Diagnosed yesterday….

Good man.  Delighted.  It is hard....many roles...and all on top of your own dastadly head to cope with.  You ALL have my sympathy and support.

Appreciate these words. Therapy is also a good shout.

We are 2.5 years into being new parents, have no help, and both work, so even though I'm shattered from that on top of my new diagnosis and coping processes, she is also shattered.

So I'm doubling down, being even more supportive, and trying to just be kind to myself and to what we all need.

I figure it is nearly spring, the sunlight is soon to return, and god knows I need it.

Just in a dark spot, but will keep plugging away and making little steps forward both as an autist, and artist, and a Dad & Partner

Thanks guys x

Only if you want to - don't feel obligated.  I think I have a good appreciation of roughly where you're at in your head....and "it don't feel great, do it !"   If you would prefer, you can send me a private message whenever...you don't need to be a "friend" to do so - you can just send a message.

Stay sane JT. 

Thanks for this. Had a full on day so will process this and respond soon

Congratulations on your diagnosis! It's a long process but rewarding and worth the wait. 

Would it help to see a couples therapist to discuss dropping your masks together? There are couples therapists out there who are autistic and/or have experience with autism.

JT.

I hear you - and I can see some patterns in your writing that you may not be (sufficiently) aware of that I think are important for you to be aware of......if you are looking to make good decisions at this discombobulating time.

I hope that we "know" each other well enough for you to accept these observations as an attempt at well-intentioned observational advice, but if I overstep below, please forgive me.  I'm autistic, don't you know!!

Firstly, you don't know what she fell in love with about you or why you have managed 16 years together.  Don't be presumptuous and assume that it was your masked NT persona' that she fell in love with.  Love is a deeply curious and magical thing.  She might love "micro-stimming" that you (nor she) have ever been aware of?  She might love your smell?  It might be your crooked...nose?  It is good that you say "I get the feeling she is thinking....."  and that leads me on to my second point.

Secondly, "WORST PART IS, it's begun to eat away at the relationship of my life I COUNT ON." - your words - so FFS, don't let this slip through your fingers because YOU are tired and YOU don't know what the right thing to do now is.  "I'm exhausted" - your words.  "what's the point, it'll never do..." - your words.  .

My advice, for what its worth - based on these observations - is as follows;

DON'T allow your relationship to simply fall apart through misplaced assumptions and lack of attention and effort on your part.  I'm not saying that it should be saved at all costs - perhaps it HAS run its course in light of your diagnosis - but that is not what I see from your writing.  What I see is someone who is tired and fed up, someone who doesn't know what to do next, someone who is feeling sad.

Dude - I've been in very long, very dark, very deep corridors of self-reflective hell, pondering, loathing, grumping, thinking "something entirely new is what I need."  Thankfully, despite my best self-destructive and nihilistic tendencies, good people always gave me a good slap in the right way, at the right time.

Perhaps focus on yourself a little.  Ask for help from her.  Talk to her - honestly, without a mask.  Ask her how SHE actually feels.  If you don't know what your hopes and fears are - ask what hers are.

16 years means something.  Honour the past when you need to look to the future.

My very best wishes - and sorry if this is a bit "preachy" for your taste - I am genuinely only trying to help based on my own EXTENSIVE years of "what the hell must I do" !

Totally. My brother brought me a book called 'Letting Go'. I've been so offended by that flippant gesture that I can't bring myself to speak to him anymore.

The diagnosis has definitely made me feel much more ostracized than before. Before I would feel like I just needed to move on or find new people go try to connect with. Now I know it wasn't just circumstancial, and is in fact that I am different to 99% of society, it's made me feel a lot more like 'whats the point, it'll never do so don't force it'.

Worst part is, it's begun to eat away at the relationship in my life I count on. Been together for 16 years, but her level of understanding is diminishing and I can feel us drifting.

Even though I know I'm a 'normal' ND individual now and should be accepted for who I am, she didn't meet and fall in love with a ND individual so I get the feeling she is thinking it is me that is changing, when in fact I'm just becoming more myself and letting the masks drop because I have to now.

I'm exhausted tbh

I found diagnosis led to an emotional rollercoaster that I'm still not fully off, two years down the line (I was thirty-seven when diagnosed). I also feel sad for my younger self. It takes time to come to terms with that. I still mourn missing so much of my twenties and thirties when I was burnt out and depressed. I'm trying to accept that there's nothing I can do about that now and move on, but it's hard.

I totally get this. I think I've been grieving a loss of some sort which is very strange

Oh my gosh, Glitter I love that analogy - the dialup internet or loading games from a tape - that's a blast from the past!   Thanks for that!  Yep processing emotion is a slow process for sure!   Thanks for reaching out! 

I'm also 45 and recently diagnosed.  It's a lot, and I had lot of complicated emotions about it even though I thought I was prepared for that outcome.  Just be gentle with yourself for a bit. 

Do you remember those old computers that had to load up games with a cassette tape?  Or how a picture would download on dial up Internet, one line at at a time?  Our brains can be like old, slow computers that need more time to update and process things, especially when it comes to feelings.  Keep moving forward, it does get better.  And then worse, but then better again. ;)

SPAM SPAM SPAM KILL KILL KILL

Who was failed so many times.

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Hi Hellbell,

I was diagnosed on Friday so I'm pretty new here.  I expected to feel validated and happy - but I didn't.  I was kinda numb for a while, then quickly quite sad for my younger self (I'm 45) who was failed so many times.  Today for the first time, I'm starting to feel more at home with it - all that it explains and I'm liking not having to feel wrong, failing, odd, etc etc.   This group helps.   Welcome!  

I am a teacher who has run autism provisions in mainstream schools for over 20 years and now tutor ASD pupils.  The label is just that and it has some benefits but also negatives.  My general advice, is not to panic too much and keep in mind your mental wellbeing.  

Congratulations on your diagnosis.  

Personally, I felt elated.  I now finally had an explanation and it made perfect sense.  I now also had a way forward.  But yes, I am getting what you say about mental health services.  Much is born of their ignorance.  This is not tolerable in 2022.  That much we cannot blame the individual for, they haven't been trained and that is the fault of the system which failed to train them.  What I am less forgiving of is the fact that in absence of understanding, they often want to push us into some other box, do not believe our experience and then blame us when we won't get in their prescribed box.  Often even post-diagnosis it can be a battle to open their eyes.

As for other people, they are a mixed bag.  Some will be delighted for you and really want to know more and how they can help.  Others don't react because they don't understand it and don't see the significance of it or how it's affecting you.  All we can do is keep pushing the enlightenment.  My friends and work colleagues have been great.  My GP and mental health; the people you expect to know what the diagnosis means...well, they have no clue.

I was 56 when I was diagnosed.  No matter what anyone else thinks, it was the best day of my life.  It can be tough without the support.  But we are here when you need us.

2nd stage of evolution for Pequeninos from Lusitania in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Children_of_the_Mind 

It's funny really, because we don't change in any way. Actually, you know more so you are arguably better than before ...but it does make you label yourself immediately as 'different'.

Next stage is slow work, and development internally, to accept that you are different to the majority, but also, the realisation that we are all the same (ish) as a very interesting minority!! Rad.

And they didn't mention, with all the chat about deficits, we are responsible for the majority of major advances in human history (or that's what I tell myself anyway,).

Just keep taking slow breaths and foot steps. You'll absorb and grow, like a cool, complex, intelligent tree

You'll begin vulnerable, and tender, but you will grow; eventually.