Is this a shut down

I was diagnosed in my thirties last year and one thing which I've struggled to get my head around is shutdowns and meltdowns. It wasn't something I thought I could identify with but now I understand a bit more I can see when I think they happen. I think I have shutdowns more than meltdowns. 

I had a chat with my partner last night about life stuff. I spent most of it crying. It felt like my head was in a washing machine. I said several times that it was too much for my brain to cope with. He's really understanding but said he didn't know how to help.  He feels better if he can find solutions but I said sometimes just being there is enough. I think it was too overwhelming for my brain to process with too many emotions, unknowns and a million thoughts branching off.

After the chat we went to bed but I felt a bit numb. Like my brain couldn't cope so it just... shut down. I woke up this morning and have felt off. Really down. But not depressed.  I recognise this feeling from before...like when I don't know what to think or feel or how to attend to any of it. Like I can't put things in order in my head to be able to deal with them.  So i feel quiet, inward and down. And numb. And not mute but... I've only spoken when necessary really. We normally have a bit of a chat at dinner but it's like my brain wouldn't work today. I've been able to do my work and go shopping which has been a welcome distraction so I haven't been completely shut down but it's been hard. 

I just wonder how I'd cope with the changes we potentially discussed when this happens merely talking about it. It's times like this when I really do feel different to other people and out of step.

Parents
  • This is by far, the best descriptions: 

    It felt like my head was in a washing machine.

    That is a LOT of neurons firing. Experience the difference of a clear quiet sky on the 6th of November. A bit like a reset button. It could be the contrast, but it's like coming down off of a high. Not an enjoyable one, mind, but you should feel like a type of exhaustion or depletion. Just recognising and affirming your experience. I have some strategies, but I think I'm talked out for today. Will try to follow up!

  • We have decided a strategy. ..,to keep talking about it instead of me saving it all up in my head for months and not knowing how to talk about it. This way hopefully it'll be less intense.  I'd like to know, when you have time, what strategies you use.

Reply
  • We have decided a strategy. ..,to keep talking about it instead of me saving it all up in my head for months and not knowing how to talk about it. This way hopefully it'll be less intense.  I'd like to know, when you have time, what strategies you use.

Children
  • I just wonder how much of alexithymia comes from plowing on through past our own emotions because of masking, people pleasing, wanting to do what is perceived as right....at a cost to ourselves.

    Oh, chicken and egg, I wonder which way round it is? Am I alexythymic because of ignoring feelings or can I push past them because I don't realise i am feeling them?

    I was a slow eater as a child and was punished by having to stay at the table until my food was finished, my sister was the same. But I only realised many years later that I ate fast enough until I was full and then ate slowly because I was full! But I learned to keep plugging along and clear my plate. And now I do not know when I am full. Did I ever? I must have at some level because I slowed down?

    My Nan was surprised when i stayed with her having been told I was a slow eater, that she didn't find me a slow eater. She thought I was motivated by the blue striped crockery! To see each stripe emerging. But maybe she just gave me smaller portions!

    I am still a slow eater, and I still don't know what is the right portion size. I might now be a slow eater because of arthritis in my jaw and hands, or it might be a habit I might have reinforced since hearing that it is better for digestion to eat slowly.

    I wonder if I or my parents might have realised if the punishment had been having the dinner removed and put in the fridge to eat later? Not that I was overweight, so... I dunno, but interesting to consider.

