Advice re an oppressive comment

It goes both ways- neurotypical people can also be difficult for us, hence The Double Empathy Problem. 

‘That's why we're here, to be in the company of others who understand those difficulties, right?’

The reason why this autistic community is so great and important because we just understand and relate to each other instinctively.

For neurotypical people I guess Autistic people can be difficult. I know this to be true from personal experience, it's just a fact. Doesn't mean it's wrong or any bad reflection on you. That's why we're here, to be in the company of others who understand those difficulties, right?

Don’t let other people’s inaccurate assumptions make you feel bad about yourself.

If a situation is difficult, the environment needs changing to suit your autistic neurology, you are not a ‘difficult’ person.

Regardless of neurology, we all have different ways of coping with situations. This doesn’t mean we are difficult, it just affirms that we are human.

Definitely. Everyone has a right to be. I think of it like two peoplele from different cultures, speaking different languages. The situation is "difficult", not the people. But if both make an effort, it can become easier, even rewarding. If only one side makes the effort, they collapse trying.

Wise and affirming words Dawn. Thank you. Definitely helps to hear the perspectives in here and choose to internalise that rather than slip into masking up again and driving myself into mental health problems. Thanks for taking the time. x

Hi Nya. Some folks don't get it. You can try to enlighten them. One day between us we will produce more understanding, but we can't force people.

No, we aren't "difficult" people in that sense. I do hope you won't internalise that view of yourself. However, to be fair, just as we find it "difficult" to grasp the NT world, the NT world finds it "difficult" to understand us.

Difference is, we spend our whole lives trying to understand. We have to  We are the minority group. They are the majority and haven't always understood they need to try too and meet us half way.

You aren't "difficult", Nya, although the situation may well be for you and them. Education is the key. We keep educating, huh?

Thanks very much everyone. Learning I have taken from this experience is that difficult is a VERY triggering word for me. At least I know that now. The person concerned has since apologised after I put my worries in writing to them so they had time to reflect. The responses from the community here helped me get through the day. Worryingly, the response from the moderator didn't, as really that served to categorise me as the problem and with potentially challenging behaviour.  I agree that everyone can be difficult sometimes, and I really like the sentiment that different doesn't need to automatically mean difficult. Thanks again. Nya 

Yes, I would say that some over-confident, entitled, pushy and demanding neurotypicals can be very 'difficult' indeed.

I'd actually say it's other people around me who are difficult. I'm not saying it's not always me but it works both ways. Double empathy problem....

People have told me Im difficult or over sensitive or easily upset my whole life. I know Im not, thats the thing. It can be tough for the people around me when I have meltdowns and anxiety but being autistic doesnt make me a "difficult" person. Difficult suggests that you are an unpleasant person to be around and to try and get on with and you dont sound like you are.

Just because you react to things in a different way or see things differently from others does not make you any more difficult than they are

Remember different does not mean difficult 

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and your thoughts are really helpful. N

Autistic people can be difficult. I'm an autistic person and I know this to be true. That difficulty is a double edged sword though. It comes with fresh perspective and valuable honesty. Many important and valuable things are difficult. Brain surgery is difficult but very important. And even if we are difficult that's not an excuse for ignoring or sidelining us. I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

NAS81985 said:

to stop overthinking things and that everyone is on the spectrum.

Blimey!  That's a bit of a no-no from a "helper"!  So much "help" out there is designed for the non autistic majority and might not help us.  In fact it might even damage us or set us back so we do need to be careful. 

I would strongly recommend either Aucademy or Ausome Training.  Indeed, and as you will see from my other posts, I'm thinking of having a consultation with Chloe Farahar of Aucademy myself.  Plus they also have a Facebook group with regular Zoom meetups, which I also attend from time to time - not the same as therapy, I know, but I nonetheless find it quite therapeutic and very understanding.  

aucademy.co.uk/.../ 

So sorry you are struggling but I think it really does help to belong to commnities that are unlikely to make you feel as though you're the problem.  We have problems certainly, but I believe that many of those are caused by people and environments who are not very aware, not very understanding and often, beneath a thin veneer, quite judgemental.  Help needs to genuinely person-centred (which in my book means person-led and not simply clustered around the individual in the ways in which services which aren't autism-friendly might deem appropriate because they find us "challenging") and therefore tailored to the individual. 

Thank you Jenny, your thoughts are really helpful. I agree that I find the directory very hard to navigate and so have given up. I would love to speak to someone to get some of these thoughts out of my head, but last time I did that the person on the phone told me to stop overthinking things and that everyone is on the spectrum. I'm too scared of contacting a non-specialist crisis line again in case it further confirms that I am the problem. Maybe I am. But I'd rather communicate with someone/an organisation that understands things from a neurodiverse perspective. I'm really really struggling today.

The challenging behaviour link also refers to PBS and what is called a "person-centred" approach but which then seems to focus on teaching skills, often to those with co-occurring learning disabilities, so, yes, some clarification would be very helpful here.  

My concern is that some of the advice might descend into quite basic behaviourism when it isn't appropriate and without considering the double empathy problem, and perhaps also ignore the various issues relating to being in a minority.  So any clarification you could provide would be very useful here, Sarah.

I also notice that the directory is referred to quite a lot but, speaking for myself here (although Nya and others might find the same), I find it hard to sift through and know whether any of the organisations listed can help with my issues - is there anyone at the NAS who can guide and signpost on an individual basis?

Hi Sarah

Please help me understand if I've missed your point: Your links are about challenging behaviour, which serves to confirm that I am being 'difficult'? The context of the comment from my support person came as I was reflecting on an online group I went to and said that I didn't connect with everyone there, but that it was good overall. He then said autistic people can be difficult. I think the links you have shared are based on an assumption that I was demonstrating some kind of challenging behaviour at the time this conversation started? Or, am I just completely wrong and potentially was just being difficult? I'm very susceptible to believing what other people tell me about myself, so would appreciate some clarification so I am not working on a wrong assumption.

Many thanks

Nya

Hi Nya, Sorry to hear you are having a tough time and totaly understand the word 'difficult' in relation to autism being upsetting! I have linked to some information below that might be useful, I usually send it to parents who struggle to understand the 'difficult' behaviours of thier ASD children but I thought it might help in turning that notion around for you and stop that negative loop.

You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

Hope that helps,

SarahMod