Feel so Isolated with my "close" friends

Hi Alex

Thank you for your help. The appointment with my psychologist went ok, I am still waiting for them to call to offer me support.

Hi Hawk256,

I hope that this community can provide at least some venue for you to talk to people about your experiences. You can find NAS services in your area on our website, or search our directory to see what else is on offer.

I hope your meeting with your psychologist goes well.

Best wishes,

Alex R

Hi Hawk

Your comment "Although when I'm at work, I feel really happy and I'm not stressed there because I feel less lonely, and it has become part of my routine now to be there everyday so that's probably why. "

is very interesting because I believe structured activities be it work or socially is better because it gives us a framework and a structure for the mind to work within and less stressful because it is more predictable. Your communication is relative to the activity say ten-pin bowling or talking about the movie you saw. So I believe clear function is paramount for a person with autism to have social inclusion and thus better social communication and not feel so lonely or misunderstood.

It is good you are getting guidance in this matter.

Hi Alex

Thank you very much for your response. I have been to see my psychologist today and she said that I'm currently on the waiting list for someone to support ,e with my communication skills and my rituals.

I think I mainly need support to be normal like others in terms of coping to go out and not feeling stressed and thinking that I could of been doing something better on my own than with others. I feel like communicating with my friends are also difficult now after I known I had aspergers because I feel annoyed easily when they say things like the other day, 2 of my friends were saying that I shouldn't of said what I said and that I was wrong but I said it for a reason because I thought it was a threat which was targetted at me yet they both were saying things to me teaming up on me, that's why I got really annoyed, stressed and depressed, the thing what made it worse was one of them who was saying things to me also has aspergers yet they don't understand what I explained to them!

I just don't feel like I "fit in" with anyone because of the communication skills. I have difficulty in it but I speak ok when it's someone I know really well. I was that what made me feel isolated because now they go out without me, 2 of the friends go together to the cinema without me because they're in a relationship and the other 2 mates I'm just annoyed about, they go without me, we only all go out with eachother on Saturdays, So yeah, I'm the odd one out out of the whole group apparently.

Although when I'm at work, I feel really happy and I'm not stressed there because I feel less lonely, and it has become part of my routine now to be there everyday so that's probably why.

But thank you for offering the help, I really do want it depending on if the location is local and the costs because of my anxiety to go to new places that I don't know, I can't do that and plus the times I work, I won't have enough time to go to these support places unfortunatly, I find that I am very commited to work as well and it's really important to me because it's the first job I sucesfully got and I feel really happy I achieved it! But today my psychologist said I can discuss the times when I can attend these support sessions so it's ok. Hopefully it'll be after 5ish.

It is just mainly I need someone to talk to to discuss how I feel and someone who listens and cares. Thank you for listening.

Hawk,

I'd like to help, on behalf of the NAS. Can you say more clearly what sort of thing you're looking for, though? The early 20s are tough for almost everyone, I think. There are people and services that can help, depending on what you're after.

As for people using language you don't understand - please just ask what they mean. I don't think anyone here will mind if you're direct.

Best wishes,

Alex R - mod

Thank you very much longman, it isn't your answers that are not helpful it's just my way I can understand things, but I do hope someone here does understand what I mean and what my problem is because I don't even understand myself.

But you have shown that you care which is one of the greatest support you offered because I needed someone who cared. I feel sorry for your situation and I hope that phrase isn't taken rudely because I don't mean to be rude, it's just my communication difficulties, I hope things get better for you as well!

I just get depressed and stressed and I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone most of the time, I have to deal with colour rituals everyday, continuous negative thoughts that something bad would happen if I don't do the rituals, but I'm going to see my psychologist soon so hopefully things would start to get better from there.

Problem is Hawk, I think we are not answering your question directly enough. I'm not sure my three times older perspective is able to be helpful.

Answers on here are sometimes hi-jacked by individual agendas, and I can understand you not understanding words that haven't really addressed your concerns.

Are there any discussants out there nearer Hawk in age who can answer Hawk's questions more appropriately?

Or failing that can the NAS moderator offer something?

Otherwise I fear Hawk's very genuine needs aren't going to be met because the responses are from much older respondents with their own agendas (me included).

But there must be younger voices with aspergers whpo can offer good advice.

I just can't, sorry about this, it's just the language is too complex at times and I don't understand what you both are trying to say :(,

although it has helped for the words I did understand from you both, that's probably why I'm going to stay on these forums and discussions when I feel stressed and depressed and I have something on my mind. There's probably a better chance for you all to understand it.

thank you longman and autismtwo for replying, I agree with you for me needing a mentor that does describe it what I do really want to be honest. The only problem is, yes, it's really difficult for me to have anyone like that because I don't get on well with most people in my family because I just find it really difficult to speak to them and I get confused or shy over conversations with relatives I haven't spoken to for a while.

