Is this a shut down

Thank you. I'm glad that your partner at least gets it. That's half the battle

Part of me would like to live somewhere more remote and quieter, but for a whole bunch of practical reasons it's not possible.

Unknown said:

I just wonder how much of alexithymia comes from plowing on through past our own emotions because of masking, people pleasing, wanting to do what is perceived as right....at a cost to ourselves.

Oh, chicken and egg, I wonder which way round it is? Am I alexythymic because of ignoring feelings or can I push past them because I don't realise i am feeling them?

I was a slow eater as a child and was punished by having to stay at the table until my food was finished, my sister was the same. But I only realised many years later that I ate fast enough until I was full and then ate slowly because I was full! But I learned to keep plugging along and clear my plate. And now I do not know when I am full. Did I ever? I must have at some level because I slowed down?

My Nan was surprised when i stayed with her having been told I was a slow eater, that she didn't find me a slow eater. She thought I was motivated by the blue striped crockery! To see each stripe emerging. But maybe she just gave me smaller portions!

I am still a slow eater, and I still don't know what is the right portion size. I might now be a slow eater because of arthritis in my jaw and hands, or it might be a habit I might have reinforced since hearing that it is better for digestion to eat slowly.

I wonder if I or my parents might have realised if the punishment had been having the dinner removed and put in the fridge to eat later? Not that I was overweight, so... I dunno, but interesting to consider.

I agree with a lot of what you say. I used to feel like that most days after work but didn't realise it was as bad as it was. Even just after a normal day. Now having had time off with post viral fatigue, that feeling is all too familiar. I too used to sit passively. I can't believe I used to put my brain through the things it went through. Even "downtime" going to classes at the sports centre I realise were not helping because there was still too much hypervigilance.

I had a really remote holiday this year. Driving back onto the mainland. ...it was as clear as day how much our brains are (over) stimulated. As soon as we landed it was signs, information, lights, information, stuff, busyness, words, information, lights!!!

IS IT ANY WONDER WE GET AS TIRED AS WE DO. IS IT ANY WONDER WE GET BURNT OUT. 

Oh my days.

Thanks Dawn, you're totally right. I've felt like this before when bombarded or there's been a sudden change. I've been looking after myself more this week...you're right sometimes it's the only thing we can do. And we need to allow ourselves this. My partner is great and situations like at work which I have less control over the interactions or environment I just have to remove myself to recharge.

Also I enjoyed your story on the NAS website. 

Thank you for the lengthy reply. Despite having anxiety or shutdowns, I don't tend to avoid situations (the opposite is true for approaching difficult conversations), rather I soldier on through which is probably what masking is. I do yoga a few times each week and meditate daily...it is helping me become a bit more in tune with myself. Your notions about the Alert are interesting. I think often I have ignored this in the past due to masking. I just wonder how much of alexithymia comes from plowing on through past our own emotions because of masking, people pleasing, wanting to do what is perceived as right....at a cost to ourselves. Nowadays, to me, anxiety is a sign that I am doing something naturally out of tune with myself....that's why it's there - to protect us. But I have had a lifetime of pushing through this. The idea that nothing grows in the comfort zone... but I feel I've had a lifetime so far of being out of this comfort zone and just want a bit of peace. I am in the process of setting boundaries which is work in practise but making progress. Sometimes it's hard to make decisions because the brain goes through a million scenarios and I often need others to help inform my decision.  I'm very aware you don't know what might happen in the future but having so many different scenarios makes it hard to see clearly. I can see how it's detailed thinking first in order to build a bigger picture. Thank goodness I have been so incredibly fatigued this week. I have been in survival mode which has stopped me from thinking about it. Yes this is an element of avoidance. I think some of it is to do with monotropic thinking as it's hard to concentrate with so many thoughts but at the same time it had been hard to switch off from the topic in general. 

It felt like I was stuck on a pavement trying to cross a really busy road but with no way through.  

