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New special interest causing relationship tension

Lydia

I am a recently diagnosed autistic woman. I am in a loving communicative relationship and live with my partner who is also a woman.

I have recently re-discovered my special interest, which is one which I have always had but have squashed down inside me due to shame and societal pressure. It has been a very exciting journey learning all about this special interest again, starting collecting things and absorbing myself in it.

Unfortunately this has lead to me not feeling/being present in 'real life' much. I find the special interest takes over my brain, I think about it all the time and want to research it all the time and my partner feels I am not present in the relationship and that I am not giving the relationship the attention it needs. This makes me very sad as I love my partner so much but I am also so excited about the special interest. She feels jealous and guilty for feeing bad as she knows I love her and knows I am autistic. We have talked a lot about this and I agree that it is becoming a problem and I feel as though I've 'checked out' from real life a bit and I cannot stop thinking about the special interest.

Is this happening because the special interest is 'new'? Has anyone else had this experience? Has anything helped? I feel very alone as not many people understand it as I have only one autistic friend.

Parents

  •  That’s tricky isn’t it? You obviously have a really good relationship with your partner and it would be a terrible shame if that were to become damaged by your special interest. She sounds quite understanding from what you say - which is great. Perhaps you need to work out some sort of timetable of when you spend time on your special interest and when you give your full attention to your partner and other things? That way you’ll have times every day  when you put your special interest aside temporarily and you make your partner your priority and gets your full attention. It’s important that you let her know that your special interest - although you love it - is not more important to you than your relationship. Really good relationships are hard to find and should be treasured and invested (at least - if you genuinely want the relationship to continue). Good luck x 

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  •  That’s tricky isn’t it? You obviously have a really good relationship with your partner and it would be a terrible shame if that were to become damaged by your special interest. She sounds quite understanding from what you say - which is great. Perhaps you need to work out some sort of timetable of when you spend time on your special interest and when you give your full attention to your partner and other things? That way you’ll have times every day  when you put your special interest aside temporarily and you make your partner your priority and gets your full attention. It’s important that you let her know that your special interest - although you love it - is not more important to you than your relationship. Really good relationships are hard to find and should be treasured and invested (at least - if you genuinely want the relationship to continue). Good luck x 

Children
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Hi Kate, thank you so much for your lovely reply to my post.

    I am lucky that I do have such an amazing supportive partner, but it has been very difficult recently. My special interest is dolls and she finds this very odd and hard to understand and that makes me feel weird and guilty, which adds to the problem. I end up hiding it from her and trying to be secretive which obviously is not a good way to be in a relationship.

    Luckily we have been able to make space for each other to tell each other how we feel and we have vowed to keep being honest. It's just very tricky when her truth hurts me and mine hurts her. What a pickle!

    Your idea of a timetable is a great one, and one we've already discussed. I think we are definitely going to talk more about that so I can get a better balance. It's almost like an obsession though, my special interest, like an addiction and I can't get enough! Very hard to navigate.

    I am a very open and honest person who is willing to work on myself and be open and communicative about issues with a partner, as you said good relationships are hard to find and need investment and work just like anything does. 

    I really love my partner and we have a wonderful relationship and I hope that with your advice and time it will feel easier.

    Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

    X