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Right and wrong

Oakling

I’m feeling quite frustrated today and I’m trying to put it into words to make sense of why. Please feel free to either chime in with your thoughts on the matter, or totally ignore this post, as I suppose it’s a bit of a rant of sorts.

I think rules are very important to me. I use them to live my life. I know when something is right or wrong in my eyes and I try to uphold myself in a way that impacts those around me in as positive a way as I can.

With that in mind, perhaps it is the case that others don’t have as strict a moral code, or perhaps what registers on their radar is different to mine. 

And this is where, I suppose, my feelings of being let down have crept in. Recently, I dropped everything to help someone. Put hours into it. But since then, I’ve had very little back. They have had what they needed from me, but haven’t thought to reciprocate. I’m not going to lie, I’m finding it a bit upsetting. I don’t want to stop helping people, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t be followed up. I didn’t do it for recognition, but at the very least a thank you, or good job, wouldn’t hurt.

I have fairly strict guidelines on how I carry myself, and I assume everyone does the same (and that those guidelines align with mine). But it’s moments like these where that assumption crashes down in front of me. I always make sure my gratitude is shown when someone puts any effort into my betterment, so why don’t others. Or is it that they show it in a way I miss?

People aren’t mind readers, and yet I almost expect them to be. I expect them to know when they have negatively impacted me, even with no clues from myself. This is, I think, where the problem stems from. I have always been like this, and I hate it.

Apologies. Maybe this was more of a rant than I intended.

  • in reply to Oakling

    Indeed.  And this is not something that is limited to us Aspies......I don't think Johnny Mercer fits our bill, but from what I read, he would share our sentiment these days.  Why are so many humans so dismissive of the needs of other souls?  How have such a huge swathe of the human population become so detached from the concept of "care"?

  • in reply to Catlover
    Catlover said:
    And when I think I have asked, really I’ve just made a round about statement

    Story of my life!

  • I can relate. I have strong morals, including some rules I made for myself that others don’t care about.

    How close is this person you helped? What are they like most of the time? Have they helped you before? What did you expect back, and when? Did you ask them for the help that you needed?

    I ask because I think it makes a difference. Someone close to you who’s helped in the past might just be absorbed in the moment. I don’t like to make excuses for people, but I do like to think of the reasons why they do/don’t do what we expect.

    We also need to realise that sometimes, people need to be asked for help, as they might not realise it’s required. I am terrible for asking. And when I think I have asked, really I’ve just made a round about statement. 

    Some others might indeed be all about themselves. But only you would know, since you know this person and gave your time to them.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Sadly, I think it is for a lot of us. I just wish I could understand why. It baffles me to think that someone can go through life without thinking of others.

  • Oakling said:
    Recently, I dropped everything to help someone. Put hours into it. But since then, I’ve had very little back. They have had what they needed from me, but haven’t thought to reciprocate

    This is the soundtrack to my life!

  • in reply to Desmond79

    Sadly that's true. I've been used and hurt a few times now.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thank you for sharing. I can relate to many of the points you have made, so I appreciate your response.

    I find number 1 tough. Not because I disagree, but rather, I feel disappointed that I forget this so often. Not just disappointed in them, but also in me for forgetting.

    The thing is, I don’t want to stop helping if there is something I can offer, but it’s just tiring to always be the one giving only to not have a second thought spared on you.

    Number 6 resonates too. I too was, in my opinion, quite forward in my needs. Perhaps they were just ignored. Maybe it is that simple after all.

    Unknown said:
    People aren't mind readers and neither are we. There seems to be rules which go around but no-one actually follows. This is where I think a lot of autistic people find confusion.

    This is definitely a source of confusion to me.

    Thanks again.

  • This is interesting and I have a few observations as I can relate to it.

    1. Some people are selfish.

    2. I've been in a smiliar position recently and said to myself "perhaps they were having a bad day themselves" however I don't feel it should be taken out on me.

    3. I wonder if a lot of the time I don't explain myself in a way they can relate to. So they dont think there's much of a problem when actually there is.

    4. I try not to expect things back from others. I think we measure other people on how we see ourselves and often if we have high expectations of ourselves other people cannot match this and we end up let down.

    5. While I think most friendships / relationships there's usually one who gives more than the other however there's an element of common courtesy in friendship.

    6. I was blunt and did what I thought was best / what other people do and said outright to a friend "I need help" and it kind of backfired. I don't know how else I'm supposed to say that I need help without actually saying it.

    7. People aren't mind readers and neither are we. There seems to be rules which go around but no-one actually follows. This is where I think a lot of autistic people find confusion.