Yes, I've had this feeling. I struggle with whether it should be termed 'shutdown' or 'autistic exhaustion,' but perhaps the terms overlap. I often come home from work feeling rather ill: exhausted, sometimes faint, disinclined to speak or do anything. I used to just sit passively in front of the computer for ages. Now I've realised that just carries on overstimulating me and I try to read a book (if I have the energy/concentration) or watch TV (somehow watching one TV programme isn't overstimulating the way going from webpage to page is, particularly if it's a programme I know well and isn't going to surprise or upset me). When it's really bad, sometimes I just lie on the bed with my eyes shut in the quiet.

I feel that the world massively over-stimulates me, particularly when I'm at work and commuting and I just need to be quiet and away from it all for a while. Unfortunately, my social life is mainly online, and currently my marriage is too (my wife is in New York waiting for a visa to live in the UK), so cutting the online world out drastically isn't really an option, but I'm trying to be more mindful of my use. Likewise, I can't leave my job, but I do try to set recovery time for afterwards.

Yes, I recognise 'shut down' like that.  The brain becomes so overwhelmed by the input; whether sensory, verbal information, emotion, sudden change etc that it just can't process and then the brain will disassociate, I'm anxious and exhausted and not able to communicate very well.  

There's not much you can do once it's started except rest, spend time alone under the duvet and allow your system to process slowly, but if the people around you can understand why it happens, some of it can be avoided by say not bombarding you with too much at once, allowing you to take charge of your environment etc.

Hey... catching up on this. I think the key here is to locate the source, understand how I'm impacted and respond appropriately. The source is either harmful/toxic and can be replaced or removed or it is something like a highly unethical strategy in society that requires identification and navigation around like a poisonous fungi. OR: there is a function of individual growth which is being prompted.

We cannot navigate or negotiate what is unknown. A few things can happen from an Autist experience: We become incredibly withdrawn due to unrelenting overwhelming situations and then put up imaginary defences (think of a moat, a dragon, add some archers on top of your tower walls), until we become a shell of our selves. No one gets in, I'm even 'blocked' out from myself. Compound this with already having a difficulty identifying emotions and how they're triggered internally and you're met with a problem: how do I even speak about things I can't recognise properly, let alone have the words/terminology to express.

Now, we might naturally "process" out loud for this very reason, so keep talking. But it's first important to - I would say - Steal Time for introspection. Maybe even full body engagement like yoga a few times a week. A practice like this can help us begin to recognise internal sensory mechanisms with tangible, physical elements: muscles, biology. This can translate to metaphysical elements like thoughts and emotions. Learning to Listen to the Self is no small matter. 

Once I begin to recognise an uneasiness or a sense of conflict, it become a marker that something is happening at a level requiring identification. This Alert is important even if we cannot recognise it immediately. Sometimes journaling with whatever words I have available is useful, and there may be clues to help me start peeling through a dictionary to find better words so that I can have a type of command over the situation. 

The other thing to begin to look into is most things are not matters of consequence. A banana. If I don't eat a banana everyday what else can I get the same nutrients from. If I don't use these LEDs constantly what other options exist. If I'm constantly cold, do I need more exercise, should I wear more wool which helps with temperature regulation? What else exists. What am I missing? Am I being harmed or is this prompting a sort of education. 

One thing I began to recognise is a lot of my own frustration came down to wanting to have agency over my life and not understanding how society functioned. Not understanding I could say no and not have to explain myself. So, having proper boundaries and having tools in the form of education, perspective and appropriate responses to situations. The more I understood, the less meltdowns I had. I discovered how many interruptions I was faced with daily - and even now, little ones like auto-correct and flashing adverts; REALLY hate them. My phone is always silent, I refuse to play along with NT games of guilt and debt, so I rarely respond in ways that create remorse or regret. And maybe even thinking ahead: if I do X will I feel a sense of regret? What will the consequence be (like not taking a moment to do something right while someone else is rushing me). 

Rules I abide by: Very few things are matters of consequence. One cannot force a process or cut it short. In other words, if I take time to be in this moment and do these dishes I won't break one and cause a further set of interruptions unnecessarily. The shop might close and I'll just go with out and go tomorrow, we won't starve. Most things in life can be a little more manageable by Stealing Time and Listening to the Self. :) 

*I'm using small things occurrences here. I've navigated some really cruel individuals and learned to just exit social situations when it became better to be alone than to wish I was. The ideal result of growth should be an integration between deeper truths (things I genuinely deeply care about, which are usually buried under an immediate sense of 'truth'), my intention, words and action. Also known as having integrity. x

We have decided a strategy. ..,to keep talking about it instead of me saving it all up in my head for months and not knowing how to talk about it. This way hopefully it'll be less intense.  I'd like to know, when you have time, what strategies you use.

