Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
just wondering if anyone is going through this too? My son is due to return to college very soon after several months out due to mental health problems. He has Selective Mutism and ocd as well as being autistic. If I’m honest I don’t think he’s going to actually be able to bring himself to go back - he’s so incredibly scared and also without hope that it will be any better than last time (and last time he found it so difficult).
im torn between feeling I should encourage him to go back - because he did enjoy some aspects of it - and feeling it’s wrong to put him back into a situation that he found so stressful. Stressful as a word doesn’t even convey it - he found it so hard and felt so lonely. He really wants to make friends but his social anxiety is so extreme that he can’t talk to anyone at all - even being near people is stressful for him. He feels so lonely and isolated in college. However I feel how will he ever overcome these fears and difficulties if he just spends all his time at home with his parents? He’s the most wonderful person - intelligent, funny, kind, caring, empathic - he has so much going for him but other people just don’t see it because around other people he just freezes and can’t be himself - his social anxiety stops him from being able to show people the person he really is.
I feel college presents opportunities for him - but his fear is such that I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to benefit from what it offers - and that instead it will just increase his stress levels and make him feel like a complete failure (that’s what happened last time). He’s lost hope, and lost faith in himself to ever overcome his difficulties. He has a therapist (weekly phone call) but although she’s lovely and he gets some benefit - it’s not enough to make a significant difference to his most serious issues. Last time he was at college they couldn’t offer him specialist support for Selective Mutism - they just said they can’t provide it. He has an EHCP but that doesn’t seem to mean they have to provide specialist support. They outright said they can’t provide it.
what should I do? I’ve made it clear to my son that’s it’s his choice whether or not he goes back. But I don’t even know myself whether or not it’s in his best interests to go back. Also if he leaves education he loses his EHCP I think? I’m wondering if he could do some online learning - would that enable him to keep his EHCP?
has anyone else on here been in a similar position? And advice or shared experience would be really appreciated! thanks
Selective mutism and social anxiety is difficult, I went through college 1 day a week for 5 years and didn't speak much, or enough - and then at work 4 days a week not speaking much or enough, its hard. Its like people who stammer, thinking about the stammer means you will be more likely to stammer. For adults the best way forward would be private therapy, but expensive. I've had to work on it, you have to work on being comfortable with yourself, when not speaking, and not engaging with thoughts about your speech or things you say, and not reacting to what others say or do.
He might need to work on this outside of college, so that he can be more relaxed at college..
Chris Packham the naturalist went through Uni with difficulty talking, yet now a broadcaster - his great passion makes it easier, as most autistic people know talking about things you love or know can be much easier than talking socially.
BBC Presenter Chris Packham Talks Mental Health (wessexscene.co.uk)
Thank you - I really appreciate your reply. My son does too. He feels so stuck and unable to make any progress with social anxiety. I do sometimes wonder if we just have to accept that the college environment is just too much for him - too many people, too much going on. Having said that the idea of an actual job is also really intimidating for him. So what do we do? We don’t really know where to turn for support or what to do. He’s struggling a lot with depression as he’s losing hope of every being able to cope with being around people and talking to people. I have autism too so I often feel inadequate to help him with these things as I struggle myself. I just can’t see a way forward at the moment. We are both struggling. I have a wonderful husband and he’s a great dad too - and he’s the only thing keeping us going at the moment! I feel we need some kind of expert life coach and good therapy but we can’t access either. Chris Packham is wonderful and a real inspiration. thanks for your reply - it helps to know we’re not the only ones struggling in this way.
If college is too much then find out about distance learning he can do, National Careers Advice can help and you can search for courses on their website. Focussing out of your mind to learn or do things is important for autistic people, as much as possible each day, he doesn't need college for that and can work on his SM and SA over time - building confidence will help with those and other things..
Hi Automator,
I think the OU looks really good. I’ve just found out though that my son would lose his EHCP if he studied with the OU - which would be a worry as it would mean he wouldn’t have the option to return to a vocational course after a year with the OU. Without an EHCP he’d have to pay course fees at a FE college which would be in the thousands I think? We’re not sure what the best option is at this point - it’s all a bit last minute.
I think he could study with the OU at some point in the future though - it looks good. He liked the sound of the Natural Sciences course - it’s so interesting.
It does look like it might be suitable - wish we’d looked at this earlier. Bit worried at the prospect of a student loan (hate any form of debt) but it might be worth it if he can continue his education with less stress from the social side of things.