• Replies 12 replies
  • Subscribers 88 subscribers
  • Views 2210 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Advice re an oppressive comment

NAS81985

Hi all

I'm writing as I have recently spiralled into a cycle of shut downs and meltdowns and am struggling to get out as I'm confused. A key person in my support network told me that 'austic people can be difficult'. I challenged this as it felt to me like a stigmatising comment, and using a negative stereotype of autistic people. My issue was the person attempting to justify it and leaving me feeling powerless to continue challenging as by doing so it makes me seem like I am indeed being difficult. I'm also female, and this is often a negative word used against women as well. My mind is now consumed with this label - 'difficult' - and I can't stop obsessing about it. I'm left questioning if I am difficult, and my autism means I can't see it, or if I'm right and this was an oppressive comment, further bolstered by the attempts at justification, and that it's okay for me to maintain my position, or even avoid it completely until this person has had some time to reflect. It's very triggering as before I was diagnosed as an adult I spent my whole life feeling like I was wrong and difficult, and post-diagnosis have been working hard to rid myself of this internalised narrative. This has really set me back.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this, and any advice?

Many thanks

Nya

  • in reply to nukefusion

    It goes both ways- neurotypical people can also be difficult for us, hence The Double Empathy Problem. 

    ‘That's why we're here, to be in the company of others who understand those difficulties, right?’

    The reason why this autistic community is so great and important because we just understand and relate to each other instinctively.

  • For neurotypical people I guess Autistic people can be difficult. I know this to be true from personal experience, it's just a fact. Doesn't mean it's wrong or any bad reflection on you. That's why we're here, to be in the company of others who understand those difficulties, right?

  • in reply to NAS81985

    Don’t let other people’s inaccurate assumptions make you feel bad about yourself.

    If a situation is difficult, the environment needs changing to suit your autistic neurology, you are not a ‘difficult’ person.

    Regardless of neurology, we all have different ways of coping with situations. This doesn’t mean we are difficult, it just affirms that we are human.

  • in reply to NAS81985

    Definitely. Everyone has a right to be. I think of it like two peoplele from different cultures, speaking different languages. The situation is "difficult", not the people. But if both make an effort, it can become easier, even rewarding. If only one side makes the effort, they collapse trying.

  • in reply to Dawn

    Wise and affirming words Dawn. Thank you. Definitely helps to hear the perspectives in here and choose to internalise that rather than slip into masking up again and driving myself into mental health problems. Thanks for taking the time. x

  • Hi Nya. Some folks don't get it. You can try to enlighten them. One day between us we will produce more understanding, but we can't force people.

    No, we aren't "difficult" people in that sense. I do hope you won't internalise that view of yourself. However, to be fair, just as we find it "difficult" to grasp the NT world, the NT world finds it "difficult" to understand us.

    Difference is, we spend our whole lives trying to understand. We have to  We are the minority group. They are the majority and haven't always understood they need to try too and meet us half way.

    You aren't "difficult", Nya, although the situation may well be for you and them. Education is the key. We keep educating, huh?

  • in reply to Martin

    Thanks very much everyone. Learning I have taken from this experience is that difficult is a VERY triggering word for me. At least I know that now. The person concerned has since apologised after I put my worries in writing to them so they had time to reflect. The responses from the community here helped me get through the day. Worryingly, the response from the moderator didn't, as really that served to categorise me as the problem and with potentially challenging behaviour.  I agree that everyone can be difficult sometimes, and I really like the sentiment that different doesn't need to automatically mean difficult. Thanks again. Nya 

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Yes, I would say that some over-confident, entitled, pushy and demanding neurotypicals can be very 'difficult' indeed.

  • in reply to Billy87

    I'd actually say it's other people around me who are difficult. I'm not saying it's not always me but it works both ways. Double empathy problem....

  • People have told me Im difficult or over sensitive or easily upset my whole life. I know Im not, thats the thing. It can be tough for the people around me when I have meltdowns and anxiety but being autistic doesnt make me a "difficult" person. Difficult suggests that you are an unpleasant person to be around and to try and get on with and you dont sound like you are.

    Just because you react to things in a different way or see things differently from others does not make you any more difficult than they are

    Remember different does not mean difficult 

  • Autistic people can be difficult. I'm an autistic person and I know this to be true. That difficulty is a double edged sword though. It comes with fresh perspective and valuable honesty. Many important and valuable things are difficult. Brain surgery is difficult but very important. And even if we are difficult that's not an excuse for ignoring or sidelining us. I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

  • Hi Sarah

    Please help me understand if I've missed your point: Your links are about challenging behaviour, which serves to confirm that I am being 'difficult'? The context of the comment from my support person came as I was reflecting on an online group I went to and said that I didn't connect with everyone there, but that it was good overall. He then said autistic people can be difficult. I think the links you have shared are based on an assumption that I was demonstrating some kind of challenging behaviour at the time this conversation started? Or, am I just completely wrong and potentially was just being difficult? I'm very susceptible to believing what other people tell me about myself, so would appreciate some clarification so I am not working on a wrong assumption.

    Many thanks

    Nya