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Right and wrong

Oakling

I’m feeling quite frustrated today and I’m trying to put it into words to make sense of why. Please feel free to either chime in with your thoughts on the matter, or totally ignore this post, as I suppose it’s a bit of a rant of sorts.

I think rules are very important to me. I use them to live my life. I know when something is right or wrong in my eyes and I try to uphold myself in a way that impacts those around me in as positive a way as I can.

With that in mind, perhaps it is the case that others don’t have as strict a moral code, or perhaps what registers on their radar is different to mine. 

And this is where, I suppose, my feelings of being let down have crept in. Recently, I dropped everything to help someone. Put hours into it. But since then, I’ve had very little back. They have had what they needed from me, but haven’t thought to reciprocate. I’m not going to lie, I’m finding it a bit upsetting. I don’t want to stop helping people, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t be followed up. I didn’t do it for recognition, but at the very least a thank you, or good job, wouldn’t hurt.

I have fairly strict guidelines on how I carry myself, and I assume everyone does the same (and that those guidelines align with mine). But it’s moments like these where that assumption crashes down in front of me. I always make sure my gratitude is shown when someone puts any effort into my betterment, so why don’t others. Or is it that they show it in a way I miss?

People aren’t mind readers, and yet I almost expect them to be. I expect them to know when they have negatively impacted me, even with no clues from myself. This is, I think, where the problem stems from. I have always been like this, and I hate it.

Apologies. Maybe this was more of a rant than I intended.

Parents
  • Oakling said:
    I have fairly strict guidelines on how I carry myself, and I assume everyone does the same (and that those guidelines align with mine).

    This is a bad assumption and not true, unfortunately. Most people don't have guidelines. Most people are at the mercy of their emotions and do whatever feels good, or doesn't make themselves feel bad, and that might not align with what you feel is just. Most people are very selfish. Some people are psychopaths and will try to actively exploit you.

    The best advice, is never ever do something with the expectation of reciprocation or thanks or praise. That's not a selfless act, you're doing it for yourself, for the things you expect to happen if the other person has the same way of thinking as you.

    Do something for others expecting nothing in return, or do nothing for others.

    Autistic people tend to have a strong sense of fairness and justice, which is not reflected in neurotypicals, who have no problem with lying and cheating, and in many cases, are not aware of it and feel nothing about it.

Reply
  • Oakling said:
    I have fairly strict guidelines on how I carry myself, and I assume everyone does the same (and that those guidelines align with mine).

    This is a bad assumption and not true, unfortunately. Most people don't have guidelines. Most people are at the mercy of their emotions and do whatever feels good, or doesn't make themselves feel bad, and that might not align with what you feel is just. Most people are very selfish. Some people are psychopaths and will try to actively exploit you.

    The best advice, is never ever do something with the expectation of reciprocation or thanks or praise. That's not a selfless act, you're doing it for yourself, for the things you expect to happen if the other person has the same way of thinking as you.

    Do something for others expecting nothing in return, or do nothing for others.

    Autistic people tend to have a strong sense of fairness and justice, which is not reflected in neurotypicals, who have no problem with lying and cheating, and in many cases, are not aware of it and feel nothing about it.

Children
  • in reply to Untoward

    Hi - reading this and thought, at long last some people who feel just as confused as I do!

    Over the years I've learnt to be selfish and not help people unless they directly ask for it.  I save energy and avoid the backlash if I've overstepped the mark.

    Some people are downright nasty though.  I'd say offer your help: wait for them to ask.  Even then you might find those who simply wish to take and not show thanks.