  • Thank you for the lengthy reply. Despite having anxiety or shutdowns, I don't tend to avoid situations (the opposite is true for approaching difficult conversations), rather I soldier on through which is probably what masking is. I do yoga a few times each week and meditate daily...it is helping me become a bit more in tune with myself. Your notions about the Alert are interesting. I think often I have ignored this in the past due to masking. I just wonder how much of alexithymia comes from plowing on through past our own emotions because of masking, people pleasing, wanting to do what is perceived as right....at a cost to ourselves. Nowadays, to me, anxiety is a sign that I am doing something naturally out of tune with myself....that's why it's there - to protect us. But I have had a lifetime of pushing through this. The idea that nothing grows in the comfort zone... but I feel I've had a lifetime so far of being out of this comfort zone and just want a bit of peace. I am in the process of setting boundaries which is work in practise but making progress. Sometimes it's hard to make decisions because the brain goes through a million scenarios and I often need others to help inform my decision.  I'm very aware you don't know what might happen in the future but having so many different scenarios makes it hard to see clearly. I can see how it's detailed thinking first in order to build a bigger picture. Thank goodness I have been so incredibly fatigued this week. I have been in survival mode which has stopped me from thinking about it. Yes this is an element of avoidance. I think some of it is to do with monotropic thinking as it's hard to concentrate with so many thoughts but at the same time it had been hard to switch off from the topic in general. 

    It felt like I was stuck on a pavement trying to cross a really busy road but with no way through.  

  • Hey... catching up on this. I think the key here is to locate the source, understand how I'm impacted and respond appropriately. The source is either harmful/toxic and can be replaced or removed or it is something like a highly unethical strategy in society that requires identification and navigation around like a poisonous fungi. OR: there is a function of individual growth which is being prompted.

    We cannot navigate or negotiate what is unknown. A few things can happen from an Autist experience: We become incredibly withdrawn due to unrelenting overwhelming situations and then put up imaginary defences (think of a moat, a dragon, add some archers on top of your tower walls), until we become a shell of our selves. No one gets in, I'm even 'blocked' out from myself. Compound this with already having a difficulty identifying emotions and how they're triggered internally and you're met with a problem: how do I even speak about things I can't recognise properly, let alone have the words/terminology to express.

    Now, we might naturally "process" out loud for this very reason, so keep talking. But it's first important to - I would say - Steal Time for introspection. Maybe even full body engagement like yoga a few times a week. A practice like this can help us begin to recognise internal sensory mechanisms with tangible, physical elements: muscles, biology. This can translate to metaphysical elements like thoughts and emotions. Learning to Listen to the Self is no small matter. 

    Once I begin to recognise an uneasiness or a sense of conflict, it become a marker that something is happening at a level requiring identification. This Alert is important even if we cannot recognise it immediately. Sometimes journaling with whatever words I have available is useful, and there may be clues to help me start peeling through a dictionary to find better words so that I can have a type of command over the situation. 

    The other thing to begin to look into is most things are not matters of consequence. A banana. If I don't eat a banana everyday what else can I get the same nutrients from. If I don't use these LEDs constantly what other options exist. If I'm constantly cold, do I need more exercise, should I wear more wool which helps with temperature regulation? What else exists. What am I missing? Am I being harmed or is this prompting a sort of education. 

    One thing I began to recognise is a lot of my own frustration came down to wanting to have agency over my life and not understanding how society functioned. Not understanding I could say no and not have to explain myself. So, having proper boundaries and having tools in the form of education, perspective and appropriate responses to situations. The more I understood, the less meltdowns I had. I discovered how many interruptions I was faced with daily - and even now, little ones like auto-correct and flashing adverts; REALLY hate them. My phone is always silent, I refuse to play along with NT games of guilt and debt, so I rarely respond in ways that create remorse or regret. And maybe even thinking ahead: if I do X will I feel a sense of regret? What will the consequence be (like not taking a moment to do something right while someone else is rushing me). 

    Rules I abide by: Very few things are matters of consequence. One cannot force a process or cut it short. In other words, if I take time to be in this moment and do these dishes I won't break one and cause a further set of interruptions unnecessarily. The shop might close and I'll just go with out and go tomorrow, we won't starve. Most things in life can be a little more manageable by Stealing Time and Listening to the Self. :) 

    *I'm using small things occurrences here. I've navigated some really cruel individuals and learned to just exit social situations when it became better to be alone than to wish I was. The ideal result of growth should be an integration between deeper truths (things I genuinely deeply care about, which are usually buried under an immediate sense of 'truth'), my intention, words and action. Also known as having integrity. x