Published on 12, July, 2020
Something I've posted about before, I know, but because of the deep seated and longstanding issues within my family, I'm always on the lookout for further information. Now, I've just been watching this video on "The Burnout Recovery cycle", which admittedly will be useful to some to enable them to plan and cope. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aG_41uh-WAIAnd yes, It might have been useful for me in the past and I can see how it works for a well motivated individual like Paul Micallef. But, like many of the speakers and advocates I follow, there he is looking well groomed, organised and very much in control of his life. I accept that appearances can be deceptive and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors in a person's private life. But even taking that into consideration, this still feels very different from our family problems with burnout. All the speakers and autistic advocates I can find seem very well informed and motivated, not to mention very well groomed and presentable. And within our family we see a very different picture. People who opt out or withdraw altogether, never rejoin society, major difficulties with personal hygiene and too burnout to do very much at all other than very basic things like eating and going to the loo. Motivation is low, especially given the mental health issues that then accumulate (unhelped by services who have been able to offer nothing - we've tried) and anything else is understandably a low priority (if basic survival is a problem, you're not going to be thinking about how greasy your hair is, for example). And they're not really in any position to use self management strategies such as those outlined in this video. If they were, they'd already be well on the way to recovery, with only minor support from others. So... Is this really ALL burnout? Should the term have subdivisions (e.g. to cover a range from brief, episodic burnout that is amenable to self help to almost total collapse and withdrawal)? How can we best support someone in this situation? And where are the videos from people who've recovered from, say, years of burnout and needed significant support in the meantime? Is there anywhere that families can turn for more specific advice and guidance? It's very hard not to feel desperate about this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CXmdkPLrBA&t=444ssecond half of that video, he talks about total knockout burnout, though under different name, appropriate as well. ''mask behind mask, dropping the second mask''
I'll only add about the overwhelming desire to end it, because it feels like the DOOM is going happen anyway, so why not do eutanasia yourself. or how I refer to it ''go seppuku''. While you haven't got power to leave bed, and constantly dwell over how it could be done without leaving flat.
I came up with a clever idea previously, just in case., after I reviewed all possible ways with100% success rate, and not implicating anybody, it turned out that none is feasible indoors,
I thought I sorted that problem at the beginning of adulthood, after failed attempt at the age of 15, so I recognised the chain of thoughts as very familiar rightaway. and to prevent trying something stupid I was making myself to think of those as the only available, and I couldn't go and do any of them, because I couldn't leave bed, and at rare times I did, the thought of going out and encountering some strangers was to terryfying making it impossible a task. more or less.
Hopefully it can be tried as preventive measure by others.
Thank you. And yes, I like the concept of the second mask and actually hadn't come across it before, although I can now see that it's often referred to in passing as the times when a person is masking, often unconsciously, and therefore even from themselves. It's something that I know has been happening for decades in my own case and it's very difficult to separate out the strands - will the real me please step forward?I cannot know, but what I think what's taking place within our family (both currently and with other family members in the past) is that the person is trying very hard to live, burning up all their inner resources to do so, even at the expense of other areas of living which are dropped because when it's down to survival, they're not essential. There are simply no resources left over for engaging with others or most day-to-day tasks. My greatest fear is that even this approach will ultimately fail and that this might well lead to suicidality. But unless the person becomes more open and willing to talk it all through, I don't know how to add to their resources, bolster and support them. Without any engagement, I wouldn't even know whether the person was considering ending their life. Again, I'm an outsider, wanting to be allowed in but not pushing because I'm not invited and it's been made clear that they're following their own strategies.
In my dad's case, I did express concerns to my mother, who reassured me that his religious beliefs were far too strong for him to consider ending it all, and this turned out to be true, although I had my doubts at the time, given the severity of the situation. It went on for years and years though, and it definitely pushed my mother in that direction. I look back and still don't know what we could have done. He became significantly better once he got to retirement age and the shoulds and oughts relating to the workplace fell away (the removal of a signficant stressor, which stayed with him long after he became unable to work). And again when grandchildren started coming (something exciting and motivating which seemed to give him a sense of purpose). Overall, having complete autonomy over his daily routine and a renewed sense of meaning and purpose really helped. But beyond that, I just don't know. A sense of meaning isn't something you can hand to someone. :(
Jenny Butterfly said:A sense of meaning isn't something you can hand to someone.
I said it many times we need it, to do something that gives purpose, starting with a job where you can use your brain not muscle
Exactly. But this sense of purpose would necessarily be intrinsic and anyone supporting someone in that position can only attempt to provide the right conditions and opportunties for this to arise. Plus in serious, chronic burnout the person is in no position to start any job, or even smaller tasks which might gradually lead to that. The videos usually show someone who has somehow bounced back under their own steam, found their own purpose, come back into themselves. And this isn't happening here. Therefore I despair and doubt my ability to keep on keeping on indefinitely.