Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I wonder if anyone can help or experiences a similar thing. I want to try and find a way to manage my internal anger response to a particular situation as the feeling of it in my body is so utterly horrible and I am very sure that it is extremely unhealthy and has a negative impact on me physically as well as emotionally.
The thing that triggers this response in me more than anything is traffic, specifically traffic that I perceive to be driving too fast, dangerously and inconsiderately when I am in a vulnerable situation. I live in a village which has a long straight road going through it, and the only way to go anywhere and to get away from this road is to first have to navigate this road. The speed limit within the village is supposed to be 30 mph but because it is a long straight and fairly wide road, many people ignore this. In my opinion 30 mph is anyway too fast when in close proximity to pedestrians. Outside of the village there is a national speed limit and people go as fast as they can, which is often not appropriate or safe for the road conditions. Many of the drivers do not slow down, move over, dip their headlights, make any reasonable adjustments or take any of the precautions that you would expect them to when they see a pedestrian.
When I am on this road, or on the pavement in the village, and a car drives towards me and past me, too close, without suitable acknowledgment and at excessive speed, it makes me feel extremely unsafe and the anger response it triggers in me is unbearable. Nothing else makes me feel so angry. I want to shout and scream and hurl objects at the car, it is literally pure fury that courses through me. I do not shout and scream and wave my arms and hurl objects at the cars, I can restrain myself, but the feeling in my body is horrible. It is unbearable. I can feel my heart pounding, the blood coursing through my veins and the pressure mounting inside. It gives me an instant headache and I feel as though my head is going to explode. This feeling does not go away after the car has passed, it continues to build for some time afterward and then can take half and hour or even more to subside. Then it leaves me feeling unpleasant for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to feel that the damage occurring to my body due to my anger response negates the benefits of trying to go for a walk. Just to get out of the house I will already have gone through an extreme amount of anxiety, then the anger added on top of this, when encountering such cars, is just too much. So then I will just turn around and go home before the walk has even begun or avoid leaving the house at all. This is not an acceptable solution. There is a possibility to drive somewhere nearby, within 10 or 15 minutes, that is somewhere where I could walk free of cars, but I have a huge amount of anxiety regarding driving (because of all the dangerous drivers and narrow twisty roads in my area). Also, using petrol is expensive and not environmentally friendly so I would feel guilty,
So, I have been trying to do the only thing that I think is possible: I cannot control the way other people drive, I can only try to control my response to it. I have tried praying when cars go past! I have tried thinking nice kind thoughts about the drivers as they pass, wishing them well in their life! I have tried trying to understand them from their perspective and trying to understand their lack of awareness. I have tried breathing deeply and telling myself that it is okay.... But none of these things have worked and, conversely, I just seem to be getting angrier and angrier every time it happens.
To anyone who reads this, even if you cannot relate to the traffic situation, are there other circumstances in which something triggers anger in you like this? Can you relate to the horrible sensation in your body that takes so long to recover from? And, most importantly, have you found any helpful ways to manage this so as not to put yourself under so much stress and therefore make the situation tolerable? Short of moving, which is not a real option, or never leaving the house, I do not know what to do.
When I’m out and about, people can make me seriously angry. For example, the shop assistant in Waitrose the other day. I’d forgotten to scan some chewing gum so called him over. I speak very quietly so maybe he didn’t hear me. Anyway, he said ‘what’ in a tone I didn’t like. I slammed the gum down, infuriated. All I wanted to do was grab his ears and give them a good twist.
I have to remind myself that I’m a 40-year-old, educated man. However, I had serious anger issues in my twenties when I worked in catering. I would throw pans at walls – kick and punch food around the kitchen – and had a vocabulary worse than Gordon Ramsey’s.
My grandma sometimes tells me the story of when she was in an Italian restaurant, enjoying a meal, when all of a sudden the door to the kitchen flew open. A lot of angry shouting could be heard coming from the kitchen area. A pizza came hurtling out of the kitchen, followed by a plate which smashed. Followed by silence. Followed by some very subdued looking kitchen staff. I thought that anger like yours was almost to be expected in the catering industry!
@NAS79256
Haha, it's a great job for anyone with anger issues!