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Bad thoughts

Laura

I'm struggling with my thoughts lately. 

I do struggle mentally. I have done for a couple of years since my sister passed away. Her death was a huge shock and a massive change which I've been unable to adjust to. I started to self harm after and I still do that now, I can't stop. It's like the cutting and burning just soothes the pain I go through. My mental struggles are horrible, I've struggled with suicide and depression and have PTSD. On top of the ASD it's all so overwhelming. I'm with MH services but they don't understand my ASD at all and completely disregard it. At the start of the year they shoved me in hospital and left me there months it was horrible.

I grew up in a bad house, my sister and I got hurt all the time. Our parents weren't like most parents, I'm sure that's why I struggle so much now. It put me off people from the word go. The ASD doesn't help, I'm no good with people. I can't interact with anyone, my anxiety gets bad and I freeze up can't say anything.

Sometimes I just really want to die and other times I really want to live. My mind is a constant buzz. 

I'm here now to meet others like me, hopefully find advice and support and maybe I can help some others in the same boat.

  • I suffer from anxiety and autism.  I am so sorry to hear about your sister and your experience in hospital.  I am also no good with people, especially with small talk and with eye contact.  You’ll find a lot of people like you and you will make friends here, I’m sure.

  • I don't know how old you are or anything about your personal circumstances, but I I would recommend getting a local private therapist. I have a psychotherapist I use who has saved and made my life. It's not cheap, but if you can find the money it'll be worth it. You maybe eligible for funding under "Patients Right to Choose", but you could discuss this with them or your GP.

  • I do that freeze too, when someone gets in my way and stops accidently and then notice me

    Laura said:
    My mind is a constant buzz. 

    Oh yes, and I love it, just give it food (info to mill over) and you'll be fine, allowing it to wonder aimlessly is risky bussiness

    I did write a very childish poem about it:

    I am like a sponge

    ready to absorb it all

    only to find out later on

    that the hunger grew too

    alongside of me

    and he wants more

  • Sorry to hear about your sister. It must be unimaginably difficult to lose the person who really understood the trauma you both went through as children. I am sure your sister would not want you to harm yourself.

    You are right that MH services don't understand autism. I have been on the receiving end of that, as have many others on here. Your experience of being left in hospital for so long sounds horrific. Hospitals are not good environments for autistic people to be in at all. Did you have a MH advocate to speak up for you?

    Your MH team should be following the MH Act Code of Practice https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/code-of-practice-mental-health-act-1983 and maybe they need reminding of chapter 20 if they try to hospitalise you again:

    the least restrictive way of achieving the proposed assessment or treatment must be identified (see paragraph 14.11) and for people with learning disabilities or autism, this means they should usually be treated in the community. Inappropriate care in a hospital can lead to a worsening of challenging behaviour, which can cause a negative cycle of feelings of frustration leading to challenging behaviour and increased restriction of liberty.

    Try and remember and hold on to those times when you really want to live. Write down your thoughts when you feel like that. Then you have a visual reminder when you experience those bad thoughts. You have remind yourself that you have felt positive about life before and that you will do so again.

    I suffer from severe anxiety and situational mutism too. It's tough. 

    I hope that you will find it helpful to be here. You will find so much more understanding on here than from MH services for sure.

  • i get alot of depression and sucidal thoughts, infact my depression ended up making me get a job thinking that would help, it sorta did for a while now i kinda feel the background depression that i used to ignore at home more at work now and its probably worse to cope with.

    but i generally have a mental safety net to prevent suicide in a last ditch plan... my plan is to just give everything up and buy a cheap yacht and live on the scottish sea lochs out of a yacht on whatever savings i have. that substitutes a literal suicide for a more.... quitting everything sorta social suicide... so if i do snap i would try that first before i fall to the depths of absolute no going back suicide.

    such a safety net like that needs to be blissfull and something youd look forward to, and to me thats a quiet life in a yacht on a sheltered wilderness coast where hopefully id be forever left alone with just me and nature.