I don't think I can mask these things really. Everyone is affected differently and I see burnout more as a long term thing (which may for some be the result of lots of shutdowns). Shutdowns for me are more an of the moment / hours or a day kind of thing. I've learned about energy accounting because of post viral fatigue. It sounds like you were persisting through even though your energy was depleted and it led to burnout. I think I experienced some sort of shutdown most days after work. I agree that you can permanently loose capacity. I feel my executive function is a lot less since I experienced burnout a few years ago. I'm not sure I ever fully recovered tbh. I think learning from others is really important to help understand what we go through!

Unknown said:

the descriptions that abound on these pages regarding overwhelm, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnouts, flapping, stimming etc all make sense when I peel back the self-imposed veil of masking.

I still don't know about stimming. I can't identify with it but I think that's cos I just read about more obvious forms of it so can't relate to it.

I'm in your boat too.  I wouldn't have been able to identify "incidents" in my life previously, but since allowing myself to be myself more freely, the descriptions that abound on these pages regarding overwhelm, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnouts, flapping, stimming etc all make sense when I peel back the self-imposed veil of masking.

The terminology can be even more difficult and confusing than the behavioural affects and feelings themselves.  I can only report my experience and describe how it has worked in relation to my life.  I think I experience "meltdowns" quite regularly when I am under pressure but I cloak them with a veneer of standardised masking for NT eyes, ie, if I need to outburst some kinetic energy, I will feign being cross or become hyper happy about something....or, if I feel I need to shut down and hide, then I will feign a sulk or leave in a huff.  I thought everyone did this.  I very rarely feel the emotions described above, but "overwhelm" is something I know about baby!

My coping behaviours are not attractive ones but they achieve what I need to happen and it's not too awful for me nor for those around me (apart from a little confusion on their part normally.)  I reckon a standard "overwhelm induced burnout" for me takes about 10% out of my capacity and it takes me about 7-10 days to return from 90% to 100%.  No drama.   This has proven to be a sustainable model for years on end, until.......

Unfortunately, if I find myself in environments or circumstances that cause regular "overwhelm" events, then my overall capacity can drop well below 40% in a few short weeks.  With such little resource at my disposal, my masking efforts start to be rather "off" and I have been told that I start to behave in an unnerving way.  I think of this as my mask being like a TV screen flicking between channels so people watching or listening to me won't understand why they are metaphorically watching a nature documentary interspersed with a horror movie.

I think I have reached about 5% capacity on 3-4 occasions in my adult life.

On one of these fateful occasions, I tried to "tough-it-out" at about 5% capacity for a few months - and the inevitable happened.  I call that my major burnout.  It's like the battery has caught fire !  No amount of careful charging is going to work.

The thing that I find interesting about all this is that your description above assigned as "shutdown" is also a very clear match for the perpetual state that I found myself at the times of my burnouts.  Nominally functional, but unreal zombie mode.

A couple of months of R&R seemed to restore me from the "minor" burnouts, but the "major one" was many, many months.  I think they have collectively permanently damaged my overall capacity.  I'm keen not to loose more !

This is anecdotal scribblings of my perceived experiences (supported by the very few NT's who are brave and kind enough to explain their perceptions of me - to me.)  I will be delighted to hear the science and research from better read and informed contributors.  I love to learn.

Yes depleted is correct. Thank you for taking time to reply

This is by far, the best descriptions: 

Unknown said:

It felt like my head was in a washing machine.

That is a LOT of neurons firing. Experience the difference of a clear quiet sky on the 6th of November. A bit like a reset button. It could be the contrast, but it's like coming down off of a high. Not an enjoyable one, mind, but you should feel like a type of exhaustion or depletion. Just recognising and affirming your experience. I have some strategies, but I think I'm talked out for today. Will try to follow up!