Right and wrong

Glad to be of service. I’ve actually only learnt this about myself this year! No doubt more useful revelations will become apparent with time…

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on the matter. As always, it is nice to read the differing points of view and, as a result, have a chance to reflect with those view points in mind.

I think I was struggling a bit the day I wrote this and perhaps my frustrations were obvious in the post. I had written it in an attempt to vocalise something I’ve grappled with for a while. I didn’t really intend for it to be quite as much of a rant as it had turned out to be.

The example I mentioned was just that, an example to try and highlight something I’ve grappled with for a while. My tunnel vision on what is right and wrong in my eyes. I recognise that this is only my view, and that others will view things differently. When these don’t align, this is definitely an area of difficulty for me, but it’s one I’m becoming more aware of.

Also, in my example, I was asked to help. So I did. I did do it for the sake of helping and not for anything in return. I think the frustrations arose around the fact that, for me, it’s a common courtesy to say thank you, so when that didn’t really happen, it was disappointing to me. I will also admit to the fact, which is probably quite selfish of me, that I often look for reassurance that I’ve done something well. So a little bit of my disappointment was tied up in this too. This is something I can see now that I am more removed from the situation. And something I’d like to work on.

To those of you that made the point of helping people for the sake of it. And recognising that, even without thanks, that it was the right thing to do, you are right. I think in this moment, it was good to be reminded of that. My vision became a bit clouded, but I can certainly see the importance of this again.

I really appreciate your time on the matter, so, thank you. Another example of why this community is so valuable to me.

for the same reason I continue to do so, despite no thank yous

and maybe it's a little bit of self-preservation too. If I knew I could've helped and I didn't, then I would have a sleepless night berating myself to being selfish

" Recently, I dropped everything to help someone. Put hours into it. But since then, I’ve had very little back."

It simply is not worth investing your time into most people, if you expect a direct "quid pro quo". It don't work like that.

I see doing "good works" more as a "sport" where I derive pleasure from the accomplishment itself and the changes that doing the sport engender. If I win a "reward", that's nice, if people recognise either my effort or achievement, that doesn't hurt, but it isn't why I am playing that sport.

On many occasions after I helped siomeone out of my own volition I realised that because they did not want it, they do not feel like they needed it, and they won't be appreciative, so no thank yous

Thanks, that makes sense now. I think I was mostly encouraged by being accepted here as I am not completely confident in my autistic identity, being only self-diagnosed.

Hmm, I think most people (NTs) are quite happy to be wrong as long as enough people agree with them... it's called democracy...

What I mean is, you have questions, assumptions and opinions about yourself and the world around you.  I am the same.  Neither of us should necessarily be encouraged or guided by each other because we are both just as likely to be wrong - hence "the blind leading the blind."

All the best

Not sure what you mean by that?

The blind leading the blind ! lol

Thank you, I find that encouraging.

Hi - reading this and thought, at long last some people who feel just as confused as I do!

Over the years I've learnt to be selfish and not help people unless they directly ask for it.  I save energy and avoid the backlash if I've overstepped the mark.

Some people are downright nasty though.  I'd say offer your help: wait for them to ask.  Even then you might find those who simply wish to take and not show thanks.

You write a lot of sense Triker - new or otherwise - self-identified or diagnosed - you're alright by me!

I find it hard that most people seem to not like being corrected and don't find that helpful! If I am wrong I want to be corrected so I see it as a kindness unless it is done in a mean way. Of course that is only if it is a point of fact not opinion. Nobody wants to be told they are wrong to like what they like; or if it is something which is a disputable matter, although I enjoy discussing those and not everyone else does.

Also I think of it as helpful to share knowledge and advice, which as you say can also be seen as being a know-all. But surely it is good to share knowledge? Again, I like to be told things I don't know which might be useful. But not if someone has already told me that thing or if it is wrong I guess... Still, better to be offered the info than not, just in case it is useful.

And it is difficult when someone tells you a problem and you just assume they want your help solving it when actually they just want sympathy. I often get this wrong! Even with my Dad who is very similar to me, but sometimes he just wants to vent to a sympathetic ear and has already thought of the solution, although it is nice when I do think of a thing which he hasn't thought of and which helps him. My Dad has also had problems with trying to help people and it not being welcome; we reckon he is autistic too.

I assume these are things which people here relate to? I am only self-diagnosed and new here, so not really sure, but from what I have read those are regarded as autistic traits? And now I'm waffling and not sure how to sign off so I shall just stop writing and post!

Oakling said:

I have fairly strict guidelines on how I carry myself, and I assume everyone does the same (and that those guidelines align with mine).

This is a bad assumption and not true, unfortunately. Most people don't have guidelines. Most people are at the mercy of their emotions and do whatever feels good, or doesn't make themselves feel bad, and that might not align with what you feel is just. Most people are very selfish. Some people are psychopaths and will try to actively exploit you.

The best advice, is never ever do something with the expectation of reciprocation or thanks or praise. That's not a selfless act, you're doing it for yourself, for the things you expect to happen if the other person has the same way of thinking as you.

Do something for others expecting nothing in return, or do nothing for others.

Autistic people tend to have a strong sense of fairness and justice, which is not reflected in neurotypicals, who have no problem with lying and cheating, and in many cases, are not aware of it and feel nothing about it.

Interesting..........I am normally advised to be careful NOT to help UNLESS I am asked for it.

I know that I do have a strong tendency to try and help anyone in a situation that I believe would benefit from my input but I am also SUPER vigilant against sticking my nose in where it is not wanted.  I always think that I am being too apologetic and hesitate to help - - - but my nearest and dearest tell me that I can be a little overbearing.  It sucks when you are trying to be nice and people just think you are being a know-all *** !

How the hell can any of us get this stuff right between ourselves?  I try to stick with a small circle - but it can be exhausting maintain safe relationships with everybody.

I'm sorry to hear. But ur right it's great that this community is here where w can all support each other that's why I join as well

I’m sorry to read this. Unfortunately, I have had a few examples of this in the past too.

It’s moments like this where it is nice to have somewhere to turn to though. 

Hi, I'm sorry ur feeling like this totally valid. It sucks how mean people can be some times. Earlier this year I helped a girl at school with some work she got chatty with me and she was so nice I decided to help her out and after the work was done she completely blanked me and hasn't spoken since. I was so upset after this.

I always try to do my best to help others it's just sad that a lot of people have bad intentions.

Hope ur feeling bit brighter now 

Thank you for the questions. They are really worth reflecting on. It’s actually good to see and consider the context of what I was describing again. 

Catlover said:

We also need to realise that sometimes, people need to be asked for help, as they might not realise it’s required. I am terrible for asking. And when I think I have asked, really I’ve just made a round about statement. 

I can see the truth in this statement too now. Though, it was not something I had considered myself. Another great example of how helpful this place is. Thank you. Perhaps this describes me too.