you’ve done to me? Go f*** yourselves. That’s how I feel. I’ve had enough of the arrogant, flippant, lazy, casual, offhand, uncaring, vacuous, one-size-fits-all attitude. It got very old a very long time ago. And now, with this toxic, non chalant “we have to learn to live with it” attitude… they just expect me to swallow that? They expect me to need THEM so much that I’m prepared to risk getting long covid for the ‘privilege’ of their company in this shallow consumer culture that we cannot possibly do without? Either that or they expect me to be so flippant, casual or in denial about it (LIKE THEM) that when BORIS (that well-known philanthropist and teller of truths) comes on TV and says “you don’t have to wear a mask any more!” I’m supposed to be like them and say “oh, OK, great, let’s all get down bar and ‘ave a f***in’ brew!”? Er, no. You’ve really done it this time. How dare you expect me to come gormlessly sauntering back to your society after everything you’ve done to me. Shove it. I’m out.
Arx said:And now, with this toxic, non chalant “we have to learn to live with it” attitude… they just expect me to swallow that? They expect me to need THEM so much that I’m prepared to risk getting long covid for the ‘privilege’ of their company in this shallow consumer culture that we cannot possibly do without?
You know this is as good as it gets right? Covid is never going away just like flu, the common cold and all the other diseases you can catch jut by sitting on the same bus as someone. I'm not here to say anything good or bad about your friends but tbh if you think your life outside home is more in danger now than before the pandemic because of covid ... that just not born out by the facts.
It is an almost statistical inevitability that you will catch covid eventually. If you haven't already and been asymptomatic. You will almost certainly be fine as most people who caught it, especially those who had been vaccinated, were. It's no more rational to hide in doors from covid now than it was to hide indoors from seasonal flu before the pandemic.
That's all very well for the majority who have no particular vulnerability to covid or long covid, but that is not the case for all of us. If I had stopped to think about flu before covid I had reason to be more troubled by it than I was!
What annoys me most is that I had hoped that attitudes might change such that people realised that with a bit more care, wearing masks (for those who can tolerate it) in crowded areas, especially where there is a lot of mixing of people not in regular contact, hand washing, keeping a reasonable distance etc might actually lead to a reduction in other airborne winter viruses. And staying home while sick and infectious! Why would people not see the benefit of not spreading disease around? Why do we just expect to have x number of colds plus flu and covid every winter?
The attitude of people who just can't be bothered to protect the vulnerable sickens me, people are still dying of covid and a new variant could arise any time. And people seem to think the vaccines stop spread, they don't. Nor do they stop long covid. They don't do nothing but neither do they do what was hoped, yet people act as if they do. And I do worry about the long-term effect of the not benign spike proteins they cause the body to make.
If I have to catch covid one day I would rather delay it until there is some kind of better understanding of how to avoid or at least treat long covid. That is my personal concern coz if I got that on top of what I have now my energy levels might be in the negative!
I agree. Reducing the spread of Covid - with simple things like mask wearing in crowded places - is definitely a good idea. But in this country there seems to be an ‘all or nothing’ approach to preventative measures against Covid. Many people (such as immunocompromised people) are still vulnerable Covid. We should be more considerate as a society - if we were we would save lives. Every life MATTERS - but it’s as if the U.K. Govt has decided that a certain amount of deaths from Covid is ok. But every family that faces that loss will feel huge suffering. Wearing a mask really isn’t that bad - if it saves even a few lives surely it’s worth it?! I feel attitudes in the U.K. to the vulnerable are quite callous. High levels of Covid increase the likelihood of new variants. Other cultures are ok with mask wearing - because they have a more collective mentality - but western capitalist countries ar3 very individualistic and selfish. It’s very sad. My eldest has suspected crohns and some of the drugs for that are immunosuppressant. People should be more considerate of the health of others. But there you go - the U.K. Govt does nothing to encourage a caring society.
Kate Kestrel said:Other cultures are ok with mask wearing - because they have a more collective mentality - but western capitalist countries ar3 very individualistic and selfish.
True but they only wear them when they feel sick, not all the time.
Yes, I agree. I find their rhetoric about helping "those who need it most" absolutely sums it up. In that expression they can get away with giving an impression of caring, but only a little unpicking reveals how much that leaves those who need it second most out in the cold! Oh, you only have one leg, but look, this person with no legs needs help more so you can go jump! Oh, you can't jump with only one leg? Tough! Just be glad you have a leg! Oh, here is a person with no arms or legs - now the person with no legs is not the most in need of help so they can go jump!! We should not be helping only those who need it most, but anyone who needs help. But I doubt anyone here would disagree with that!
It made me so cross when they missed the opportunity to lead by example and instead agreed with the angry masses that mask wearing was an imposition rather than a common sense protection. And what protects lives of the most vulnerable also reduces general low level suffering of those masses, surely nobody actually enjoys a cold? Especially when they are not even taking time off work but have to "soldier on through". And many people I know who had covid even recently fully vaxed said it was very unpleasant.
I suppose that's what you get when everything comes down to the bottom line, money! Although even then I suspect they are actually getting a lot of things wrong about how economics really works, it seems to be a bit of a dark art that nobody really understands. I am reminded of a quote (or paraphrase most likely as my memory is imperfect) about quantum mechanics - if anybody thinks they understand quantum mechanics that proves they do not understand it!