I was wonder if anyone could help me understand, My ten year old hates surprises, he had a meltdown over not knowing the details of a walk, I said I might take them on (didn’t want to tell details incase, I couldnt manage to take them)
This lead to major distress, can anyone here help me understand from his point of view?
New here, and on this journey too.
a stage full of actors, with a vast audience watching, but you have not been given the script. You are still expected to interact with the other actors and try to divine what is expected of you
Yes, that is a good description of life! Sometimes I'm up for the challenge and others times it's just so daunting. And some scenarios you start to learn how the script goes so get a bit more comfortable, but still knowing that the script could suddenly change without warning.
For me, I like to know what’s going to happen. If I don’t I worry a lot. I even dress for the occasion, know what to take and I can plan my escape if I don’t like it.
if I was going out with friends and plans changed I would panic.
Your son probably doesn’t understand why he’s getting upset but he will understand all of that when he’s older
Essentially, autistic people are at a great disadvantage in a world that evolved to be comfortable, or at least bearable, for neurotypical people. Imagine the stress of being thrust onto a stage full of actors, with a vast audience watching, but you have not been given the script. You are still expected to interact with the other actors and try to divine what is expected of you. Pretty damn scary! This what it is like being autistic in everyday society. As a coping mechanism to all this stress and uncertainty we try to impose whatever regularity and predictability we can over events. Seen in this light, your son's problems with uncertainty and deviations from plans may make more sense to you.
For me not knowing is scary in itself, forgetting everything else.
I'd rather know where, when and how long, so I could make myself mentally ready, and decide if I'm able to do it. As it was mentioned proper clothing shoes, extra food if it takes longer, a drink, possibility of using toilet, and where would that be. E.g. my friends like to spent time on a beach but I keep refusing invitations there because of lack of toilet.
I would be OK if it didn't happen but I'd rather plan for something that won't happen than go in blind.
He might have wanted to make sure he had the right kind of shoes etc. He might have wanted to know whether it would be something he would like or dislike, so whether to hope it happened or hope it didn't. It might sound obvious, but have you tried asking him?
Uncertainty is know to be a stressor, most people only feel this if the thing unknown is particularly scary, like an operation, but we can find unusual things stressful, or can find everything stressful, so the more we know, even if not necessarily relevant or helpful, can help us feel less worried by it.
I'm sure the others will be along later to discuss their views, and I don't pretend to know exactly what your ten year old is experiencing, but I also hate surprises and need to know what is going to happen to feel comfortable with going to things.
I find what are for many people very normal experiences, somewhere on a scale from mildly unpleasant to physically painful or debilitating. Because this is a not unique experience for me but certainly a rarer one, I cannot rely on other people to take into consideration what is going to make things difficult for me, because it literally won't register for them. As a result it is on me to plan any mental or physical preparations I need to get through. This can be as simple as taking ear plugs or ear defenders, bringing an extra stim toy, or just mentally knowing that this is going to be a taxing environment and so planning the rest of my energy expenditure accordingly.
You may be familiar with the phrase 'forewarned is forearmed'. What this means for me, is that if I know what is going to happen, I can plan, I can manage my energy expenditure and schedule my recovery time, I can make escape plans, mitigation plans, all the planning! This is because fundamentally, my processing doesn't necessarily work fast enough to react to things, so I need plans in place before hand, or I don't react at all and I end up in a bad/dangerous position.
If I have a thing that might happen, or that will happen and I don't know the details for it, my internal planning looks like this instead:
Thing? Work? Rest? Energy sinkhole? Energy rejuvenation? Escape? Where? Requirements? Escape plan? Escape plan? Things afterwards? Energy levels? Do I need to schedule recharge time? Can I do things afterwards? When do I go to the toilet? When do I eat?
You can see how that's quite anxiety inducing.
As your son is 10 it's possible he hasn't quite worked out the planning thing yet, but he's probably doing some of it subconsciously and feeling all the anxiety. When the world is difficult being prepared is important.
I think personally, if there are the options of maybe doing something fun and definitely not doing it, I might often chose the definitely not doing that, because at least that's certain.
