When I filled in a referral form for the local Integrated Autism Service (IAS) I was asked 'Do you have an example of an unspoken social rule that you have struggled with?'
I struggled to answer this question as I did not understand what was meant by an unspoken social rule.
Therefore if anyone can give me examples of an 'unspoken social rule' then it might help me understand what they are referring to ahead of my assessment.
I find I have a script these days for when I have to interact with new people and I just say that script to everyone. It makes for some quite boring conversations but at least I know Im not putting my foot in it and sometimes it progresses to something more interesting
This seems an odd question to me. An autistic person doesn't know such rules exist unless they are specifically explained to them. Therefore how are you supposed to know which ones you struggle with?
It's possible to learn how to respond in certain situations by observing and copying others, while still being unaware that there is a social rule.
I've often felt that trying to navigate socially is like everyone else has been given this huge book of instructions on 'social skills' and I didn't get any instructions.
Oh and again, late to the table with this one.. didn't get it until my assessment and it was pointed out to me that I don't do this:
If people ask you small talk type questions: "What's your hobby?" or "What do you do for a living?" they are asking either a) to sus out whether you are their type of person, or b) worse, are just filling a conversational vacuum, more than actually wanting to know. You are supposed to reciprocate with like questions and then probe their answers, whether they are of any genuine interest to you or not. So, for example: Question: "Where are you from?", Answer: "I come from Newcastle" Probe: "Really, lovely city. Do you like living there?"
Yep! When I ask, I care enough to want to know. However, if they say "fine" I can't always see through it if they are not. I encourage my friends to tell me the truth. I do care and will listen and will try to help, but they need to point out to me verbally that they need my attention
Oh... and also learned from an NT friend, ...apparently they smile at each other's jokes even if they aren't funny in order to build rapport...
LOL, God know what folks think of me when I don't even get it half the time even if it is apparently genuinely funny
Oh and generally speaking....insight from one of my friends lately... apparently people need their "feathers smoothing" before you get down to business or ask them something directly...
Head scratcher for me, but I think that means you are supposed to say, complement them on a item of clothing or something, before asking where their data submission is.
God knows why, I don't give a stuff what anybody thinks of my clothes. I'm wearing them, not them, but apparently NTs need this stuff to function.
Oh another one, it took me some time to get and still won't play ball with 'cos it's dishonest....if people ask you: 'does my bum look big in this?" type questions, the only answer they are looking for is: "Of course not", because apparently they want their insecurities reassuring, not the honest truth.
I think the fact that you haven't understood what an example might be is a bit of a clue...I had no idea that there even were any 'unwritten' rules before I realised I was autistic. I'd tell them you had to look up what was meant by this to find one, lol.
Only one that crosses my mind is one that I only figured out in recent years... Unless people are very close to you, the only acceptable answer to the question 'how are you?', is: 'fine'. They are asking out of form, they don't actually want to know how you are.
I have been advised to say something similar but somehow it just won't come out. I like to just say "hello" and smile as I keep walking, and hope that the other person will also just say "hello", smile and keep walking. The "Hiya, alright" thing gets me every time, as if it enters the wrong part of my brain or something. I open my mouth and literally nothing comes out, and then I worry that I am coming across as being rude. I have been told to reply with a simple "fine thanks, you?" but NOT to expect them to reply. I just can not bring myself to say it for some reason.
I have a huge problem with knowing how to depart from/say goodbye to people too. I have been told that I just stand there and prolong the conversation even although they are making all the signs that the conversation has ended and that they are trying to move away. This is ironic given that I want nothing more than to be able to move away myself and have only stopped to talk to them out of politeness in the first place. I just can't seem to find the right "formula" for escaping and seem to get rooted to the spot. I have been told that I just stand and stare at people and probably make them feel uncomfortable! This is one of the reasons why, whenever possible, I hide to avoid people if I am out and see anyone who might be likely to say something to me.
Thank you everyone who has contributed so far. Keep going with them. It's very useful and using your examples I can start to see where there are difficulties with me.
Having read what has been written so far, I'm thinking yes I have trouble with things like knowing how to depart from people and how to say goodbye to people, birthdays and general gift giving and eating left over food on other people's plates as well (all these I think were mentioned).
I may as well mention the concept of a 'round' when your out drinking in a group (as this appears to meet the criteria of an unwritten rule). I wait to be told it's my turn but deep down I just spend the night thinking in my head....I really just want to buy my own drinks.
It gets confusing then when you go out and people don't do a round system after you think you've learnt that is something that occurs. Offering to buy drinks for people....it has been suggested that I do that in the past and I'm like why?
I have thought a lot about this. I'm usually on the receiving end of neurotypicals telling me their life story when all I wanted was a reply of "I'm fine thanks and you?". When its my turn to say "I'm fine" though, it's taken at face value.
I just thought of the biggest one of all! When people say "how are you?" but they dont actually want to know. No matter how terrible your feeling you're expected to say "fine" or "ok" and if you actually do give them an honest answer to their question and tell them how your feeling they look at you like your a weirdo.
I just feel like saying to them if you didnt want to know how I was why did you ask?
Me too. Totally. It is very strange.
Yes, it seems rather presumptuous to just announce your name by way of reply. I feels awkward to me and really don't like it at all!
Exactly! and if you eat it everyone looks at you like your a pig. its almost like theyd rather the food go to waste than someone eat it
