New special interest causing relationship tension

Hi there, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It is so lovely to know I am not alone, as you say. 

The tips that you've given, and those others have too, are really useful and I will definitely implement them. I agree that it seems like it will always need management to some degree, and that's OK!

Thanks again for your reply. Have a lovely day.

Yes - I think you are right on all fronts.  The unpredictability of when "it" will strike and how well I can manage "it" when it happens only compounds the frustration of my unpredictability to those who must live with me!  I'm glad I'm not them.......I have said on many occasion that I'm probably not worth the bloody agg! 

I love posts like this because I have experienced much the same as you by the sounds of it so it's reassuring to know it's not just me. 

As others have already said so well - I find structure is key for this. Allocating myself and letting my wife know about this set time for me to do my thing and have my fix of it. I tend to find then afterwards I find it much easier to not constantly bang on about it. 

I've also found it really useful to communicate when I am feeling flooded by certain thoughts. I.e "I can't stop thinking about tattoo designs" which lets my wife know what is going on in my head and I am struggling with it. 

I hope you can work through this. It's one of those ongoing issues for me that will forever need a bit of management! 

I quite like it when I find something very niche about my brain and behaviours that I only share with a few other souls - but I don't imagine this is one of them?  Time will tell.

~ hey, that went in my eyes......muuuummmm, she's splashing me !!!

It looks like we are puddle sitting, indeed. Splish splash! 

........or we can just sit in our respective puddles together, I guess!  I hope you have a good Sunday.

Hi,

I await the tsunami! 

Take care x

You are welcome - and I am equally pleased to see that you share one of my issues too.

I note that you are new to these pages....sometimes there is a weird tsunami of opinions and comment that will hit a thread all at once, often after hours or days of nothing....I expect others will chime in with their experiences and opinion soon enough.

Stay sane.

Hi there, thanks so much for your reply. I'm relieved to hear that I'm not alone.

My special interest can feel like an obsession and like you described, almost like an addiction where you work towards the next 'hit'. I think this concept is hard for some people to understand, especially those who are not autistic.

It's a very good tip to be open about what's happening. I have often felt the need to hide my special interest and my research out of shame and guilt so I do need to work on being more honest and open. My special interest is dolls and babies which my partner finds hard to understand, so sometimes when I talk about it I am met with an eye-roll or a face of disgust or confusion and this makes it hard for me to keep being honest. 

It is not my partner's fault that she doesn't understand my special interest but it makes it harder as it becomes something shameful and something to be hidden, which leads to other issues!

It is also a very good tip that you had about seeing the special interest as a goal and using it as self discipline. I think that would help me. I will try and do this.

I think my partner would find it very hard to see me totally overcome with my special interest, but maybe this is a better way than what's happening currently. Who knows. I will definitely talk to her about it.

Thanks so much again for your reply, it really helps me to feel like I am not alone and now I have some helpful tips from you and the other person who replied.

Have a good day!

Hi Kate, thank you so much for your lovely reply to my post.

I am lucky that I do have such an amazing supportive partner, but it has been very difficult recently. My special interest is dolls and she finds this very odd and hard to understand and that makes me feel weird and guilty, which adds to the problem. I end up hiding it from her and trying to be secretive which obviously is not a good way to be in a relationship.

Luckily we have been able to make space for each other to tell each other how we feel and we have vowed to keep being honest. It's just very tricky when her truth hurts me and mine hurts her. What a pickle!

Your idea of a timetable is a great one, and one we've already discussed. I think we are definitely going to talk more about that so I can get a better balance. It's almost like an obsession though, my special interest, like an addiction and I can't get enough! Very hard to navigate.

I am a very open and honest person who is willing to work on myself and be open and communicative about issues with a partner, as you said good relationships are hard to find and need investment and work just like anything does. 

I really love my partner and we have a wonderful relationship and I hope that with your advice and time it will feel easier.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

X

Hi Lydia.  You are not alone with your predicament.  You talk of your partners guilt - but I bet you feel the most guilt of all?  I know that is my case.

Anyway, I have three strategies for myself when I find that an obsessional "flow state" is hitting me - almost always into my special interest;

Firstly, I warn everyone what is going on in my head.  This alleviates some of my guilt and allows others to make alternative arrangements for the impending days.  Being allowed to settle to what my brain demands is better for everyone when it first strikes up.  Initially, surrender is the only option for me.

Secondly, I actively allow myself to entirely over-indulge.  Don't sleep, don't eat properly, block everything and try to overload myself to the point of being sick of it myself.  This doesn't always work - but sometimes it does.  Its like deliberately over-inflating a balloon - it will burst eventually - and then I find it easier to re-configure my brain into a more appropriate balance whilst I catch up on sleep.  Not a healthy solution, but one that I have found to work.

Thirdly. self discipline.  Use your special interest as a goal - say to yourself "I'm going to get other things done (almost like chores) before I will allow myself to settle down with my special interest again."  Your partner won't want to be called a "chore", but I have found that it is better to be honest with people when I hit one of these obsessional flow states.  It's a bit like being on heroin for me (I would imagine) where the only thing that matters, is my next "hit."

One final piece of advice - be careful what you allow yourself to become embroiled with.  Certain things are too dangerous for me to entertain in a casual mental manner.  Some topics and activities are like catnip to me, so I steer clear of them.

Good luck - and don't beat yourself up - our brains are a fierce master!

 That’s tricky isn’t it? You obviously have a really good relationship with your partner and it would be a terrible shame if that were to become damaged by your special interest. She sounds quite understanding from what you say - which is great. Perhaps you need to work out some sort of timetable of when you spend time on your special interest and when you give your full attention to your partner and other things? That way you’ll have times every day  when you put your special interest aside temporarily and you make your partner your priority and gets your full attention. It’s important that you let her know that your special interest - although you love it - is not more important to you than your relationship. Really good relationships are hard to find and should be treasured and invested (at least - if you genuinely want the relationship to continue). Good luck x