Today there was a family dinner, I just ate dinner with the family, not saying a single word like I usually do that anyway, then after I finished eating, I went back upstairs on my computer feeling bored as well , I went downstairs because I wanted to ask my Uncle something but he was talking to my Sister, I just feel I don't fit in with the family most of the time like they don't want to talk to me about what questions I wanted answered.

I love my life with sucessfully getting the apprenticeship and all that, that's probably the only thing what made me happy and more confident in myself for quite a while now, but unlike my sister who is "normal" going to parties, fitting in with everyone else in the family very well, I can't and I find it more challenging which is prabably why it makes me feel stressed and depressed at times.

There's a girl who's like only a few months older than me where I work and she's in a higher role than I am but I know it's probably because I have aspergers, I need things explained to me in the most clearest, simplest way possible otherwise I get confused, and the social side really does worry me in the workplace because I just don't know how to communicate with other people, like it's hard to explain, I can communicate but it gives me a lot of anxiety after I said something because I don't know what the other person thought of what I said, like I think, was that what I was meant to say, it sounded a bit rude? or was it ok?

I agree longman, a mentor, the positive role figure is good. With the government breaking up the nuclear family(2.1) to keep the breeding figures down and for other polices, there is no jobs for the youth available and therefore lack of identity and direction to follow.

In 20 years time they will be saying What became of the people we used to NOT to be.

Things don't necessarily calm down for young people without a disability. For people on the spectrum it can be very difficult, especially if there are delays (as certainly seems to have applied to me -staggered early, mid and late twenties).

What Hawk needs right now is a mentor. Someone to provide some support. It might be a sympathetic aunt or other relative. It might be someone a few years older who knows him. But I guess it is hard to find such allies with AS in the way.

Hope it sorts out Hawk.  It will be tough for a bit, but everyone's youthfull circle of friends seems to go their own way, and you have to form new allegiances or go it alone.

Have you ever seen the repeats of the series The Likely Lads, being all that's left as it were of a circle of friends, one marrying but not settling down, and one failing to marry and being the unwelcome third a lot of the time? I think the scriptwriters got very good insight there. The date may be thirty years in the past but the issues are still valid.

Similar to longmans reply, the age of rebellion starts at 17, when you rebel from your parents, teachers and peers behaviours so you form your own personal ego, which is a hybrid of all these experiences, basically people see you going of the edge. But you are just re-setting your own norms by rebeling,, it is natural identity psychology and is healthy.

However with AS, this can be belated, personally speaking my rebellion phase is maybe just happening,, in my 40's,,, lol.

Rebel without a cause

Anyway, things will calm down, when you wish them too.

If you were rich, you could get it out your system by traveling around the world for a couple of years and get it out your system, before returning home to marry Lady Astor and joining your fathers city firm, or you could become a teddy boy or mod and smash up blackpool in the summer. Or if you are brave have no identity. The good, the bad, the ugly and the unknown. The gold was found in the unknown grave

Hawk, what you are describing happens with transition from teens to early 20s without a disability issue, it just makes it considerably worse having aspergers.

There's a mass of literature and film about early 20s angst. I'm reading one at the moment - Stephen King's "Joyland". The friends you made at school will start to go their separate ways, and there is this gradual break up that leaves everyone isolated in some way or other.

The difficulty with aspergers is breaking away from the security of one group (even one that's disintegrating) and forming new circles of friends. If its hard for every 22 year old its harder by a long way for one with AS.

Trouble is the solutions aren't out there. We are still a "parents on behalf of kids with autism" driven disability. The whole transition thing is under-researched and underfunded. With all the money invested in books on autism/aspergers, its one conspicuous area with a lack of literature and guidance.

I don't envy you the pain of this transition (even though I went through it myself without the diagnosis, in an age when the diagnosis didn't exist). But I was already a loner by then, and could keep myself well occupied if I didn't have to socialise. I left school poorly qualified owing to coping problems, and had a lot of short term disasterous jobs between 18 and 21, then went to university and did a whole lot better. But even at 22 I remember it was such a struggle, with no-one around who had any understanding or was any help.

What shocks me is, forty years on, the situation has hardly improved. 

And I guess 90% of the parents on here are still dreaming of some sort of reprieve when their kid reaches 20 or 22. So no-one has done anything about it.

Hawk you will have to find a balance in there, as with aspergers you can become overwhelmed and neurotic, but at the same time you need company of peers. Try and find a halfway house between both worlds. Good Luck